Olthwaite

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2012-01-26T11:00:00.001Z

Where can an old giffer like me Bez-dance to indie classics?

Great Winter Beer Festival results

Pubs of the year 2011 Brighton, Cambridge, London, Sowerby Bridge, Stalybridge and, of course, Huddersfield

One of the greatest art exhibitions is about to end. Jaume Plensa's amazing work is on display at the Yorkshire Sculpture Park until January 22. Huge heads are cast in stone, plastic and wire. The eyes usually closed. Are they asleep or dead? The stone figures look like they are made of marble and are beautifully lit - they look as though they are about to move so it's hard to move away. The plastic ones appear equally restful but have words like 'stress' on them. Perhaps they represent people putting on a front to hide the chaos of their lives. Plensa also uses sound - gongs and tinkling lines of poetry, the latter utterly complelling to look at and to listen to. The wire sculptures meanwhile are postioned so they look different from different angles. This is one of the most memorable exhibitions I've ever seen. Don't miss it.

My review of Stan Barstow's A Raging Calm is in the December edition of The Word

Published work

It's regarded as the World Cup of Pies and Huddersfield butchers did well

Pies and other food

OLDER BITS

HYLDA BAKER: I speak without fear of contraception - you’re sat sitting there supping while we should be going to Blackpool hallucinations.

Comedy

BARNSTONEWORTH: Yorkshire Premier League 1922: Haggerty F, Haggerty R,Tompkins, Noble, Carrick, Robson, Crapper, Dewhurst, MacIntyre, Treadmore,Davitt.

Comedy - clips

BEST BREWERIES: Where were the northern beers in the list of Great British Beer Festival winners in 2006? Were the judges all from Chiddingfold-on-Sea and used to watery, headless brews? Here's THE 10 best breweries.

Best breweries

BEST PUBS:

Best pubs

BOWLING GREEN, OTLEY: Stuffed snarling badgers, gas masks and a skeleton were among the 3,500 items inside. The landlord, Trevor, was a rather forbidding character. It looked like you had to pull a thorn from his paw to get on with him.

Pub news

NELL BRYDEN: She called me sweety when I bought her CD off her. I don't think anyone's called me sweety before - mind you I was dressed as a Mars Bar at the time.

Music

TED CHIPPINGTON: Walking down the road the other day, this bloke came up to me and said: 'Can you tell me how far is to the railway station?’ I said: (gruff voice): ‘One mile.’ He said: (gruff voice) ‘One mile?’ I said: (gruff voice) ‘One mile - roughly speaking.’

Comedy

CUD: Was Carl's voice up for it? Would new guitarist Felix fill the considerable boots (Hey Boots!) of the assistant headteacher from Tadcaster? Would the band gel like the greasiest Ted? Yes, yes and yes! Carl bellowed like a moose, holding a note like Pavarotti. Felix is the indie Jimi Hendrix and the band were tighter than a gnat's chuff.

Music

DOCK PUDDING: People flocked to Cragg Vale to taste Doris Hirst’s championship winning pudding

Pies and other food

ROBERT ELMS: Ludicrous clotheshorse

Mithering (moans, rants, whinges)

THE FALL: A member of the opening act assaulted Smith with a half-eaten banana and the band played on while MES chased the banana-assassin into the parking lot, where a scuffle ensued.

Music

GOOD BEER GUIDE HIGHLIGHTSForget all the other pub guides - unless you want to take your granny for Sunday lunch in an unbearably twee Cotswold village where they rethatched the roofs in 1973.Includes pubs in west Yorkshire, west Lancashire, Manchester, Sheffield and York.

Good Beer Guide highlights

RAY GRAVELL
There used to be/Detonations on the telly/It was Grav discussing rugby
There used to be/From the radio great warmth surging/Grav conversing.

Poet Gwyn Thomas on the late great Ray Gravell

VAL GUEST: He hated Arthur Askey, but he made his directing debut with him in Miss London Ltd, about an escort agency. It probably wasn't that kind of agency,although, you never know - "A handjob Arthur?" "Well stone me!"

Films

HALF MAN HALF BISCUIT: I went to see the Bootleg Beatles as the bootleg Mark Chapman

Clips/Top 10 songs

HUDDERSFIELD: Pubs, trains, beer, buildings (see index)

LEEDS: Britain's most overrated city is just Wakefield with delusions of grandeur and good PR.

Mithering (moans, rants, whinges)

JEFFREY LEWIS: He says he's not even a glass half-empty person, he's glass half-full - half-full of nothing. There's also some delightful rhymes - on one song about a dead pig he sings: "He's called Jonathan or Jason/It depends which way he's facin'"

Gig reviews/Clips

LORD OF THE RINGS: It's all completely humourless and is desperately in need of Brian Blessed SHOUTING LIKE HE DID IN FLASH GORDON. "HAWKMEN,DIIIIIIVE!" (When he was in his patrol car in Z Cars did he shout: "POLICEMAN, DRIIIIIVE!"?)

Mithering (moans, rants, whinges)

MARBLE GINGER It’s ‘gingier’ than Liverpool supersub David Fairclough in a carrot-top love-in with Tori Amos

Beers of the year 2008

STERLING MORRISON: Interviewer:Is New Wave rock 'n' roll or is it folk?Morrison: I'm afraid it's folk singing and this pains me.

Sterling interviews/Velvet reviews

CHIC MURRAY: It was raining cats and dogs. I stepped into a poodle.

Comedy

NORTHERN FILM LOCATIONS:Hell is a City - Grim Up North Noir with Stanley Baker as a copper so hard-boiled he's been left in the pan for a week.Everyone smokes. Trains stop at GMEX.Levenshulme, East Didsbury, Huddersfield, Medlock, Burnage, Withington andOldham are the other locations.A Kind of Loving - Alan Bates throws up on Thora Hird's carpet. Thora, in Dame Edna glasses, calls him a pig. Steep park where he gets Thora's daughter pregnant is in north Manchester, also Preston, Stockport, Salford.

Films

ERIC OLTHWAITE: It were always raining in Denley Moor, except on days when it were fine; and there weren't many of those - not if you include drizzle as rain. And even if it weren't drizzling, it were overcast and there were a lot of moisture in the air. You'd come home as though it had been raining, even though there had been no evidence of precipitation in the rain gauge outside the town hall.

Comedy: Clips

PIES: There’s been a run on Hofmann’s “growlers” since he won the World Cup of pies

Best pies in GB/Yorkshire/Wigan pie eating contest

REAL ALE TWATS:'I'm remindful of The Lamb and Tuppence in Pontypridd, a splendid little pub which serves Bishop's Gleet'

Comedy

JOHN SHUTTLEWORTH: Go caravanning in Dyfed or Clwyd/Order a pizza and get it delivered/ How to be happy in a sad, sad world

Comedy

SOUTH PENNINE DAY RANGER EXCURSION Emley Moor mast follows you round like Mona Lisa's eyes

South Pennine Day Ranger excursion

EDDIE WARING A choirboy Kaiser Chief sang at his funeral

Rugby league: Review of Tony Hannan's biography of Waring

WIGAN INSULTS:
To someone who’s ugly:Who knitted thi face an dropped a stitch?
To someone with a terrible memory:It’s a good job thi balls are in a bag

Swiggin in Wiggin

MUSIC

2012-01-26T09:30:00.002Z

ARE YOU DANCING? I'M ASKING!
Jan 12: I've been lucky to attend three weddings over the past 12 months - lucky because once I hit 40 I doubted I'd ever go a wedding again.

They've all been a real treat. I've enjoyed the ceremonies far more than I did in my surly twenties and the nosh seems to have got even better over the last 20 years.

But what I particularly enjoyed was the dancing.

It brought back a lot of memories of shaking a tailfeather in clubs and uni - the wait for the right tune to hit the floor so you don't peak too early (Lovecats is ok, but Teenage Kicks might be on soon), the adaptation of the indie shuffle to any tune (move feet and arms a bit, look at floor), the attempt at Hairspray-esque dances to anything from the fifties or sixties, and dancing for the first time to promising newcomers such as the fancy dress chanteuse Lady Gaga.

It made me think - where can the over-40s have a bit of a bop these days?

There are house parties, of course, but there's a danger of trampling over small children or knocking over treasured ornaments with an over-enthusiastic, Morrissey-esque flourish of the arms.

I've been thinking of going to a Belle and Sebastian night, but fear, even here, an old duffer like me will have alice bands and cardigan buttons flung at me by the fey hordes.

FESTIVAL OF GEDGE
Aug 11: Break out your cardigan, thrash your guitar and look downtrodden after catching your partner having an affair - it's a David Gedge festival in Holmfirth.

Starting with his band Cinerama and ending with his main band the Wedding Present, the festival also features Darren Hayman and the Secondary Modern and other bands in Holmfirth. (Gedge and Hayman pictured, from Weddoes website)

After the success of 'At The Edge Of The Sea' festival in Brighton last year, the Wedding Present main man has organised ‘At The Edge Of The Peaks’ at The Picturedrome, on August 29, from 3pm.

Other bands confirmed for David’s indoor one-day mini-festival are:

Summer Camp [Electronica]
Pinky Piglets [A 'crazy all girl rock band' from Japan]
Silvermash [shoegazy, featuring Graeme Ramsay from The Wedding Present]
Dirty Fingernails [90s alt-rock, featuring Charles Layton from The Wedding Present]
Stars Down To Earth [featuring Pepe le Moko from The Wedding Present]
Precious Few [A minimalist duo from Germany]
French Soul Party

A CELEBRATION OF THE FILMS AND MUSIC OF NICO
May 11: How do you link Compo and Nico? Well, according to the Holmfirth Film Festival, Last of the Summer Wine actor Bill Owen attended a memorial service for the Velvet Underground singer in St Johns Church, Upperthong, near Holmfirth.

It sounds like a Wikipedia spoof, but, the organiser of this festival event celebrating the films and music of Nico said the service did take place at St Johns as Nico loved walking in the hills around Upperthong and Holmfirth. He couldn’t confirm if Bill Owen was there, unfortunately, but it didn’t really matter - this unlikely tribute, in the same church where Nico’s service was held, was well-conceived and memorable.

Local musicians sat at the front of the church, flanked by two screens, one showing Fellini’s La Dolce Vita in which Nico appeared, the second showing stills and films from her modelling and singing career featuring her beautiful stern face (she would have been the very last person to whom you would have said: 'Cheer up love').

A stained glass window was behind the musicians and films were projected onto it. The church was decorated with silver balloons in a nod to Warhol’s Factory.

The setting emphasised the bleakness and beauty of Nico’s music. As Michael Massey sang Janitor of Lunacy, darkness was falling outside and the shadows from the bobbing balloons took on a sinister turn. The lyrics of the song were like some sermon without hope.

By contrast, Catrin Morris, ably accompanied by guitarist Steven, captured the delicacy of songs such as I’ll be your Mirror and These Days in the performance of the night - her beautiful voice raising the spirits.

WEDDING PRESENT FESTIVAL COMES TO HOLMFIRTH
Feb 11: The Wedding Present have been running Bank Holiday festivals in Brighton for the past couple of years - now they are starting one in Holmfirth.

‘At The Edge Of The Peaks’ will take place at the Picturedrome on August 29, from 3 to 10pm. Cinerama and The Wedding Present are playing.

The Brighton event sold out last year and was a huge success.

Three other bands have already confirmed - Silvermash (“Shoe-gazey indie-grungers” from Eastern Scotland featuring The Wedding Present’s Graeme Ramsay) and Dirty Fingernails (a "90s alt-rock inspired" North London quartet featuring The Wedding Present's Charles Layton). Precious Few from Germany will be playing in the acoustic room on both nights.

A limited number of ‘early-bird’ tickets have been made available for both events at the reduced price of £15. See Weddoes website

SMASHING SONGS FROM DUSTY7'S
Feb 11: There are some real blog gems out there (see list on the right) and one of my favourites is Dusty7's which is celebrating its fourth birthday.

The blog has unearthed some wonderful Northern Soul, R&B, doo-wop, ska and easy listening classics, many of which, I'm ashamed to say, I haven't heard.

There are some wonderful photos too - some chronicling forgotten corners of London - while the almost punctuation-free writing gives the blog a unique voice, reminding me of a Kenneth Williams character on Round The Horne desperate to recount a story.

Shame beer and pub blogs can't show a bit more originality in presentation and content. I'm getting increasingly bored of the same old blokey blogs swapping the same arcane bits of information.

Anyway, here are some of my favourite toons from Dusty 7.

Marvelettes - Here I Am Baby

Doris - Did You Give The World Some Love Today?

The Dells - Wear It On Our Face

The Esquires - Get On Up

The Voices of East Harlem - For What It's Worth

Pat Bowie - Feeling Good

Tyrone Davis - Turn Back The Hands of Time

Carmen McRae - Exactly Like You

Patti Jo - Make Me Believe In You

Blossom Dearie - Like Someone I Love

Deidre Wilson Tabac - The Other Side Of Life

Ben Sidran - About Love

Ellen McIlwaine - Toe Hold

Sugar Pie Desanto - Soulful Dress

WEDDING PRESENT: HOLMFIRTH PICTUREDROME
August 10: You can rent David Gedge's apartment in Santa Monica, California (see Weddoes' website) - an incongruous location for a man whose songs seem to evoke steamed-up northern boozers where couples argue over dying relationships.

Mr Gedge ('Call me Mr Gedge or David', he tells a heckler who calls him Gedge) is relishing being back in Yorkshire, quipping that Brassneck doesn't that sound the same when it's sung by southern audiences ('Brarrsneck').

The track kicks off a performance of the entire second LP, Bizarro, 21 years after it was released.

Even though the band have been touring the LP in America since April and will be playing it again in Europe later this year, this gig, one of two festival warm-ups, was not billed as a Bizarro night, so it was an unexpected treat when Gedge announced the band would be playing the LP in full.

As he said in an interview with Magnet website earlier this year, Bizarro takes the original idea of the Wedding Present — playing songs as fast and for as long as possible — to its logical conclusion.

Before this year the songs had never been played back to back and he told Magnet that rehearsals have been like training sessions for a marathon. If it was a struggle, it didn't show, with magnificent rhythm guitar thrashes and Gedge's lovely barking voice woe-ing and pleading with another woman who was about to leave him.

It's odd that the song that gets everyone singing, Kennedy, has such un-Weddoes lyrics 'Lost your look of life, too much apple pie'

Sadly I missed support band Cinerama (same personnel, different instruments) and while a couple of new Weddoes songs were languid by comparison with the Bizarro set, this was a wonderful night with Gedge (sorry Mr Gedge) on good form, batting off a marriage proposal from a male fan and resisting George Best requests.

Some great videos from the gig on YouTube

WEDDOES TOUR THEIR GREATEST LP
Aug 10: "We took the original idea of The Wedding Present — namely, to play songs as fast and for as long as possible — to its logical conclusion." That's how David Gedge describes The Wedding Present's second and arguably greatest LP, Bizarro, which the band are playing in its entirety in Britain later this year.

In April he told US-based Magnet Magazine that his was idea to play the whole LP live after the success of replaying debut LP George Best live in 2007. But he admits Bizarro is more of a challenge because of its longer songs.

And no wonder - with songs like the relentless Kennedy, with its hectic Velvetsy What Goes On guitar.

Bizarro will be played at the Leadmill, Sheffield on November 18, York on December 5 and Manchester on December 10.

Here's how Kennedy sounded in Austin, Texas, in June

GENIUS!
Jul 10: Another Word tip-off, via DrakeyGirl on the magazine's blog. This is a hilarious take-off of Jay Z's New York - Newport (State of Mind).

It's hard to do this well but this is spot-on. Made by one of Goldie Looking Chain I think. I love that nasally slightly harsh Newport accent.

The D-V-to the L-A

STANLEY ODD
Jul 10: Discovered this band via Word magazine CD - Scottish hip-hop, funny lyrics, great voices, funky as fork. Band name is slightly misleading - reminds me of comedy folk band.

You've got to love a band who rhyme Veronica and harmonica

Stanley Odd on MySpace

YOUTUBE GEMS
Apr 30: I've come across some fabulous YouTube videos recently, only one of which I've seen before.

First up it's Tom Jones and Janis Joplin in a leather-lunged, hip-shaking, organ-grinding (Hammond not Tom) shout-off from 1969.

Great dancing on this one too - The Slits' Ari-Up prances like Bob Mortimer in Typical Girls

Forgotten how good The Revillos were (and how lovely Fay is)

One of John Shuttleworth's funniest - a tribute to Betty Turpin. ('We see Betty Turpin/Only when she's workin')

It's time to take it right down now and a fabulous version of Pale Blue Eyes (better than the original?) which I remember seeing on telly about 20-plus years ago. Edwyn Collins on guitar, Paul Quinn on vocals

SONG I CO-WROTE ON 'ALBUM IN A DAY' CD
Apr 10: Last month I took part in Huddersfield Literature Festival's Album In A Day project and I provided lyrics to the first song on the project's CD.

The idea was that anyone could come along with their lyrics, or have two hours to create their own lyrics, and musicians had three hours to come up with a tune. The musicians then performed the songs live and their performances were recorded.

It was a great day (and evening) and I can honestly say there wasn't a duff song on the 10-track Texts and Love and Mortal Soul CD, so all credit to the musicians, organisers (and lyricists!).

Most people opted to write their own lyrics in an afternoon, using a Leonard Cohen song, where he writes a letter to a lover, as a springboard for ideas and structure.

I tried this but I wasn't satisfied with what I'd written and used lyrics I'd brought along, Keep Your Chin Up. Here are the lyrics:

Put your feet up
Let your hair down
Keep your chin up
Keep your nose clean

Go bananas
In your ‘jamas
Let’s be flighty
In our nighties

Don’t be headstrong
Lovely Goolagong
You’re the kingpin
Billie-Jean King

Watch your ice creams
Or they’ll Meltham
Sexy undies
Here in Thongsbridge

You’re the bees-knees
With your Red Stripe
Love you truly
Ossett Brewery

Hanky-panky
Feeling swanky
Aga saga
If you’d rather

Do watusi
It’s a doozy
Mashed ‘potater’
See ya later

I originally had about three other verses and repeated the first verse at the end, but I was advised to choose the strongest verses and make the first verse into a chorus with an extra couple of lines.

All 10 lyricists were asked what type of music they wanted to accompany their lyrics before the 10 musicians beavered away at a tune.

I had The Fall's Container Drivers in mind, but I had no idea how the song would turn out until musician (and event organiser) Dave Gill struck up the first chords in Sleepers Bar, Huddersfield. I think his arrangement works really well. To listen to the song, click on the link.

Keep your chin up

The album is not on general sale but festival organisers may sell a few copies.

SCAREMONGERS' HOMETOWN GIG
March 10: Simon Armitage is a reluctant frontman. He's either shoe-gazing, looking weary or singing side-on to his wife and co-singer 'Speedy Sue'. Lugubrious? He makes Jonathan Meades look like Graham Norton.

But he has reason to look po-faced. The sound for The Scaremongers' first hometown gig at Bar 1:22, Huddersfield is a bit ropey - one guitarist in the eight-piece battles against feedback, the other fights to be heard, while Armitage's vocals - soft, undeniably Yorkshire and distinctive as his lyrics - drift in and out.

The band don't appear until 10.45pm by which time half the audience have left, leaving less than 100 people in the regulation black-walled bar. Mind you, most of the crowd had talked their way through support act Old Man Pie and some of them were still gabbing through the quiet moments in The Scaremongers set.

You’d think the quiet songs would best suit a poet in a band, but it’s the full-on numbers, involving all the slick band, that showcase their talents and prove this isn’t just a vanity project for Armitage.

When it all comes together The Scaremongers are wonderful, honorary members of the class of C86 with echoes of The June Brides and The Brilliant Corners. Derailleur, about cycling and the ring road next to the bar, sounds like James's Sit Down, while You Can Do Nothing has a magnificent sing-a-long chorus: ‘Humberside is Yorkshire still, Lancashire is over the hill, loneliness is Gaping Gill’

The Scaremongers on MySpace

BLACKPOOL - BRILLIANT!
Jan 10: No, not the dayglo vomit of a town, the brilliant BBC series which myself and the lovely P have just got round to watching only six years after it was first on (don't expect cutting edge hipster stuff on this blog).

It's an intriguing murder mystery, a heartfelt love story and, on two or three occasions in each episode, the characters sing and dance along with top tunes, from Jimmy Cliff to The Smiths.

It also has three compelling characters - slot machine owner played by David Morrissey (a cross between Elvis and Bradley Hardaker from Brass), his wife Sarah Parish and David Tennant playing the copper investigating a murder in the arcades and lover of Parish's character.

I could watch Morrissey and Tennant in anything, they are so compelling. Tennant shows no signs of the Norman Wisdom gurning that blighted his later Dr Who episodes. I'd never seen Parish before but I was really impressed - she's got a great, expressive face.

As for the musical interludes, at first they are so surprising they are comical, but then you're keen to see the next one - they complement the story perfectly.

The writer is Peter 'Occupation' Bowker. Buy it or rent it!

HALF MAN HALF BISCUIT - PAINTBALL'S COMING HOME (ALTERNATIVE VERSION)
Jan 10: I'm behind the times again (see above) with this alternative version of one of Half Man Half Biscuit's greatest songs, Paintball's Coming Home, which nails the conformity of a dull couple.

The lyrics are almost completely different, for example: 'They buy soup in cartons, not in tins' instead of 'They know where things are, at B&Q'

New version:

Old version:

For more on Half Man Half Biscuit, see below

PUB JUKEBOX ETIQUETTE
Nov 09: When you're in a boozer, do you chose exactly what you want on the jukey, or is your choice affected by other customers in the pub, or what time/day it is? Do you even become a bit of DJ and chose a selection that goes well together?

I was in the Rat and Ratchet, Huddersfield, the other day. It was almost deserted and I fancied some tunes. An old bloke sat next to me just as the Velvets' What Goes On came on. He supped up and buggered off sharpish and I felt a bit guilty.

Was it the music? I must say I tend to be a bit self-conscious about who's around when I make a selection on the jukey.

If it's Friday teatime, I avoid mournful Smiths and Johnny Cash numbers for an upbeat Kinks/Stones/Blondie/Specials/Undertones/Pulp mix.

If it's quiet and there's only a couple of old fellas in there, especially if they look like Camra fundamentalists who hate jukeboxes, it's Dean Martin/Patsy Cline.

And when some young 'uns have put a bit of Green Day on, I think in my condescending, middle-aged way: 'Mmm, but have you heard this?' and it's Homicide by 999 or The Adverts' Gary Gilmore's Eyes.

I hate it when someone puts a whole Steely Dan, album on - you can't be totally selfish unless the pub's deserted. If it is, then it's time to put on Kennedy by The Weddoes and don't spare the horses.

Is it just me?

THE SCAREMONGERS
Aug 09: I must admit when I heard Simon Armitage had his own indie band, The Scaremongers, I feared the worst. But they are wonderful.

I like his poetry and prose, he seems like a decent fella in the papers and on telly, and, of course, he's from Marsden, but reuniting with your guitar playing chum from 20 years ago in the full glare of the national media, with the Culture Show filming your first gig?

And despite Armitage being a down-to-earth chap, poets and guitar music sum up visions of polo-neck beatniks sitting in rocking chairs reciting while a guitarist reaches a fretwank climax in a squall of feedback.

The Scaremongers combine the best of C86y June Brides/Brilliant Corners/Wedding Present, with more than a whiff of The Smiths.

Armitage has a lovely nasally drizzly voice, bringing his West Yorkshire vowels to the fore - 'rose' sounds like 'rows'. It's reassuringly northern - the 'rose dies behind the shed', is one line. There's a mention of gable ends and corduroy, Castle Hill and Lancashire being 'over the hill' (something he's mentioned in prose writing).

Plus there's the only song about the sprocket-activated, variable-ratio transmission system frequently deployed on the modern bicycle - Derailleur.

Some of the songs betray their origins from 20 years ago - longing for Cardigan Girls could only be written in the prime of twenty-something speccy awkwardness.

The Scaremongers first LP, Born in a Barn, is out on Corporation Pop, although it's a bugger to get hold of - Piccadilly Records in Manchester didn't have the band on their computer system and the two record shops in Huddersfield didn't have copies of the LP.

Scaremongers on My Space

MANCHESTER PROCESSION
July 09: I thoroughly enjoyed the Manchester Procession, part of the city's international festival, a mixture of traditional floatees, such as beauty queens, and quirky ones, like the tribute to Happy Mondays LP Bummed.

In the wake of the BNP's election victories and its narrow-minded, conformist agenda, it was great to see such a mix of people, straight and gay, white and Asian, young and old.

You could say there were a few northern cliches, such as chips and mills, but the parade covered such a wide-range of topics and people who never usually take part in such jamborees - smokers, Big Issue sellers, World of Twist fans - that it didn't matter. And after all we are in the north and what's wrong with celebrating chips, especially when we're constantly nagged not to eat them?

Artist Jeremy Deller's had the idea for the procession, although he was more like a producer - he didn't make the floats or banners.

The Bummed bit made me chuckle, with its Rendering That Scaffolding Dangerous banner, and an enthusiastic woman armed with maracas. Perhaps they should have had someone dressed as Mad Cyril or some Fat Lady Wrestlers. Thank goodness they didn't reproduce the racy inner sleeve.

There was also a tribute to World of Twist who made one of the greatest singles, The Storm. Again just a banner - but it was a nice touch.

There were wreathes in hearses for great lost buildings of the region - the Hacienda, Wigan Casino and Corn Exchange.

My favourite float was Adoration of the Chip, an all-singing all-dancing tribute to the first ever fish and chip shop in Oldham.

More pics

STEVEN TAKE A BOW
June 09: He had a unique talent, made his name in the 80s and was loved around the world - never mind Michael Jackson, Steven 'Seething' Wells, ranting journalist extraordinaire, has died of cancer at the age of 49.

And the last words of his last column, published a day before Jacko died, were from a Jackson 5 song:

"Me? I blame it on sunshine. I blame it on the moonlight. I blame it on the boogie."

The column, submitted 11 days before Wells died, was published in the Philadelphia Weekly, the city where he ended his days. In 2006, he was diagnosed with Hodgkins lymphoma and appeared to be in remission, but in January he was diaganosed with enteropathy-associated T-cell lymphoma.

He recounted his treatment in the Weekly and also wrote sports columns in the Guardian website, but he made his name on the NME, with his passionate, opinionated, argumentative, contrary, relentless, hilarious articles.

There appeared to be on self-doubt - everything was in black and white, no umming and arring, sentences tumbling over each other. It was like walking into the teeth of a gale on the end of Whitby Pier.

And he wasn't afraid to challenge the untouchables. He was the journalist who gave a cogent and believeable argument about racist overtones in Morrissey's work that has dogged the singer ever since. He challenged the Happy Mondays at the height of their popularity about their homophobia.

And even with bands like Chumbawumba, with whom he had an obvious affinity, he wasn't afraid to confront them about joining EMI, and reminded them that they had slagged off New Model Army for doing the same a few years earlier.

On a lighter note, when I think of Bjork I always think of her puffin eating because of Wells' interview with her.

Wells continued to lambast Morrissey throughout his career, perhaps because The Truculent One, with his mannered quips, deadpan demeanour, pompous air and apolitical views, was everything he was not.

Here's Wells on why he thought Morrissey should be England manager (Guardian, 2007):

"There will be those who object to this choice, claiming that the Lord Voldemort of pop knows nothing of this most English of sports. But it is they who are ignorant. Morrissey is steeped in English football lore. He reeks of Woodbines, meat pies, wintergreen, Watneys Red Barrel and Brut.

"Morrissey's best qualification for becoming England manager is that he lives in a fusty fantasy world concocted out of Ealing comedies, Keith Waterhouse columns, Alan Bennett monologues, black and white kitchen sink dramas and the films of George Formby.

"He is thus at the exact same stage of emotional and cultural development as the hardcore of "real" England fans, who complain bitterly about how it were all real working-class English blokes around here once - before they ruined it by letting in women and other non real working-class English bloke types.

"Being England" will take on a new, deeper, Englisher meaning. All of Wembley - the buildings, the grass and the staff - will be spray-painted various shades of grey. Comically too small demob suits will be compulsory. As will round NHS spectacles held together in the middle with a sticky plaster.

"There will be complimentary Brilliantine dispensers in the gents toilets (there will be no ladies toilets). Non-smoking will be discouraged. All policing will be done by a single laughing bobby on a white horse. And catering vans will dole out spotted dick with custard for one shilling and sixpence to crowds kept entertained at half-time by the massed ranks of a brilliantly choreographed ukulele-strumming and morris-dancing marching band."

He probably stayed on too long at the NME (and I carried on reading it too long) when it stopped being political or funny and started swooning at anyone with a racy haircut who went to the same London pubs as the journos.

You only have to look at the awful tribute on the NME website, cobbled together by a current writer, most of which is all about him and not Wells: "The sheer weight of articulating what his words meant to me has almost ruined me." It's, like, so unfair.

Wells was born in Swindon, moved to Bradford as a kid, and began performing poems as Seething Wells, supporting bands like The Fall. In the 90s, besides his journo work he wrote a novel, made rock videos and wrote TV comedy with fellow NME-er David Quantick (Day Today).

I always thought Wells would go on and do Charlie Brooker/Jon Ronson-type shows on TV but his writing was still brilliant. Here he is in the Philadelphia Weekly in 2008 on knitters, a seemingly innocent target that you'd think he might be sympathetic about.

"Giving local-geography fascists a good run for their money in the hysterical overreaction stakes are Philadelphia's legions of extremely sensitive and appallingly badly dressed knit-Nazis. Boy do they get pissed if you write rude things about them.

"I should stress here that knit-Nazis are in no way like real Nazis (apart from being really touchy and big fans of the films of Leni Riefenstahl). I use the term because it's an astute parody of the way the crafts most associated with brain-dead, soul-destroying pre-feminist housewifery - knitting, beading, stitching and crocheting--have been re-packaged and successfully sold to smugster sheep as radical, alternative and edgy.

"I have two books on my desk right now, both pushing the strange idea that twiddling about with bits of wool is totally punk rock. And they're just the tip of a huge knitted iceberg. There are entire sections containing metric shit-tons of these knit-Nazi manuals in every book barn in America.

"First up there's Alter Nation. There's a rad-lookin', crazy blue-haired rebel chick on the cover alongside a boast that it contains 25+ DIY fashion projects. Be still my punky heart.

"Then there's Anticraft, subtitled Knitting, beading and stitching for the slightly sinister. One can only assume they're using slightly here to mean not at all. And that anti is a misspelling of auntie.

"Seriously, if you called housework antihousework, would that make it cool? If you anticleaned the kitchen after antichanging the kitty litter before antipicking your screaming brats up from school and antidropping them off at soccer practice before rushing home and nearly anti-overdosing on antidepressants so you can face clearing up the vomit your shit-faced alcoholic of an antihusband has puked all over the bathroom (while still finding time to knit an amusingly decadent antitoilet-roll cover) does that mean your lifestyle is somehow edgier and more interesting than that of your poor burnt-out-at-40, dead-by-50 great grandmother?

"Put it this way, young goths: Vlad the Impaler didn't crotchet his own ear-flapped bobble hats. And neither should you. If you need a hobby, take up spitting."

Many knitters (and Morrissey fans) were not amused by his articles, but what made him so good was that he often made a valid point but lathered it in completely over-the-top language to make it funny.

Here he is on one of my favourite bands Belle and Sebastian: 'self-loving, knock-kneed, passive aggressive, dressed-up-in-kiddy-clothes, mock-pop-creepiness peddling, smug, underachieving, real-pop-hating no-talents celebrating their own inadequacy with music so white it’s translucent'.

Wells's death has made an impression on me partly because he's only a few years older and I'm that age when I'm scanning obituary columns for ages and causes of death (just call me Cheerful Charlie). He reminds me of my youth and yet he has been able to contemplate his own mortality.

He could have bullshitted and gone out in a big two-fingers-to-cancer-religion-I-regret-nothing-fuck-you-Morrissey-bedwetters way, but this is how he did it in his final Philadelphia Weekly column:

"Of course all this bollocks is written by an idiot who has polished his image as an existentialist, atheist hard-man and anti-mope, forever sneering at the tribes who wallow in self-pity - the gothers, the emo kids, the Smiths fans - the whole 900-block-wide marching band composed entirely of the white male urban middle classes who are convinced that (as the most affluent and pampered human beings who have ever walked the planet) theirs is a story worth hearing. Blissfully unaware that they are but a few generations away from regular visits to the doctor who would wind parasitic worms from their beer bloated assholes using sticks.

"You could blame this fallacy on poor education, cultural deterioration, or simple moral decline.

Me? I blame it on sunshine. I blame it on the moonlight. I blame it on the boogie."

"There is a light that never goes out," as you know who once said.

Some other tributes:

Billy Bragg: "The antithesis of the bonehead racist, he was in fact an articulate left-winger. And unlike the bullyboy, who only picks on those weaker than him, Swells chose to target the powerful, the popular, the hip and the cool. There was a time in the mid-’80s when the Smiths could do no wrong in the New Musical Express (NME). There were voices prepared to challenge this state of affairs, but only Swells could be relied upon to indulge in the merciless piss-taking of Morrissey, week after week. It comes as no surprise to learn that one of his last online columns for thequietus.com was a marvellous pin-pricking of the pomposity of Radiohead. 

"However, anyone who really knew him would tell you that, no matter how hard he tried to come across as the cynical hard-man, his love of humanity in all its shitty glory would always shine through. He was possessed of a self-effacing sense of humour that would often overcome him at the apex of some raging tirade, leaving him and anyone within earshot laughing at his overwrought hysteria. 

"He was at heart an iconoclast. Put anything on pedestal and Swells couldn’t resist taking a pot-shot at it. Nobody was spared. He was one of my earliest supporters in the music press, shared my idealism, yet continually referred to me in print as “Bilious Braggart,” even when he was praising my output. "

James Brown (Guardian):
"It is, perhaps, fitting that in the week that the NME editor joined the BBC to develop the multi-platform brand of Top Gear magazine, the most political and confrontational NME writer of the late 1980s and early 1990s should die from cancer. Steven Wells, or Swells as we knew him, was the most impossible person to work with because he knew no form of compromise, had little true interest in music, was narrow-minded and his personal hygiene and dress sense left so much to be desired that the company nurse once appeared and ordered him to remove and burn his stain-covered tracksuit bottoms. Naturally all of this made him a provocative and popular NME writer.

"As an NME writer, he was obsessed with class war, masturbation, dogs, cancer, Jello Biafra and the multiple use of the exclamation mark. His work was littered with it. Almost creating his own language. '(SUBS LEAVE THESE LAST THREE SENTENCES IN)' was a regular sentence in his copy.

From Philadelphia Weekly:

Kitty Empire (NME colleague):
"I can't think of anyone more full of blood and bile and vim and mischief and rage and humour. Swells just should not be dead. It's just inconceivable. He was like a Tasmanian Devil of words."

Mark Beaumont:
"When I first started writing for NME, Swells would chastise me every time I wrote anything that wasn't extreme enough. "You don't 'open the door', you 'kick the door into a splintering heap and leap through spewing AK razor-fire', get it?" For him music journalism was all about over-statement, vitriol, attackattackattack. There's a new star in Heaven tonight, and it's kicking all the other stars in the bollocks for being mung bean-munching ning-nang-nong hippies and Bis fans."

Amanda Freeman:
"Dear Swells. You romanced me for 5 years in the 90's. You wooed me with ranting punk poetry and flowers. You wouldn't let me listen to the Smiths in the house but then I wouldn't let you play Napalm Death so it seemed like a fair swop. I wanted to hug you and throttle you in equal measure but you were without doubt the most funny, inspiring and downright decent bloke one could wish to meet, a huge champion and defender of women in general and the only boyfriend my Mum still asks about. God bless you - although you'd hate me for saying that. RIP Swells"

Carol Freeman:
"As mother of an ex girlfriend I'm so very very sad. Two hours partnering Swells playing some frightful Christmas game was an experience not to be missed. His quick mind and constant vitality though exhausting kept this aging brain cell in trim. His 'real self' was hugely endearing though he'd hate me saying so. Such talent and so lovely a man will be missed by all who knew him, not least his wife who I don't know but who must be devastated. You are in my thoughts right now as is Swells. I'm really really upset by this news. Go well."

Everett True: Collection of tributes to Steven Wells

Family and friends tribute site

Pic: Philadelphia Weekly

WORST COUNTRY AND WESTERN SONG TITLES
May 09: Folks at work have found this brilliant site of 250 of the worst country and western song titles. Some are obvious spoofs but most are genuine. Here are my favourites:

1 Come out of the Wheatfield Nellie, You're Going Against the Grain

2 Don't Chop Any Wood Mother, I'm Comin' in With a Load!

3 Get Off The Stove Grandma, You're Too Old To Ride The Range

4 Did I Shave my Legs for This?

5 Hand me the Pool Cue and Call Yourself an Ambulance

6 He Went To Sleep and The Hogs Ate Him (Now Claude's Gone Forever)

7 I'm So Miserable Without You, it's Almost like Having you Here

8 I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life

9 At the Gas Station of Love, I Got the Self Service Pump

10 If Today Was a Fish, I'd Throw It Back In

11 Pardon Me, I've Been Pardoned

12 I Wanna Whip Your Cow

13 She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy

14 You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd

15 You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

16 I'm Gonna Hire A Wino To Decorate Our Home.

17 Legendary Chicken Fairy

18 The Pint Of No Return

19 I Went Back to My Fourth Wife for the Third Time and Gave Her a Second Chance to Make a First Class Fool Out of Me

20 I Like Bananas Because They Have No Bones

SWINGING GEDGE
May 09: Imagine Frank Sinatra in his 50s swinging pomp but instead of "I get no kicks from champagne", it's "Why are you being reasonable now?", and instead of Frank it's the mighty David Gedge. Sounds impossible? Dreadful? Wedding Present The Chicken In A Basket Years? (as King Richard of Otley reckons)

Don't believe a word - the combination of Gedge singing with the BBC Big Band in Leeds is brilliant! He modulates his familiar braying tones and really swings it - daddio!

Brassneck

INVENT YOUR OWN BAND NAME/LP COVER
May 09: Pardon me for being drastically unhip, but this amusing internet game I'm about to explain was probably fashionable with the young and haircutted in the last century, so I'm in danger of being pooh-poohed by skinny hipsters in unnecessary sunglasses, but it's great fun:

1. Go to “wikipedia.” Hit “random… Read more” or click http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random. The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2. Go to “Random quotations” or click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

3. Go to flickr and click on “explore the last seven days” or click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days. Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4. Use photoshop or similar to put it all together.

Here's mine:

I'm thinking emo-y Oxford teenagers who thought the band name was, 'like, ironic' because they're not from Finland or social democratic, in fact they're not interested in politics and they're fed up of being judged for not going on student demos. It's like a form of prejudice, a higher grade of prejudice, in fact. For the music I'm thinking doomy, sorry-for-myself Mogwai-lite

Here's the lovely Mrs P's:

One 80-minute track from 'the Hawks', who are famed for dressing in monks cowls and having five guitarists who each play different tones of feedback. Blamed for inciting crazed gunmen at school massacres.

Thanks to Dan for this. He runs this ace site

MARK E SMITH READS THE FOOTBALL RESULTS
March 09: Yes it did actually happen, on November 19, 2005, although he only read the repeat results at 540pm on digital TV. The Barnsley v Rotherham result has never sounded so good and he's more comfortable being interviewed by Ray Stubbs than by most people. (Ta for clip, Rich)

LUX INTERIOR RIP
Feb 09: When a well-respected musician snuffs it, you usually hear someone say: "Of course I saw them in '85 and it was the best gig ever" even though they haven't mentioned the gig before.

Anyway I saw the Cramps at Manchester Hacienda in 1985 (it might have been '86) and it was the best gig ever.

We got a great spot upstairs directly in front of the late Lux. It was so packed they were dragging fainting people out of the front rows.

And the Cramps were magnificent - Lux treading a fine line between scary and daft.

One moment sticks out. It's from this song, the Oo,ee,ah-ah song, or:

She Said

A bloke climbed onto one of the metal girders in front of the stage, spread his arms and Lux pointed at him and shouted: 'Jesus! That feels real good' and everyone cheered. Then he sang 'Oo ee ah-ah!'

By the way, there's a Lux Interior Ltd in Macclesfield - they're kitchen designers.

My favourite Cramps song:

ARTISTE OF THE MONTH(JAN 2009)
Jospehine Oniyama - wonderful deep Tracy Chapmanesque voice, backed by mix of skiffle, C86y bands, (90s band) Eat guitars

Josephine's MySpace site

ARTISTES OF THE MONTH (Sept 08)

Best video of the month: Like my life story - lovelorn speccy fat blokes with Marks and Spencer V-necks and Woody Allen box-sets (one of the blokes in the vid actually looks like me!). It's Hey Boy, You're Oh So Sensitive by The Just Joans

Best rhyme of the month -'Going to France/To see your underpants' from Tour Operator by joyous tra-la-la threesome All Girl Summer Fun Band

All Girl Summer Fun Band on MySpace

Autumn Defense: Fond of harmonies and intricate melodies - think Crosby, Stills and Nash without the hippy-drippyness or The Zombies in mellow moments. Involves a fella from Wilco/Uncle Tupelo.

The Autumn Defense on MySpace

Michael Rossiter: Voice, geetar, folky-blue in minor keys. It's been done so many times before, but this Leeds bloke does it better than most.

Michael Rossiter on MySpace

GIVING 'EM THE ELBOW

July 08: Being old and in need of regular sleep and a comfortable toilet, I only watch pop festivals on the television these days.

Wading through the bog standard indie on the TV - chirpy choruses, Knees Up Mother Brown guitars and echoes of third rate punk (hello Fratellis and Pigeon Detectives), the magnificent Elbow stood out a mile.

As Elbow are northern, slightly overweight, scruffy and mates of I am Kloot, I've always warmed to them although never quite got into their music - until I heard their new single - One Day Like This - on Glasto TV. It features not one but two singalong choruses, Guy Garvey's magnificent vocal and some lovely lyrics which fit a Glasto sunset perfectly.

HALF MAN HALF BISCUIT
Britain's most sarcastic band
May 08: There's a new LP out - CSI Ambleside - here's the titles and lines from the songs.

Evening Of Swing (Has Been Cancelled)
"...outside the Gielgud a neon sign read, "Equus On The Buses" starring Mr. Ed..."

Bad Losers On Yahoo Chess
"...Deep Blue, in '97 I voted for you as Sports Personality of the Year - thought at least you'd get the Overseas..."

Took Problem Chimp To Ideal Home Show
"...Llewellyn Bowen, two Carols, go on Bobby, both barrels..."

Ode To Joyce
"...it hurts when I hear all the songs to Maria when we haven't really done with J... or K..."

Blue Badge Abuser
"...one day I know I'll have to face His wrath - a walk in hell for a walk-in bath..."

Totnes Bickering Fair
"...I'm gonna feed our children non-organic food..."

King Of Hi-Vis
"...be safe, be seen, be anyone you like..."

Lord Hereford's Knob
"...Twmpa, Twmpa, you're gonna need a jumper..."

On The 'Roids
"....He used to lark with the dreads, now he's a nark on the ste'ds.."

Petty Sessions
"...I stick me big nose in when I go out, sealed-off car park - what's it all about?..."

Little In The Way Of Sunshine
"...I was 'Mr Wet Underpants' in '89, titled by accident more than design..."

Give Us Bubblewrap
"...give us bubblewrap, and stick the Apple Mac in the car park..."

National Shite Day
"...there's a man with a mullet going mad with a mallet in Millets..."

From website, see below.

BEST EVER SONG TITLES:
1 Outbreak of Vitas Gerulitis
2 99 Per Cent of Gargoyles Look Like Bob Todd
3 Dead Men Don't Need Season Tickets
4 We Built This Village on a Trad Arr Tune
5 Tending the Wrong Grave for 23 Years
6 13 Eurogoths Floating in the Dead Sea
7 Joy Divison Oven Gloves
8 Improv Workshop Mimeshow Gobshite
9 Paintball's Coming Home
10 The Len Ganley Stance

If I was a linesman, I would execute defenders who applauded my offsides

I went to see the Bootleg Beatles as the bootleg Mark Chapman

24 Hour Garage People

Paintball's Coming Home

Cammell Laird Social Club alternative LP titles:
And you will know us by the trail of bread - The Ducks
Charlie Drake sings Nick Drake
James Alexander Gordon yodels Division 2
Crunchy the donkey brays Elgar
Jack Charlton reads the Book of Job
The Stooges of Humber - You're pretty face is going to Hull

Official Half Man Half Biscuit website

WEDDING SONGS - UPDATE
May 08: The lovely P and I are getting hitched later this year and there are two vital things we've got to do - never mind frocks and vows, there's got to be real ale and top tunes!

The ale is sorted and we've found a DJ who'll play what we want. We saw him when we went to a wedding in Manchester where the bride was dancing magnificently to The Stooges.

So we've got 3-4 hours and we want people on that dancefloor straight away cos a lot of the time people wait for everyone else to dance and half the night's gone. So it's got to be all thrillers and no fillers - but how to get in all our favourites that are danceable and ensure we're not missing anything?

We keep hearing great songs on the radio that we'd forgotten. Our pal Rosh lent us one of those Guinness chart books and then played a selection of lost classics (Bananarama and Blondie sounded fantastic).

My favourite band is The Velvets and while it would great to have the 40 minute live version of Sister Ray/Foggy Notion, I don't think anyone else would. Neither would The Gift ('His head split gently in the morning sun, sending little rhythmic arcs of blood spurting'). But would people get up to What Goes On or Temptation Inside Your Heart?

Is there a Half Man Half Biscuit danceable wedding song? 24 Hour Garage People for a singalong?

And what about The Super Furry Animals? And Jonathan Richman?

Some of our favourite joint songs from the Rat and Ratchet are inappropriate - Tempted (by the fruit of another) - Squeeze, and Something Better Change by The Stranglers. And I am Kloot? ('There's blood on your legs, I love you')

So here's our rough guide -so far.

Early 80s uni stuff (Smiths - Panic, Hang the DJ one), Bananarama (Robert de Niro, Na Na Hey Hey one, Really Saying Something) Violent Femmes - Gone Daddy Gone? Kiss Off? Bunnymen's Never Stop. A bit of Squeeze and Ian Dury. Cure's Inbetween Days would be a good opener to the whole shebang I reckon.

Madchester - Mondays' Step On/Kinky Afro, Roses' I Am The Resurrection, Charlatans' The Only One I Know/Sproston Green. Plus, from the same era - Cud's Rich and Strange, Weddoes' Everyone Thinks He Looks Daft

Britpop - Parklife/ Boys Who Like Girls - Blur, Wonderwall/Cigarettes and Alcohol - Oasis, Common People/Babies - Pulp

Sixties - Stones Jumpin Jack Flash/Honky Tonk Woman/Can't Always Get What You Want.
Georgie Fame - Yeh Yeh

Easy Listening singalong? Green Green Grass of Home - Tom Jones, I Love You Baby - Andy Williams. Plus Catatonia Mulder and Scully/Thank The Lord I'm Welsh.

Then there are a few stand-out songs - Brimful of Asha Cornershop, Groove is in the Heart, Edwyn Collins' Never Known a Girl Like You Before. Belle and Sebastan's got to be in there - Boy With The Arab Strap, I reckon

There's got to be some Badly Drawn Boy in here as well for the lovely P...mmm.

So are we missing anything? Any requests?

WE'VE JUST THOUGHT OF:
May 08: Sharp Dressed Man - ZZ Top (another Rat and ratchet jukey fave)
It Must Be Love - Madness
I'm a Believer - Monkees
Bright Side of the Road - Van Morrison
Perfect - Fairground Attraction
Downtown - Petula Clark
Hold Me Close Don't Let Me Go - David Essex (Last two for singalong section at end?)
Pogues - Fiesta
Love is the Drug - Roxy
Superstition - Stevie Wonder
Abba
Lily Allen - LDN/Alfie
Beach Boys - Surfin USA
Beautiful South - 36D
How Sweet It is To Be Loved by You - Temptations
Respect - Aretha
Dance to the Music - Sly and the Family Stone
Movin on up/Loaded - Primal Scream
Lust for Life - Iggy
Praise You - Fatboy Slim
Take Me Out - Franz Ferdindand
Suffragette City - David Bowie

A bit of punk - Undertones/Buzzcocks

We've also had some eighties input from some pals so it looks like I'm going to be at the bar when the following's on: Duran Duran (Reflex, Rio), ABC, Wham, Prince (Alpahbet St) plus Don't Stop Moving by S Club 7 (sigh), Can't Get you out of my head - Kylie, Music - Madonna

SOME NEW SUGGESTIONS
June 08: Richard, King of Otley, has suggested Len Ganley Stance for the Half Man Half Biscuit tune. I'm thinking Light At the End of The Tunnel would be a good hoe-down dance chance.

Dan says how about Tainted Love, Reward (Teardrop Explodes)and Aztec Camera? Liking the sound of the last two.

Barry White also sounded fabulous sung by a great singer in a pub in Halsall, West Lancs

The wit and wisdom of Mark E Smith
Apr 2008: OK, he's bit of a miserable bugger with a chip on his shoulder and attracts a lot of uncritical male fans (like The Smiths and Half Man Half Biscuit), but he's one of the few famous people who's stayed true to himself over the years and he's hilarious.

Here's a few quotes from his autobiography, Renegade, from The Guardian.

Sex
The older I get, the more I remember things my dad used to say to me, things like, "If you're feeling too sexy, have a glass of water and a run round the backyard."

Why he sacked Mark Riley
He was getting out of hand - wanting to do Totally Wired twice a night, playing Container Drivers with his cowboy hat.

Footballers
Beckham and Lampard look like they've just got ready for bed after polishing off their mam's supper on a Sunday night.

Madonna
Spending two million sampling Abba's Gimme, Gimme, Gimme. What's the point? If you spent a week working at it you could whistle a tune as good as that. It's not just her, though, they're all bone idle.

Smoking
I'm annoyed by the lack of smoking on TV. We should have more ashtrays on morning TV, and presenters wheezing.

Dinner party chez Smith
I only have three chairs in the house: one for the wife, one for me, and one for a guest. No more. One guest at a time - that's my philosophy. You don't want your house turning into a hippy commune.

Students
They've all got foppy fringes

Pic: Me

ARTISTE OF THE MONTH - LIONHEART BROTHERS
March 08: Joyous tunes with a psychedelic tinge - '50 Souls and a Discobowl' sounds like Belle and Sebastian, 'Lead me to the waters' is a little bit Spiritualized. The Brothers are from Norway and are at the Night and Day, in Manchester, on March 31.

My Space site

FEATURED ARTISTES
I'm not listening to enough new stuff so I decided to track down what's on at the Night and Day, in Manchester, the Brudenell and Packhorse, both in Leeds, (who are all good at showcasing interesting new stuff) and myspace them.

So here's my favourites for November 07:
Sky Larkin Leeds based but with a poshish woman singing, they remind me of Sleeper.

My Space site

Jim Bianco - thankfully no relation of Mat, more a cousin of Tom Waits, with some swing/blues slowies. You can imagine him playing at 3am in a New York bar.

Jim Bianco

Sons and Daughters - echoes of choppy post punk chords of Fire Engines and Josef K with some lovely Glaswegian vocals.

My Space site

THE LANCASHIRE HOTPOTS
Spoofing awful Lancs folk bands like The Houghton Weavers and Fivepenny Piece, with Fred Dibnah vocals and lyrics such as this (to the tune of the Okey-cokey):
Oh no, he's turned emo
He's dressin' like a goth and he's let himself go
He used to be listening to Simply Red
But now he's listening to Fall Out Boy instead

My Space site

EMILY DRUCE
Face of an indie singer, voice like Memphis Minnie.

May 08: Emily's new band - The Why and Wherefores - have got a myspace site and a few gigs coming up mainly in Lancs and Yorks.

My Space site

Oct o7: Emily has joined forces with the Yorkshire based Swing group 'Dizzy Fingers' to perform popular songs of the 30's and 40's and they've got a sold-out gig at Marsden Jazz Festival (and my mate tells me she's doing a version of Pale Blue Eyes.

News from website, June 07: "Emily Druce and co-front man Steve Jones are in the throes of recording an album of original songs with their new band The Why & Wherefores.

The Why & Wherefores plays cool contemporary blues, swinging all the way from roots to rockabilly.

It's a dynamic five piece band featuring a tuba taking up the bass lines, a truly funky drummer, soaring lap steel, dirty, pretty guitar from Steve (plus vocals and harmonica) and gorgeous, gritty vocals from Emily(plus guitar, fiddle and mandolin)

As well as recording at Touchwood Studios in Leeds, Bruce from Touchwood is recording a live set at The Albert in Huddersfield on Friday 27th July 2007.(entrance free !).

The new album will be recorded by mid August and released in autumn 2007."

Tunes:

Stony Road

from the Guilt Trip LP (2000)

Down on my knees

from New Day LP (2002)

Let's walk out

from Druce and Jones LP Songs from the silver band room (2004)

Official Emily Druce website

WEDDING PRESENT IN HOLMFIRTH
May 07: I must have seen the Weddoes/Cinerama about 10 times since the late 80s but I wouldn't have gone to this gig if Richard, King of Otley hadn't asked me. The Weddoes' 'comeback' tour show at the Leadmill was such a disappointment and the new songs rather dull. That's the thing with the Weddoes, you can see them at a run of gigs and they're exhilarating or they get drearier and drearier at each gig. I'm glad I went to Holmfirth, this was one of the Weddoes' best gigs.

It's only Gedge now and some young pups half his age - when I say 'only Gedge' it's a bit like saying only Mark E Smith in The Fall. Maybe I was a bit disappointed at the Leadmill gig that the original band hadn't got back together.

Anyway Gedge is a lot more cheerful than he was at the Leddy and he's in blinding form, zipping through the set with his excellent band. His thick thatch is drifting towards V-shaped baldness, matched by the wilting quiffs and bald spots in the moshpit. The rest of us 30 and 40 somethings are resting our ageing limbs in the comfy former cinema's seats.

The Weddoes' template is untouched. A man with a pleasingly braying voice (who occasionally looks like John Major's trendier younger brother) talks over his disappointment at catching his lover in bed with someone, or his longing for someone unobtainable, or the rather excellent sex he's been having. Meanwhile What Goes on by The Velvets is played at various speeds.

There's a smattering of favourites from the last 20 years, including one Cinerama song, and two promising newies - one with the title What I Like Best About You is Your Girlfriend, which Gedge says is a classic 'Gedge' title although his drummer's told him it's the title of an old Specials song (I think he's right). Here's that song from the gig

The Weddoes are on the up again and I won't need persuading to go to the next gig.

UPDATE June 07: To mark the 20th anniversary of the release of George Best,the Wedddoes are playing the whole LP live and recreating the tour of the time (or as near as damn it) - Manchester Uni on October 26th, Liverpool Academy on 27th.

Blurred cameraphone pic - Me.

MIK ARTISTIK'S EGO TRIP
April 2007: There's a hard-looking bald man in a loud shirt singing "Gulliver..Gulliver" in front of the small crowd at the Zephyr Bar, in Huddersfield. He's staring straight ahead, unblinking. "Gulliver...Gulliver". There's a few nervous laughs - is he funny or scary? "Gulliver..Gulliver..he were a big lad."

The place erupts. It's Mik Artistik and his band (or statement of life) Ego Trip. Think Brian Glover sings John Cooper Clarke and Half Man Half Biscuit and you're somewhere near. He compares himself to Wild Man Fischer and Charlie Chuck. He's a 52-year-old grand-dad from Armley and he's hilarious.

'Joyce Grenfell's teeth exploded in my face' is the title of one song.

'Sculpture Workshop' has the chorus 'Don't bring your son to the sculpture workshop, he copies what I do'.

Another song is about finding a dipstick in Roundhay and deciding to build a car around it.

'Birdbath' is reworking of an old rock 'n' roll tune 'Birddog' - 'Johnny was a birdbath/He's a door'.

And 'Turning into Dad' (to the tune of 'Walking in the Air') is a touching song about his Irish dad - 'He was a f***ing brute/He told me what to do/I didn't pay any attention and went to listen to Santana'.

Halfway through the gig, I suddenly recognised him - he was the man who drew portraits on brown paper bags at the Grove Festival in Leeds about five years ago. He was also the man who got up on stage at this festival and sang 'Caught in your straps' to the tune of 'Caught in a trap' and 'My daughter sells shoes' (he said after the gig that this song was a one-off).

According to the BBC, he's been gigging as a band since 2004 and the guitarist and bassist who backed him did a cracking job.

He's done three LPs (I think), been an extra (on Phoenix Nights, he was one of the 'alternative' comedians) and a stand-up. He's at Glastonbury in June and in West Yorkshire pubs before.

And he says he's not hard. Go and see him and buy his LPs

Mik's MySpace site

I'm Turning Into Dad

RETURN OF THE RHYTHM SISTERS
Saturday, Saturday, Sunday, Sunday, Lazy Leeds afternoons

March 07: Mandi and Debi Laek have announced the release of their third album 20 years after the first one - Road to Roundhay Pier.

But goodness knows what they've been up to in recent years, there's nothing on their official or MySpace websites.

I played the Roundhay Pier album death when it came out. The sisters' vocals were instantly recognisable and irresistible with memorable choruses backed by some acoustic, occasionally slide, guitar.

They had also the winning combination of looking sultry and bolshy - and one of them wears specs, hurrah!

The new LP's called Tell Me How Long The Boat's Been Gone and is supposed to be similar to Roundhay Pier. No gigs due.

Rhythm Sisters MySpace site

'GLASTONBURY' DOESN'T COME TO HUDDERSFIELD
May 2007: It's off! Organisers have decided to call it off before the licensing application went before council. Worryingly, council officers had given no recommendation either way and whingeing villagers had set up petitions complaining that the festival would be a cross between Altamount and a Viking raid when it would probably have been full of Bob Harris-types with pipes and slippers.

March 2007 update: Huddersfield's answer to Glastonbury takes place in Farnley Tyas, near Honley, this summer with The Proclaimers, Badly Drawn Boy and The Levellers starring.

Song07 is on July 27-29. On July 28 order of bands is Proclaimers, Badly Drawn Boy, Paul Brady, Duke Special, Holmes Brothers, Nizlopi and others.

On July 29 it's Levellers, Seth Lakeman, Calexico, Cara Dillon, Chris Difford, Paul Burch, Thea Gilmore.

£80 for whole shebang, £45 for Sat/Sun day tickets. No licence yet and 250 residents have signed a petition to oppose (traffic, noise blah-blah nimbys!)

BEST LPS OF 2006
Dec 2006: Word magazine did a great feature about Dadrock this year in which dads sneeringly dismiss their offspring's choice of music with phrases such as "of course this sounds just like Gang of Four from 25 years ago". I must admit I feel like that when I listen to My Chemical Romance (watered-down marchalong punk with added eyeliner) and even the Arctic Monkeys.

So here's my Top 10 for this year. I have to confess it's the top 10 of all CDs I bought this year as I haven't heard enough decent new stuff - Hot Chip, The Raconteurs and Cat Power did nothing for me and Bob Dylan and Neil Young will always be crap.

1 Lily Allen - Alright Still: Feel a bit "getting down with the kids" about this one but her hilarious "bovvered" lyrics sung around some catchy ska riffs made this my favourite this year.

2 Belle and Sebastian - Life Pursuit: Showed how patchy their previous LP (Dear Catastrophe Waitress) was. Songs on this LP ranked with the best of their early stuff.

3 Meic Stevens - Disgwyl Rhywbech Gwell i ddod: The Welsh folk legend has been fined £500 today (December 15) for threatening to shoot a Pembrokeshire landlady. I bought this compliation of his early stuff (from 1968-1979) a few months earlier and it's fantastic - blues, folk, psychedelia, pub sing-a-longs and more formal choral stuff.

4 Sparks - Hello Young Lovers: They creeped me out in the 70s but this was a revelation. Amusing songs based on repetitive riffs and lyrics ("Here Kitty, Kitty") which occasionally outstay their welcome.

5 Cud - Rich and Strange Anthology: Triumphant return for the Yorkshire band who were overshadowed by Madchester and Britpop.

6 Dominic E Collins - Canadian Geese Over Ancoats Skies: Compared mistakenly with Mike Harding, Dominic has a Manc-as-they-come voice, an acoustic guitar and songs about his local pie shop, among other things.

7 Zero 7 - The Garden: Two very different vocalists (Jose Gonzalez and Sia Farler) mean this album is divided into slow moody songs and quicker sing-a-long stuff.

8 Van Morrison - It's Too Late To Stop Now: I bought this 1974 live double after reading Johnny Rogan's critical biography of the grumpy maestro this year. This was one of the LPs Rogan recommended and he was right.

9 Arctic Monkeys - Whatever... Great lyrics and distinctive vocals lift this above the usual punk-lite tunes.

10 North by North West: Liverpool and Manchester bands of the late 70s/early 80s. The obvious choices plus some forgotten gems such as Blue Orchids' Work.

CUD-FATHERS
Sept 2006: On the way to the Leeds Irish Centre to see the Cud band for the first time in 12-13 years, Radio 1's Zane Lowe (the most serious man ever) was bigging up some achingly trendy band called Tram, Tram, Tram (or something) and then played their song and it sounded like.. the Knack's My Sharona.

And then I saw Cud. Knocking seven bells of shit out of all the angular-haired punk-funk retreaders from London or the US.

Was Carl's voice up for it? Would new guitarist Felix fill the considerable boots (Hey Boots!) of the assistant headteacher from Tadcaster? Would the band gel like the greasiest Ted?

Yes, yes and yes! Carl bellowed like a moose, holding a note like Pavarotti. Felix is the indie Jimi Hendrix and the band were tighter than a gnat's chuff.

Starting with Purple Love Balloon they mixed their big hitters with some rarely played early stuff. There was a fantastic middle section featuring Love in a Hollow Tree, Hey Boots and Robinson Crusoe.

Rumours that Carl had finally lived up to the fat bastard taunts were wide of the mark. He looked more Vegas Elvis than Johnny Vegas.

He was having a great time as were the rest of the band and the audience who in Cud gig-style were dancing on stage. I'll never forget three blokes singing "Things get worse when you get older", from I've Had It With Blondes, looking like three butchers who'd owned a shop for 20 years.

The four-song encore was a bit of wind-down as they'd done all the hard work, although they made Jethro Tull's Living in the Past sound like Mission Impossible.

Yes Carl's voice and some of the songs do sound samey but there's no-one like Cud. You can hear snatches of Jonathan Richman, the Stones and the Weddoes but if they were a new band now Zane Lowe would be creaming his pants.

Cud will be wowing the festivals next year (apparently). Can't wait!

UPDATE May 2007: Cud playing Glasto, third on bill on some smallstage behind Ned's Atomic Dustbin and Back to the Planet (lovely, strapping ginger singer!)

Thanks to

Urbanwide on Flickr for photo of Cud at Leeds Cockpit

GIGS JULY - AUGUST 2006
August 2006: A bumper crop of gigs over the past two months - most of them good, all of them interesting.

Highlight was Jeffrey Lewis (www.thejeffreylewissite.com, pictured -he really is this tall)at the Polish Catholic Centre in Sheffield (August 25). One man, one acoustic guitar, one comic book. Simple tunes which rattle along at a fair lick, crammed with laugh-out lyrics sung in a hangdog voice.

There's something Woody Allen-esque about his longing for unavailable women, worries about his health and his self-deprecating cracks about himself. As he says, he's not even a glass half-empty person, he's glass half-full - half-full of nothing. There's also some delightful rhymes - on one song about a dead pig he sings: "He's called Jonathan or Jason/It depends which way he's facin'"

On three songs he holds up a comic book to accompany him. Two of the songs are B-movie stuff - one about a brain which grows bigger and bigger until it rampages through a city and another about a walking hand which offends a bus-full of nuns. The third is a dead straight history of communism in China!

Support came from Benjamin Weatherill who looks like Bernard Sumner circa Joy Division but covers Irving Berlin and Nat King Cole in a high quavery voice while playing guitar and banjo. Fragile and folky.

Then there's David Thomas Broughton who, like several solo artistes, has one of those devices which means he can record a riff and play another on top. Early on this was a discordant mess but it gradually came more compelling as he wandered through the crowd, singing snatches of Leonard Cohen songs in a voice which sounded a blood-and-thunder preacher or the two aromatherapists in Vic and Bob.

A fortnight earlier I was in Hebden Bridge for a beer festival at the Trades Club and there was an unexpected treat - Nell Bryden (www.nellbryden.com), pictured, a Brooklyn singer songwriter with a powerful soaring voice and some nice blues touches on her acoustic guitar.

She looked completely at home with the hustle and bustle in the hall - children crying, dogs yawning and fat blokes creaking their chairs to get another Moorhouses from the bar (ahem).

She even called me sweety when I bought her CD off her later. I don't think anyone's called me sweety before - mind you I was dressed as a Mars Bar at the time.

It was also great to be in Hebden Bridge, one of those attractive, rather dour West Yorkshire towns enlivened by a splash of lefty-Glastonbury colour. Where other towns have Poundlands, Hebbo (as no-one calls it) has a CD shop full of 60s and 70s obscurities run by a jolly long-haired chap. Where some schools are covered in grafitti, Hebden's is covered with a huge mural.

What a pity there's no decent boozer. There are two pubs in the Good Beer Guide - one's a bit pokey, the other's restauranty. The Trades Club is about the best and you can sign up for a tantric astrology or clay oven making if you so desire.

On August 7 I was in the Packhorse in Leeds, one of my regular haunts when I lived in the city as it put on some excellent gigs along with the Brudenell Social Club.

There were four acts on that night - three were connected and appeared to be from the Brighton area.

Anyone calling themselves Kevin 2 Sheds (www.threeface.co.uk/kevin2sheds) with an album called 'Mark Knopfler Taught Me Everything I Don’t Know' sounds brilliant. He looked like a young John Otway or Super Hans from Peep Show, but he was never more than mildly amusing.

He was backed by the next act, Pog (www.worldofbeardandpog.co.uk/pogwash/menu.html) a brother and sister act on acoustic guitar and acoustic bass, who occasionally sounded like Violent Femmes without the lyrics to match.

Pog also supported MC for the night and third act Philip Jeays (www.jeays.com) who looks Peter Cook and sings occasionally laugh-out loud songs in a melodramatic Scott Walker/Jacques Brel stylee. The highlight was a song about being on his deathbed, listing all the people he hated with the chorus "Fxxx you!" He got the biggest cheers of the night.

All three acts were light-hearted, knockabout stuff and the final act bucked the trend but was enthralling.

Simon Siddol loves the minor chords and the big pauses on his electric piano, sounding like Lou Reed's Berlin occasionally, although Siddol has a deep, rich voice which sometimes veers off into a Tom Waits-rant. It was a pity he was on so late as many people had to leave during his set.

And finally Shona Morrison, Van's daughter, at the New Roscoe in Leeds. Too Alanis Morrisette for my liking. She was at her best when her band went bluesy and she did a lovely cover of her dad's song Sweet Thing.

CUD
Head full of loose change
July 2006: One of the great live bands of the 90s have released a greatest hits double and the band (minus guitarist Mike Dunphy) have reformed to play some gigs - their first as Cud for 11 years.

Carl Puttnam's voice was always a blessing and a curse for the band as it was easy to recognise one of their tunes, but as he barked out one note (but what a note!) some of the songs sounded very samey.

This didn't seem to matter as much live where their relentless tunes were exhilarating, but the best songs were the ones where they varied the pace a bit - Robinson Crusoe, Love in a Hollow Tree, Hey Boots and Rich and Strange.

They did five dates earlier this month (August) and have added five more, including two supporting "a chart act", and a final gig at Leeds Irish Centre on September 19.

It's their homecoming gig as the band met at Leeds Poly, forming in 1985. They hit their stride at the end of the 80s and had two Top 30 hits in the early 90s with A&M but they were overshadowed somewhat by the Madchester scene - neither indie-trendy or mainstream enough - and split in 1995.

I saw them at the Leadmill, in Sheffield, and Manchester International 2 and I think the NME gig review below is from that Manchester gig:

Udderly Fab-Tastic!
Manchester International II, NME, 26 October 1991
'I LOVE you!' sings bespectacled spectacle Carl Puttnam, the Mick Hucknall you can trust, 'I luhuahu-u-uuuumhhhve yo-o-o-oul'.

His cavernous diaphragm quakes, he woos the already-sodden audience with Tom Jones-ian lungpower and Engelbert-esque melodrama. Truly, we are in an Indie Las Vegas. And the Cud band are glittering.

Outside is the coldest bastard rainy night In Manchester ever. In here, still largely unbeknownst to the music industry, Cud are happening. Warm your toes on that.

A tangible buzz permeates the air; It's like Carter at the end of last year. Teenage Fanclub this summer, Kingmaker at Reading - yes, that exciting. You come to review a concert by a band, but the sheer swell of the expectant and genned-up crowd knocks you out. These Cud fans know something and, in elitist terms, we about to be taken away from them.

So, the important question, has The Man got Cud? Hell, no. They're A&M property now, sure, they're suddenly in the overtaking lane, and they can have WHATEVER THEY WANT (Later, Carl will delight In telling me how A&M spent a week trying to obtain the actual model of a knight an horseback, used by Anglia TV as their logo in the '70s, for the sleeve of 'Oh No Won't Do') - but the power and the possibility haven't made them giddy. It's a tighter four-piece that cook with gas.

This evening, confident. cool. together, swaggering, laughing all the time - no longer will the shorthand cynics be able to write Cud off as udder-achieving amateurs. They're done with merely singing for their supper, nowadays they're playing for their life!

Cud are the actual Idiot Joy Showband, Glam Rock for the '90s. 'Eau Water' opens the set, babbling insanely, stomping, showmanlike, on all yer near-sighted Indie codes. Cud dare to crowd-please, to exaggerate gestures, to clutch their frilly chest. And that Puttnam Voice - not for Carl the insipid, apologetic sniffing of Damon from Blur - when he goes for it he really blows for it! BOOM! BOOM! A resounding success.

A camp 'Roblnson Crusoe', a rousing 'Hey Boots', a charming 'Love In A Hollow Tree', and three now ones, 'Sometimes Rightly Sometimes Wrongly', 'Easy' and 'Pink Flamingo', which la a 'Norwegian Wood' made pulp.

Stage divers crowd the skies, about three balloons bob from head to head, Cart chuckles "Heh heh heh" uncontrollably and tells a punter who's waving his boots In the air during 'Hey Boots' that "It's not about shoes!'

Correct. an album in the New Year, America and The Drummer From Cud will leave cult status way behind him. We need stompalong, unashamed, OTT cabaret entertainment that shakes a log to Third World debt; we need Carl Puttnam In his rubbish beads; we need STARGAZERS II

Simply Cud, honey.
Andrew Collins

Picture and NME review:

Official Cud website

JEFFREY LEWIS
Shy New Yorker meets perfect woman. Blows it. Writes nervously-voiced, pleasingly-shambolic songs (and cartoons) about the experience

Video from Fortmark Films:

Posters

Cartoon:

The making of Chelsea Hotel Oral Sex Song

Source/picture:

Official Jeffrey Lewis website

VELVET UNDERGROUND
June 2006: You wait years for the first ever Velvets DVD and two come along at once - Velvet Redux, a live concert from Paris in 1993, and Under Review, featuring interviews with Mo Tucker, Doug Yule and some rare Warhol footage.

The Velvets reunion is seen as a failure by most of the mainstream media. As usual with films and music, they all tend to agree with each other and because one or two journalists criticised the reunion at the time it's slated by others now.

If the band had been inferior to their 1960s live LPs and bootlegs then I'd agree, but you just have to listen to Heroin and Waiting for the Man, arguably their key songs, and realise they had recaptured their peak form and unique abilities - tub thumping drums, relentless guitars, droning viola, pounding piano and Reed's lyrics.

I was at the Wembley gig in the same year (Jarvis Cocker was sitting nearby!) and this DVD brought it all back - the thrill of seeing the four of them together and the exhilarating versions of some of my favourite songs with subtle variations.

Cale sings vocals on Waiting for the Man and adds a lovely violin part to Pale Blue Eyes. Morrison's lead guitar work shines on Rock n Roll and White Light White Heat.

The choice of songs was my only complaint then, and it is now - no Run Run Run, What Goes On, Foggy Notion and especially Sister Ray. They could have replaced Hey Mr Rain, Beginning To See The Light and dreadful newie, Coyote.

Under Review doesn't look so promising - it's mainly journo talking heads with new interviews from Mo and Doug, some Warhol film, bits from the 1993 concert and from the Reed/Cale/Nico reunion in 1972.

But it's pretty good, especially in the way it analyses the songs (how Waiting for the Man originally sounded slow and Dylan-esque).

There's also some suitably extravagant journo claims ("Rock music started with Dylan and the Velvets") and some interesting arguments - Cale's departure benefited the band because they were able to concentrate on the songs, and the third LP was the best (Rubbish! Apart from What Goes on, Pale Blue Eyes and Some Kinda Love it's bobbins).

Gigs
Velvets' support bands included:
1968: MC5, Canned Heat (supported), Flamin Groovies, Chicago, The Nazz feat. Todd Rundgren (supported), Tim Buckley (supported), Sly and the Family Stone
1969: Grateful Dead (supported), Chicago festival (feat Byrds, Muddy Waters, Fleetwood Mac), Nice, The Allman Brothers

Gig list and picture from Velvet Underground website

STERLING MORRISON
Velvets guitar ace

Sterling's favourite musicians (in 1969):
The Byrds, The Kinks, Dr. John, Quicksilver Messenger Service.
But he didn't like:
Creedence Clearwater Revival ("monotonous")
Van Dyke Parks (MacArthur Park, Beach Boys producer) "I dismiss him summarily. I don't care what he does. I don't think he has the credentials. Whatever he's supposed to be doing - he isn't good enough."
Frank Zappa: "Zappa is incapable of writing lyrics. He is shielding his musical deficiencies by prolelytizing all these sundry groups that he appeals to. He just throw enough dribble into those songs, I don't know, I don't like their music."
And MC5 "I think seldom of the MC5."
(From interview with Greg Barrios, Fusionmagazine)

And in another interview, in 1980, he doesn't like New Wave:
Interviewer: Do you think New Wave is new, or is it just a rehashing of old stuff?
Morrison: I'm afraid to say what I think about New Wave.
Interviewer: Don't be. Go ahead. Please.
Morrison: I'm worried a whole lot about it. People that have known me know that the major bitch in my life has been between rock 'n' roll and folk singers. That's it.
Interviewer:Is New Wave rock 'n' roll or is it folk?
Morrison: I'm afraid it's folk singing and this pains me.

Great quote:
Why do you have such an aversion toward people who talk to you?
'Cause I read books!

On Lou Reed:
"Lou really did want to have a whole lot of credit for the songs. So on nearly all the albums we gave it to him. It kept him happy. He got the rights to all the songs on Loaded, so now he's credited with being the absolute and singular genius of the Underground, which is not true."

He loves Hendrix (who liked the Velvets), hates Dylan and lays into Zappa, again:
"If you told Frank Zappa to eat shit in public, he'd do it if it sold records."
(Interview by Nick Modern, Sluggo magazine)

Doug Yule describes how Sterling left the band in 1971 (from Velvet Underground fanzine, Fierce Pup Productions and Sal Mercuri. Picture from this source)
"Sterling is standing in the airport in Houston. Next to him is an empty suitcase, a fact at that moment known only to himself. He stops the progress of the group towards the gate with the announcement that he will not be returning to New York with us, he is going to Austin in a few days to begin a fellowship there, to return to school and complete his education.

"This is the last time I will ever see Sterling. I will not know until he dies twenty five years later that he acquired a degree in Medieval Studies and picked up a tugboat captain's license."

Interviews from Velvet Underground website

THE FALL: BANANA SPLIT
Scowling curmudgeon in Oxfam leathers
Busts up with band in banana republic

June 2006: The Fall have split up on a US tour for the second time.

Three members of the band flew out of the country after their May 7 gig was cut short when a member of the support band chucked a banana at Smith and he ran off stage to fight him in the car park.

Three members of labelmates Cairo Gang (described as Chicago dirge rockers) were drafted in for the next gig two days later and are staying as permanent members. Their UK debut will at The Fall's 30th anniversary on June 10.

Here's what happened, according to Cole Coonce, from LA City Beat:

Tour reports were rife with incidents of Smith pouring a beer on his tour manager's noggin and also using his head as an ashtray, all while the poor tosser drove the van down the interstate and tried not to crash.

Moreover, at that night's show (May 7), a member of the opening act assaulted Smith with a half-eaten banana and the band played on while MES chased the banana-assassin into the parking lot, where a scuffle ensued.

This mayhem, coupled with Smith's notoriously fascistic task-making, had forced “the lads” (as he called his backing group) to skulk away under the cover of darkness and catch an aeroplane back to Old Sod.

Smith and wife/synthesist sidekick Elena Poulou endeavored to fulfill contractual obligations and finish the tour.

The Fall's record label solicited as replacements a trio of alt-dirge rockers out of Chicago (The Cairo Gang), who were hot-lapped into San Diego in time for the Fall's booking at the House of Blues, and – ka-pow ka-pow ka-pow – quick as a repeating rifle, the notion of the Fall being a platoon system was, in fact, realized.

Luckily for the new lads most of the Fall's latest songs are mere exercises in two-note rock riffs pounded into a repetitive groove, which serves as a foundation for Smith to free-associate lyrically, with gems such as “Dolly Parton and Lord Byron/They said patriotism is the last refuge/But now it's me” or haikus to that effect.

Smith is a chaos-monger and a lush, and when the chips are down, he will find a way to turn over the card table. This night (May 13 Knitting Factory, LA) was true to form, as the joint was packed like a bowl of sweaty oatmeal with a legion of fervent Fall disciples, who waited for the gospel from their maniacal messiah.

Instead of a pointed, galvanizing performance that would send the faithful to postmodern Valhalla, Smith showed up drunk, staggering and slurring through a rambling collection of dirges. For the duration, he was squint-eyed sauced, stumbling and unintelligible. The “band” struggled to find its cues and vainly tried to follow his meanderings.

Methinks “the lads” had the right idea when they deserted their leader in Phoenix.

This, and the flyer for the LA after-show party, is from the unofficial Fall website, formerly the official Fall website until Mr Smith took exception to the message board earlier this year. He gave an interview to an LA paper before the gig, praising the (old) band - "They're very on form".

GO-BETWEEN MCLENNAN DIES
May 2006: Founder member of The Go-Betweens Grant McLennan has died in his sleep, apparently of a heart attack. He was just 48.

According to the Sydney Morning Herald and The Australian, he was planning a large party at his Brisbane home on the night he died (May 6) and had gone for a lie-down as he was feeling unwell. He was later found dead by party guests.

The Go-Betweens most recent album had been their most successful, EMI had bought ther back catalogue providing him with financial security and he was in love with a lass and about to be engaged.

He formed the band in 1977 at university with songwriting partner Robert Forster who said: "The last six months was the happiest I had ever known him."

They released their first LP in 1981, split in 1989 and reformed in 2000.

Pic from Go Betweens website

MRS PILGRIMM
Layers of metronomic cello
topped off with sauce

New LP: Alone Queen

Downloads:

Tickle it lovely

Drop my name

Gotta get down

Picture/More info:

Official Mrs Pilgrimm website

Her record label

MISTY'S BIG ADVENTURE
Set the controls to jaunty

Downloads from SL Records:

Two songs and a video

Videos from Fortmark Films:

Story of Love/Hey Man

BEER

2012-01-24T07:30:00.001Z

Champion Winter Beer of Britain 2012
Jan 12: Lots of unfamiliar beers and brewers in this year's list. The winner is a 6.5% ABV old ale is described in CAMRA's Good Beer Guide 2012 as a ‘strong and fruity, well-balanced premium ale’.

Overall result
Gold- Driftwood, Alfie’s Revenge (St Agnes, Cornwall)
Silver- Cairngorm, Black Gold (Aviemore, Highlands)
Bronze- Coniston, No 9 Barley Wine (Coniston, Cumbria)

Old Ales and Strong Milds category
Gold- Driftwood, Alfie’s Revenge (St Agnes, Cornwall)
Joint Silver- Nant, Mwnci Nell (Llanrwst, Conwy)
Joint Silver- Brunswick, Black Sabbath (Derby, Derbyshire)
Bronze- Beowulf, Dark Raven (Brownhills, Staffordshire)

Porters category
Gold- Hammerpot, Bottle Wreck Porter (Poling, West Sussex)
Silver- Blythe, Johnson’s (Hamstall Ridware, Staffordshire)
Bronze- Sulwath, Black Galloway (Castle Douglas, Dumfries and Galloway)

Stouts category
Gold- Cairngorm, Black Gold (Aviemore, Highlands)
Silver- Cambridge Moonshine, Black Hole Stout (Fulbourn, Cambridgeshire)
Bronze- Acorn, Gorlovka (Wombwell, South Yorkshire)

Barley Wines category
Gold- Coniston, No 9 Barley Wine (Coniston, Cumbria)
Silver- Moor, Old Freddy Walker (Pitney, Somerset)
Bronze- Isle of Skye, Cuillin Beast (Uig, Isle of Skye)

SIBA NORTHERN WINNERS
Nov 11: One of the biggest beer competitions, the Society of Independent Brewers Northern Region Beer Competition, featured some of my favourite brewers and some noteable wins.

About 80 northern SIBA breweries submitted 254 cask beers and 62 bottled beers which were tasted by 130 judges.

Overall champion was Hawkshead but Ossett won the Porters, Strong Milds, Old Ales & Stouts category with its Treacle Stout (which I rarely see in draught) while Ilkley Brewery's lovely Stout Mary took silver. Ossett's excellent Excelsior was second in the strong beer category.

Elland Brewery's fantastic 1872 Porter won the Premium Strong Beers class and its bottled version was also a winner, while new boy Kirkstall Brewery Company took silver with its Kirkstall Three Swords in the Premium Bitters class.

Allgates from Wigan took silver in the mild class and Marble's Manchester was third overall and won the best bitter class. Standish's Prospect was second in the standard bitters class for Whatever!

Full results:
OVERALL CHAMPION
Gold Hawkshead Brewery Windermere Pale 3.5 per cent
Silver Three B’s Brewery Stokers Slake 3.6 (Blackburn)
Bronze Marble Brewery Manchester Bitter 4.2

Standard Mild Ales
Gold Three B’s Brewery Stokers Slake 3.6
Silver Allgates Brewery Ltd All Black 3.6
Bronze The Coach House Brewing Co Ltd Gunpowder Mild 3.8

Standard Bitters
Gold Hawkshead Brewery Windermere Pale 3.5
Silver Prospect Brewery Whatever! 3.8
Bronze Watermill Inn & Brewery Collie Wobbles 3.7

Best Bitters
Gold Marble Brewery Manchester Bitter 4.2
Silver Mordue Brewery Northumbrian Blonde 4
Bronze Cumbrian Legendary Ales Langdale 4

Premium Bitters
Gold Red Willow Brewery Wreckless 4.8
Silver Kirkstall Brewery Company Kirkstall Three Swords 4.5
Bronze Saltaire Brewery Cascade Pale Ale 4.8

Strong Bitters
Gold The Jarrow Brewery Isis 5
Silver Ossett Brewing Company Excelsior 5.2
Bronze Great Heck Brewing Company Ltd Hequinox 5

Premium Strong Beers
Gold Elland Brewery Limited 1872 Porter 6.5
Silver Hardknott Brewery Infra Red 6.2
Bronze Hawkshead Brewery N.Z.P.A. 6

Porters, Strong Milds, Old Ales & Stouts
Gold Ossett Brewing Company Treacle Stout 5.0
Silver The Ilkley Brewery Company Stout Mary 4.5
Bronze Great Newsome Brewery Jems Stout 4.3

Speciality Beers
Gold The Jarrow Brewery Westoe IPA 4.6
Silver Acorn Brewery of Barnsley Ltd Blonde 4
Bronze Allendale Brew Co Ltd Black Grouse 4

Elland's 1872 Porter also won the Bottled Bottled Porters, Milds, Old Ales & Stouts category and was second in the overall Bottled Beer category (won by Peerless Brewing's Jinja Ninja from Birkenhead)

Elland's Ushuaia finshed third in the Bottled Bitter Up To 4.9% category, won by Cumbrian Legendary Ales's Langdale.

Saltaire Brewery's fabulous Triple Chocoholic was third in the Bottled Speciality Beers category (won by Peerless Brewing's Jinja Ninja). Saltaire's Cascade was third in the Bottled Gold Beers (won by Peerless Brewing's Hilbre Gold)

Acorn's Old Moor Porter was third in the Porters, Milds, Old Ales, Stouts class.

RAT BEERS
Oct 11: Had a quick slurp of the new Rat and Ratchet beers (see above) at the great Huddersfield pub of the same name.

Need more in depth testing, of course, but I found most of them a little too bitter for me. I could say floral notes but it sounds like a guest speaker at a WI.

Black Rat is a mild, the rest are light and golden.

When the beers were first launched, the pub's beer range was dominated by Ossett and Rat beers, squeezing out an excellent range of local guests, but on subsequent visits they've got the balance right.

PS Also tried Brown Rat - v nice and malty. There's a also a wheat one Rattus Rattus and a porter.

Linfit Beers are back on!Oh yes! The Sair Inn is brewing again months after a brewery fire. Old Eli, a lovely malty beer, was in good order.

WEST YORKSHIRE - BEER CAPITAL
Sept 11: West Yorkshire has more breweries than any other region in Britain, Camra says.

An incredible 43, according to Camra - 10 more than their nearest challengers Derbyshire and North Yorkshire (Greater Manchester has 25). In fact, as you can see below, since Camra published the figures in the Good Beer Guide and elsewhere, there are now 47 breweries in West Yorkshire.

West Yorkshire also leads the way with number of beers - 276, according to Camra.

Here's my list, based on Camra, Quaff Ale, breweries seen in pubs and online. New breweries are marked 2010 and 2011.

Breweries:
Barearts (Todmorden)
Bob’s (Ossett)
Brass Monkey (Sowerby Bridge)
Brewery Tap (Leeds) 2011
Bridestones (Blackshaw Head)
Bridge House (Oxenhope) 2010
Briscoe’s (Otley)
Bronte (Brighouse) probably
Burley Street (Leeds) formerly Fox and Fox and Newt
Clarks (Wakefield)
Eastwood (Elland)
Elland (Elland)
Empire (Slaithwaite)
Fernandes (Wakefield)
Five Towns (Wakefield)
Golcar (Golcar)
Goose Eye (Ingrow Bridge)
Halifax Steam (Hipperholme)
Haworth Steam (Haworth) 2011
Ilkley (Ilkley)
Kirkstall (Leeds) 2011
Landlord’s Friend (Luddenfoot) 2010
Leeds (Leeds)
Linfit (Linthwaite)
Little Valley (Cragg Vale)
Magic Rock (Oakes) 2011
Mallinsons (Huddersfield)
Milltown (Milnsbridge) 2011
Moorview (Guiseley) 2011
Nook (Holmfirth)
Old Bear (Keighley)
Old Spot (Cullngworth)
Ossett (Ossett)
Owenshaw (Sowerby Bridge) 2011
Partners (Dewsbury) – formerly Anglo Dutch
Rat and Ratchet (Huddersfield) 2011
Revolutions (Whitwood) 2010
Ridgeside (Leeds) 2010
Riverhead (Marsden)
Rodham’s (Otley)
Salamander (Bradford)
Saltaire (Shipley)
Sportsman (Huddersfield) 2011 - pictured
Summer Wine (Honley)
Taylor’s (Keighley)
Tigertops (Wakefield)
Wharfebank (Pool in Wharfedale) 2010

Favourites:
The breweries who never let you down whatever beers they make.
Goose Eye
Ilkley
Riverhead
Salamander
Saltaire

Huddersfield and surrounding area:
Some cracking breweries old and new
Empire (Slaithwaite)
Golcar (Golcar)
Magic Rock (Oakes)
Mallinsons (Huddersfield)
Milltown (Milnsbridge)
Nook (Holmfirth)
Riverhead (Marsden)
Sportsman (Huddersfield)
Summer Wine (Honley)

CHAMPION BEER OF BRITAIN
Aug 11: Blogging about beer is becoming more technical, I reckon. When I started this blog I didn’t see many mentions of types of hops, but now it’s Citra this and Syrus that. (Is Syrus a hop? It sounds like it should be. Anything that sounds like a baddy in a superhero comic sounds hoppy).

I suppose there’s a bit of blokey oneupmanship about arcane details, in much the same way as football, trains and music get encyclopedically recalled. (‘Encyclopedically?’ Blimey sorry to get Will Self on your ass)

Personally, I find all this beer detail tedious, but I’m also get miffed that the prevailing trend for ‘quality’ beers is for bitter, hoppy ones - and not dark, sweet ones.

But it was a dark sweet one-two at the Great British Beer Fest, with Mighty Oak brewery's Oscar Wilde crowned the Best Beer in Britain and Chocolate Marble the runner-up.

I've tried the latter but not the winner - described as 'roasty dark mild with suggestions of forest fruits and dark chocolate'.

As I’ve said before, I think the competition for best beer in Britain is good as a showcase of real ale, but best beer in the country? Mmm, not sure – a different set of judges would no doubt have chosen a different selection on the day and I’m never quite sure how the beers in contention are chosen.

Here are the winners:

Overall
Champion Beer of Britain - Mighty Oak, Oscar Wilde (3.7% ABV, Maldon, Essex)
Second - Marble, Chocolate (5.5% ABV, Manchester, Gtr Manchester)
Third - Salopian, Shropshire Gold (3.8%ABV, Shrewsbury, Shropshire)

Mild category
Gold- Mighty Oak, Oscar Wilde (3.7% ABV, Maldon, Essex)
Silver- Rudgate, Ruby Mild (4.4% ABV, York, North Yorkshire)
Bronze- Coastal, Merry Maidens (4% ABV, Redruth, Cornwall)

Bitter category
Gold- Salopian, Shropshire Gold (3.8%ABV, Shrewsbury, Shropshire)
Silver- Teignworthy, Reel Ale (4% ABV, Newton Abbot, Devon)
Joint Bronze- Triple fff, Alton's Pride (3.8% ABV, Alton, Hampshire)
Joint Bronze- Potton, Shannon IPA (3.6% ABV, Potton, Bedfordshire)

Best Bitter category
Gold- Houston, Peter's Well (4.2% ABV, Houston, Renfrewshire)
Silver- Country Life, Golden Pig (4.7% ABV, Bideford, Devon)
Joint Bronze- Castle Rock, Preservation (4.4% ABV, Nottingham, Nottinghamshire)
Joint Bronze- Bollington, Best Bitter (4.2% ABV, Bollington, Cheshire)
Joint Bronze- Blythe, Staffie (4.4% ABV, Rugeley, Staffordshire)

Golden Ale category
Gold- Cumbrian Legendary Ales, Loweswater Gold (4.3% ABV, Hawkshead, Cumbria)
Silver- Salamander, Golden Salamander (4.5% ABV, Bradford, West Yorkshire)
Bronze- Holden's, Golden Glow (4.4% ABV, Dudley, West Midlands)

Strong Bitter category
Gold- Moles, Mole Catcher (5% ABV, Melksham, Wiltshire)
Silver- Kinver, Half Centurion (5% ABV, Kinver, Staffordshire)
Bronze- Adnams Broadside (4.7% ABV, Southwold, Suffolk)

Speciality Beer category
Gold- Oakleaf, I Can't Believe It's Not Bitter (4.9% ABV, Gosport, Hampshire)
Silver- Amber, Chocolate Orange Stout (4% ABV, Ripley, Derbyshire)
Bronze- Orkney, Atlas Wayfarer (4.4% ABV, Stromness, Orkney)

ROCK N ROLL 2

A new Huddersfield brewery, Magic Rock, was launched at The Grove on June 21.

Great to see the pub packed on a Tuesday and the beers appeared to go down well, although, personally, I'm not a fan of such dry, bitter, hoppy beers.

The brewery, based in Oakes, is inspired by a love of US craft beers. When I was in New York I drank Bass (puffs out chest and clutches lapels in a Bradley Hardacre manner. 'Appen!)

ROCK 'N' ROLL!
June 11: A new Huddersfield brewery, Magic Rock, will be launched at The Grove on June 21.

It's run by two brothers, Richard and Jonathan Burhouse, and brewer Stuart Ross (Kelham Island, Acorn).

On tap will be Curious 3.9% 'original pale ale', Rapture 4.6% 'red hop ale' and High Wire 5.5% 'West Coast pale ale' and 7.4% IPA Cannonball available on keg. They also do a 6% stout, Dark Arts.

BACK OF THE NET!
June 11: The Sportsman pub, in Huddersfield, never rests on its laurels.

After revitalising a forgotten boozer, now one of the best in Huddersfield, it is now brewing its own beers.

Its Pigeon Bridge Porter is delicious. I could say coffee notes but I'd rather say, unlike some porters, it doesn't taste like half an ashtray's been tipped into it. There's a (very) pale ale too, Alpha.

SOLD - ANGLO DUTCH BREWERY
June 11: One of the best breweries in the country, Anglo Dutch, has been sold. One of the new owners is Paul Horne from The Spotted Cow in Drighlington. Founder Paul Klos will be staying on to pass on his brewing expertise and the brewery will still be based in Dewsbury. (From Hudds Examiner)

COCK-A-DOODLE-DONE!
April 11: Roosters Brewery to Ian Fozzard and sons Oliver and Tom. Ian is MD of Market Town Taverns, Oliver has brewing experience with Daleside and Copper Dragon. Tom has retail experience with Beer Ritz

ILKLEY BREWERY'S GETTING BIGGER
Mar 11: One of the best new breweries, Ilkley Brewery, is about to get a lot bigger.

It has opened a 20-barrel brewing plant in the town, meaning it can brew 20,000 pints a week, almost five times the amount it was making in 2009 when the original eight-barrel brewery was founded elsewhere in Ilkley.

Brewery owners Chris Ives and Stewart Ross, who previously worked in commercial property, had no previous brewing experience, apart from a three-day brewing course.

Well, you would never have guessed. They’ve produced a range of excellent beers – with Mary Jane and Ilkley Black the highlights.

Unlike some other new breweries, Ilkley has stuck to a core range plus specials, rather than trying to please the tickers with a new beer every month.

They owners have also got the beer right before they’ve gone mad with a bells and whistles websites and bigging up an average product.

Major wholesalers will now supply beers across the country and the brewery projects a turnover of £750,000 with pre-tax profits in excess of £100,000 by December 2011. The owners originally invested £70,000 in the brewery.

Ilkley beers are on sale at over 200 pubs in Yorkshire. Mary Jane, Ilkley Best and Ilkley Black beers are also sold in Asda and Booths supermarkets.

They use the lovely water from the old spa town and maybe that's helped them win a host of awards. Mary Jane won a Society of Independent Brewers gold award in November 2009 and there have been a further four SIBA medals since. The brewery has also scooped gold at the Ilkley, Bradford, Horsforth, Guiseley and Leyburn beer festivals.

ILKLEY BEER FESTIVAL
Feb 11: Ilkey Beer Festival winner: Saltaire's Hazelnut and Coffee Porter. Runner-up: Ilkley Brewery's Mary Jane. A splendid £30,000 raised for charity.

NATIONAL WINTER ALES FESTIVAL
Jan 11: I paid a flying visit to the Winter Ales Festival, in Manchester, on the Friday. First time I've been in Camra's relatively new venue, The Sheridan Suite, on Oldham Road, where the trendy Northern Quarter is only a 15 minute walk away but might as well be 50 miles away. This is a bleak road of scrap merchants, high rises and boarded-up pubs.

The venue itself is a rather anonymous modern building containing a huge, apparently windowless room, rather similar to the main room in the old festival venue, the Co-op, but a lot bigger.

For an organisation that prides itself on the state and condition of pubs it was a rather soulless place and I couldn't wait to get out of there, to be honest, - it was so crowded there was almost nowhere to stand without being in the way of people.

But the attractiveness of venue probably isn't the point. People were only there for the beer and it was so packed they had to stop letting folk in at about 8.30pm. There was a queue of about 50 people outside when I left.

A word for the volunteers, many of whom were run off their feet but were still quick and polite. I doubt if some 'professional' bar staff could have coped as well. It's sad to note that many of the volunteers were older than most of the people there. Come on drinkers, get behnd the bar - it's great fun, honest (although you'll be too exhausted to drink afterwards!).

It was also a well-run festival - clearly signed, so you could see where all the beers were, with a special dining area (the curry was top notch)

Entire Stout from the Hop Back Brewery, Wiltshire, was crowned the Supreme Champion by a panel of beer writers, members of the licensed trade and CAMRA members.

Thirty-five beers (9 Porters, 9 Stouts, 9 Old Ales / Milds and 8 Barley Wines), chosen by CAMRA branches and tasting panels, were entered into the final. The overall silver went to Chocolate brewed by Marble in Manchester, whilst the bronze medal went to Praetorian Porter brewed in Leicestershire by Dow Bridge brewery.

I've tried the Hop Back but can't remember what it was like and the Chocolate isn't one of Marble's best. Exmoor Beast was my favourite - a strong, sweet, dark, barley wine (one of the finalists). I also had a go at Red Squirrel's London Porter (a bronze medal winner) Allgates' Double Chocolate Stout and Yorkshire Dales' Garsdale Smokebox

Full results:
Overall winners
Supreme Champion Winter Beer of Britain - Entire Stout, Hop Back (Wiltshire)
Silver - Chocolate, Marble (Manchester)
Bronze - Praetorian Porter, Dow Bridge (Leicestershire)

Old Ales and Strong Milds category
Gold- Chocolate, Marble (Manchester)
Silver- Old Ale, King (West Sussex)
Bronze- Dark Raven, Beowulf (Staffordshire)
Other category finalists - Shefford Old Dark (B&T, Bedfordshire), Father Mike's Dark Ruby (Brunswick, Derbyshire), Midnight Belle (Leeds, West Yorkshire), Highlander (Fyne, Argyll, Scotland), Dark & Handsome (Box Steam, Wiltshire), Mwnci Nell (Nant, Conwy, Wales)

Porters category
Gold- Praetorian Porter, Dow Bridge (Leicestershire)
Silver- Finns Hall Porter, Beowulf (Staffordshire)
Bronze- London Porter, Red Squirrel (Hertfordshire)
Other category finalists - Old Moor Porter (Acorn, South Yorkshire), Smoked Porter (Wapping, Merseyside), Black Galloway (Sulwath, Dumfries & Galloway, Scotland), Bottle Wreck Porter (Hammerpot, West Sussex), Station Porter (Wickwar, Gloucestershire), Telford Porter (Conwy, Conwy, Wales)

Stouts category
Gold- Entire Stout, Hop Back (Wiltshire)
Silver- Smokey Joes Black Beer, Hop Star (Lancashire)
Bronze- Nero, Milton (Cambridgeshire)
Other category finalists - Saint Petersburg (Thornbridge, Derbyshire), Sauce of the Niall (Bull Lane, Tyne & Wear), Black Gold (Cairngorm, Highlands, Scotland), Zig Zag Stout (Milk Street, Somerset), Welsh Black (Heart of Wales, Powys, Wales), Titanic Stout (Titanic, Staffordshire)

Barley Wines category
Gold- Old Ale, Holden's (West Midlands)
Silver- Old Tom, Robinsons (Stockport, Cheshire)
Bronze- Hibernator, Black Isle (Ross-shire, Scotland)

Other category finalists - Tally Ho! (Adnams, Suffolk), Extinction Ale (Darwin, Tyne & Wear), Old 1066 Ale (Goacher's, Kent), Beast (Exmoor, Somerset), High as a Kite (Heart of Wales, Powys, Wales)

GREAT NORTHERN BEER FESTIVAL
Nov 10: The Society of Independent Brewers held its biggest northern competition in the Palace Hotel, Manchester, last weekend, with 300 different cask beers and 120 different bottled beers, a specially constructed cellar and bar for 56 handpumps.

Even though the northern region has 120 different brewers, a handful dominated, including overall champion Bowland with three awards. Millstone of Mossley, Daleside of Harrogate, and Ilkley also picked up three gongs. Ossett picked up five, three for its bottled beers.

I don't think I've tried the winner, but runner-up True Grit's always a pleasure. In the milds, all three are excellent, with Nutty Slack a particular delight. Eleswhere it's good to see some of my favourite beers being acknowledged - Ossett's Excelsior and Treacle Stout, York Guzzler and Elland Porter.

A word too for Ilkley Brewery, the 'baby' of the bunch as far as the big winners go. Formed in 2009 it has quickly established itself with a range of quality beers.

Overall Champion of the Competition
Gold The Bowland Beer Company Ltd Admiral 4.4
Silver Millstone Brewery Limited True Grit 5.0
Bronze Daleside Brewery Ltd Monkey Wrench 5.3

Milds
Gold Prospect Brewery Nutty Slack 3.9
Silver (Ossett) Fernandes Brewery Malt Shovel Mild 3.8
Bronze The Ilkley Brewery Company Ltd Ilkley Black 3.7

Bitters & Pale Ales (Up to 4.0%)
Gold Millstone Brewery Limited Vale Mill 3.9
Silver Hawkshead Brewery Windermere Pale 3.5
Bronze York Brewery Guzzler 3.6

Best Bitters (4.1 – 4.5%)
Gold The Bowland Beer Company Ltd. Admiral 4.4
Silver The Bowland Beer Company Ltd. Dragon 4.2
Bronze The Ilkley Brewery Company Ltd Ilkley Pale 4.2

Premium Bitters (4.6 – 5.0)
Gold Millstone Brewery Limited True Grit 5.0
Silver Wold Top Brewery Wold Gold 4.8
Bronze Bradfield Brewery Ltd Farmers Pale Ale 5.0

Strong Bitters (5.1 – 5.5)
Gold Daleside Brewery Ltd Monkey Wrench 5.3
Silver Ossett Brewery Excelsior 5.2
Bronze Kelham Island Pale Rider 5.2

Strong Ales (Over 5.6)
Gold Allgates Brewery Limited Mad Monk 7.1
Silver Peerless Brewing Company Limited Full Whack 6.0
Bronze The Ilkley Brewery Company Ltd Lotus IPA 5.6

Porters, Strong Milds, Old Ales & Stouts
Gold Elland Brewery 1872 Porter 6.5
Silver Bradfield Brewery Ltd Farmers Stout 4.5
Bronze Bank Top Brewery Leprechaun Stout 6.0

Speciality Beers
Gold The Coach House Brewing Co Ltd Blueberry Classic Bitter 5.0
Silver Beartown Brewery Peach Melbear 4.4
Bronze Roosters Brewery Honey Beer 5.0

Bottled Beers
Gold Ossett Brewery Treacle Stout 5.0
Silver Daleside Brewery Ltd Ripon Jewel 5.8
Bronze Cumbrian Legendary Ales Croglin Vampire 8.0

Ossett's Treacle Stout also won best bottled porter/mild/stout, while its Yorkshire Blonde Premium won best bottled gold beer.

Photo and results: SIBA

Winners at Huddersfield Oktoberfest:
More wins for the prolific Mallinsons, one of Huddersfield's most successful brewers. I have to say I don't try them much as they're a bit too bitter and hoppy for me.

Overall Beer of the Festival: Castle Hill 4.6% abv, Mallinsons, Lindley, Huddersfield
Mild of the Festival: Midnight Bell 4.8% abv, Leeds Brewery, Leeds
Bitter of the Festival: Cheers Charlie 3.9% abv, Mallinsons, Lindley, Huddersfield
Strong Ale of the Festival: Castle Hill 4.6% abv, Mallinsons, Lindley, Huddersfield
Stout/Porter of the Festival: Ossett Treacle Stout 5.0% abv, Ossett Brewery, Ossett
Speciality Beer of the Festival: Rum for Cover 6.5% abv, Fernandes, Wakefield
David Charlesworth (‘Charlie’) Award for New Beer of the Festival: Cheers Charlie 3.9% abv, Mallinsons, Lindley, Huddersfield

HUDDERSFIELD OKTOBERFEST - IT'S ON!Aug 10: Phew! I was getting worried. There was no mention of Huddersfield's beer festival in the August edition of Camra's paper or the website earlier this week. But it's definitely on - October 14-16, at The Sikh Leisure Centre.

The late David Charlesworth organised the festivals and picked this venue last year and what a good choice. It's a gym, effectively, but it's light and roomy and there' a nice atmosphere when it's full. I was thinking there might have been a Charlesworth hole in the organisation this year, hence the delays, but it must be a swine to cross all the T's and dot all the I's when organising a festival.

Ninety real ales are promised, plus ciders. All-day sessions on the Friday and Saturday, evening only on the Thursday. £3 for non-members, a quid for Camra buffs.

I first realised the festival was on when I saw leaflets at the Huddersfield Food and Drink Festival, where I sampled halves from The Sportsman and The Star and noticed that Elland brewery and the Nook pub/brewery also had stalls, even though they don't appear to be on the festival nwebsite.Incidentally, look out for Pots and Pies stall and try the lamb and mint - chunks of lovely meat in a soft pastry, near the Sportsman stall. (Sorry Jones's pies, I still love you)

HURRAH FOR GOLCAR!Aug 10: Great news for one of Huddersfield's best breweries - a fantastic third place for the underrated Golcar Brewery in the Great British Beer Festival's mild category.

Underrated because this is a brewery that has concentrated on brewing since 2001, and not on a bells-and-whistles website and umpteen press releases before they've got the beer right.

It's a shame, too, that because of those darned tickers and their unquenchable desire for obscure beers from obscurer counties, Golcar beers are only available regularly in Hudds town centre at The Kings Head and The Sportsman.

So while the tickers are creaming over a rare Chiblington's Half Average from Juttington-on-Trym, Golcar beers remain relatively overlooked.

Elsewhere at the festival, it was a slightly disappointing result as usual. Castle Rock's Harvest Pale was overall winner - pleasant but nowt special - and runner-up was Timmy Taylor's Landlord! Familiarity may breed contempt but really, Golden and Ram Tam are so much better.

Elsewhere it was good to see Purple Moose, Evan Evans, Orkney, St Austell, Marble and, of course, Elland in the running.

Overall winners
Champion Beer of Britain - Castle Rock, Harvest Pale (3.8% ABV, Nottingham, Notts)Second - Timothy Taylor, Landlord (4.3% ABV, Keighley, West Yorkshire)
Third - Surrey Hills, Hammer Mild (3.8% ABV, Guildford, Surrey)

Mild category
Gold- Surrey Hills, Hammer Mild (3.8% ABV, Guildford, Surrey)
Silver- Greene King, XX Mild (3% ABV, Bury St Edmunds, Suffolk)
Joint Bronze- Golcar, Dark Mild (3.4% ABV, Huddersfield, West Yorkshire)
Joint Bronze- Nottingham, Rock Ale Mild (3.8% ABV, Nottingham, Notts)

Bitter category
Gold- RCH, PG Steam (3.9% ABV, Weston-Super-Mare, Somerset)
Silver- Moor, Revival (3.8% ABV, Pitney, Somerset)
Joint Bronze- Orkney, Raven (3.8% ABV, Stromness, Orkney)
Joint Bronze- Purple Moose, Snowdonia Ale (3.6% ABV, Portmadog, Gwynedd)

Best Bitter category
Gold- Timothy Taylor, Landlord (4.3% ABV, Keighley, West Yorkshire)
Silver- St Austell, Tribute (4.2% ABV, St Austell, Cornwall)
Joint Bronze- Evan Evans, Cwrw (4.2% ABV, Llandeilo, Carmarthenshire)
Joint Bronze- Great Oakley, Gobble (4.5% ABV, Great Oakley, Northamptonshire)

Golden Ale category
Gold- Castle Rock, Harvest Pale (3.8% ABV, Nottingham, Notts)
Silver- Marble, Manchester Bitter (4.2%, Manchester, Gtr Manchester)
Bronze- St Austell, Proper Job (4.5% ABV, St Austell, Cornwall)

Strong Bitter category
Gold- Thornbridge, Jaipur IPA (5.9% ABV, Bakewell, Derbyshire)
Silver- Fuller's, Gales HSB (4.8% ABV, Chiswick, Gtr London)
Bronze- Beckstones, Rev Rob (4.6% ABV, Millom, Cumbria)

Speciality Beer category
Gold- Amber, Chocolate Orange Stout (4% ABV, Ripley, Derbyshire)
Silver- O'Hanlon's, Port Stout (4.8% ABV, Whimple, Devon)
Bronze- Breconshire, Ysbrid y Ddraig (6.5% ABV, Brecon, Powys)

Winter Beer of Britain winner (announced in January 2010)Elland, 1872 Porter (6.5% ABV, Elland, West Yorkshire)

Bottled Beer of Britain winners
Gold- St Austell, Admiral's Ale (5% ABV, St Austell, Cornwall)
Silver- Pitfield, 1850 London Porter (5% ABV, Epping, Essex)
Bronze- Great Oakley, Delapre Dark (4.6% ABV, Great Oakley, Northamptonshire)

CHOCK-A-LOCKA-DING-DONG!
March 10: My favourite brewery of last year has won the Society of Independent Brewery's top award for 2010 for its fabulous Triple Chocoholic stout.

Hoppy beers seem to be the favourites at most award ceremonies, and some Camra fundamentalists seem to look down on people who like dark beers, so it's great to see this stout win.

Saltaire's Hazelnut Coffee Porter is almost as good.

Saltaire scooped three awards in the SIBA National Beer Competition 2010. Triple Chocoholic, a 4.8 per center, also won the Champion Speciality Beer category, while the brewery’s Cascade Pale Ale scooped the Champion Premium Bitters prize.

There were 1,400 beer enterted originally, whittled down to 63 finalists and 10 category winners. The Supreme Champion title was then selected from the eight draught winners.

Good to see Bank Top's excellent mild getting another award.

Full results
Supreme Champion Beer 2010 Triple Chocoholic Saltaire Brewery, Shipley

Champion Milds (up to 4% ABV) Dark Mild Bank Top Brewery, Bolton

Champion Bitters & Pale Ales (up to 4% ABV) Lord Marples Thornbridge Brewery, Derbyshire

Champion Best Bitters (4.1 – 4.5% ABV) Darwins Origin Salopian Brewing, Shrewsbury

Champion Premium Bitters (4.6 – 4.9%) Cascade Pale Ale Supreme

Speciality Beer Saltaire Brewery, Shipley

Champion Strong Bitters (5.1 – 5.5% ABV) Big Chief Bitter Greenmill Brewery, Rochdale

Champion Strong Ales (over 5.6%) Dorothy Goodbody’s Country Ale Wye Valley Brewery

Champion Porters, Strong Milds, Old Ales & Stouts Guerilla Blue Monkey Brewery, DerbyshireChampion Speciality Beers Triple Chocoholic Saltaire Brewery, Shipley

Champion Bottled Beers Proper Job St Austell Brewery

Ilkley Beer Festival winner:Missed it for the first time this year but organisers say it was the most successful yet. Home win for beer of the festival for Ilkley Brewery's Mary Jane, a light 'un. Must be more organised about getting tickets next year!

MAKE AN EXHIBITION OF YOURSELF - DEWSBURY BEER FESTIVAL IS BACK
March 10: If you look carefully at my photo of the fabulous West Riding Refreshment Rooms, in Dewsbury, you'll see a poster of the second Kirklees Camra 'beer exhibition' at Batley Town Hall.

Well it's back - the 2010 Dewsbury & Heavy Woollen: Real Ale, Food & Music Festival - to give the 'exhibition' its full title. It marks the 35th anniversary of the first exhibition in Dewsbury and is organised by the Heavy Woollen Camra branch and backed by local businesses.

It's at Dewsbury town hall, from May 20-22, and features 70 different real ales from Yorkshire, 10 ciders, nine 'turns', loads of food and Girl Guides beer tasting. Sorry I misread that - it's a GIRL'S GUIDE to beer tasting (phew, I had images of wobbly, bearded men in 'zany' fancy dress).Tickets available soon, see here.

GREAT WIN FOR ELLAND
Jan 10: The excellent 1872 Porter from the Elland Brewery, in Elland, has been crowned the Supreme Champion Winter Beer of Britain at the National Winter Ales Festival in Manchester.

The 6.5% abv porter, made from a Victorian recipe, is described by Camra as a 'creamy, full-flavoured porter, with rich liquorice flavours with a hint of chocolate from roast malt.'Silver went to Breconshire's Ramblers Ruin, whilst the bronze medal went to Acorn's Gorlovka Imperial Stout. Good to see Leeds Midnight Bell getting a silver in the mild category.

FULL RESULTS:
Old Ales and Strong Milds category:
Gold- Breconshire, Ramblers Ruin (Brecon, Powys)
Silver- Leeds, Midnight Bell (Leeds, West Yorkshire)
Bronze- Beartown, Black Bear (Congleton, Cheshire)

Porters category
Gold- Elland, 1872 Porter (Elland, West Yorkshire)
Silver- Sulwath, Black Galloway (Castle Douglas, Dumfries & Galloway)
Bronze- RCH, Old Slug Porter (Weston-Super-Mare, Somerset)

Stouts category
Gold- Acorn, Gorlovka Imperial Stout (Barnsley, South Yorkshire)
Silver- Beowulf, Dragon Smoke Stout (Brownhills, Staffordshire)
Bronze- Wapping, Stout (Liverpool, Merseyside)

Barley Wines category
Gold- Robinsons, Old Tom (Stockport, Cheshire)
Silver- Kinver, Over the Edge (Kinver, Staffordshire)
Bronze- Otley, O8 (Pontypridd, Mid Glamorgan)

Overall
Gold- Elland, 1872 Porter (Elland, West Yorkshire)
Silver- Breconshire, Ramblers Ruin (Brecon, Powys)
Bronze- Acorn, Gorlovka Imperial Stout (Barnsley, South Yorkshire)

REVIEW OF THE YEAR Jan 2010: Not just beer and pubs, also films, pies, cakes, loaves, cats and dogs.
Beers of the year:
A year ago, my pals Richard (King of Otley) and Skipton Quanters (names changed to protect the innocent) came up with a 'drink around England' competition. We all had to try a beer from every county, first one to do so wins.

Sadly my first venture in beer tickerdom didn't last long. I didn't want to be carrying a notepad and pen around - or whispering into a recorder as someone in The Grove in Hudds does ('Old Throgmore's Expendable, that's Old Throgmore's Expendable').

And I didn't wanting to be wasting my time and money on awful ales for the sake of ticking off another county.

Also, I don't want to sound like I've got a massive northern chip on shoulder (with gravy), but I'm tired of bitter, hoppy, flat beers, that taste almost medicinal, many of which seem to be made down south.I did manage to drink beers from nine English counties and one each from Wales and Scotland in January, the only month where I 'ticked off'.

Sussex was in fact second on my list of counties with four different beers. Perhaps it was the northern names that fooled me - Hepworth Old Ale, from Horsham, and Rother Valley Blues, a porter from Rye - and these turned out to be some of my favourites of the year.

The Star Inn's festivals proved a good source of unusual beers and Cottage's Old Freckled Ken, from Somerset, was another favourite - a smashing, caramelly beer.Also, here are my Greater Manchester beers of the year, published on the Manchester Evening News' City Life website

Best Brewery:Talking of flavoured beers, they're difficult to do - either overwhelming the beer or barely registering. Raise a glass to Saltaire Brewery - their Triple Chocoholic and Hazelnut Coffee Porter were spot on.

Best Bottled Beer:Camra fundamentalists are insisting that bottle conditioned beers are the only 'proper bottled beers', but this often means good brewers are making gravelly homebrews which taste like they've been mixed in a bath. So thank goodness for Co-operative Strong Brown Beer. It's sweet and tasty.

Pubs (home):The usual suspects - both Groves, Rat and Ratchet, King's Head, Star, Three Pigeons, The Sair, and Guest House (see Best Pubs) plus The Sportsman, a great addition to the Huddersfield circuit. Cracking refurbishment, great selection of Yorkshire beers and friendly staff. Why can't the so-called expert pub companies do this, instead of propping up a series of shabby, muttonhead pubs elsewhere in the town?

I should also mention the Tunnel End Inn, in Marsden, a textbook example of how a friendly and innovative landlord and landlady can keep an out-of-the-way pub busy - good beer, hearty food and special events.

Pubs (away):Bishops Castle in Shropshire has two brew pubs at either end of the small town and plenty of quirky shops in between. It's also an unbelievably friendly place and myself and the lovely P got chatting to Big Nev, landlord of one of the pubs, The Six Bells while we were playing dominoes (I know how to show a woman a good time). He's not as fearsome as his portrait on the beer mats and the beer named after him is lovely.

Films:Damned United, Frost Nixon, Slumdog Millionaire, The Wrestler, Star Trek

Films I should have seen:District 9, An Education, Up, Moon

Gig:Jeffrey Lewis, Hebden Bridge Trades ClubLP:Madness, Liberty of Norton FolgatePie:Orchard Pigs' tractor wheel pork pies. Made by a Raymond Blanc-trained chap near Wrexham and sold at Manchester Christmas Markets. Crisp but soft pastry, excellent quality meat from pigs bred on the firm's farm. No grease or gristle.

Cake:I bought a lovely slice of chocolate cake at the Ludlow Food and Drink Festival from Cake Creations of Hereford. It was slightly awkward carrying a slice of cake in one hand and a pint of real ale in the other (I'm on a special diet) so I decided to have a nibble. Bad move - the combination of perfectly-proportioned moist sponge and filling was irresistible and I scoffed the lot.

Loaf:The light and nutty brown loaf by Barbakan bakers, of Chorlton (sold in Katsouris deli in Manchester) has been a mainstay all year

Cat:Squeeky - laid-back ball of fluff from next door surveying the world from our recycling bin. Famous for her mewing.

Dog:Folly the cocker spaniel in the Star Inn already has a sad face and watery eyes, but she had to have a cone fitted over her head following a visit to the vets and looked even sadder. She even had a beer named after her (Folly's Dog Collar Blues, pictured) but now she's back on form.

GOOD BEERS AND OLD FARTS

Nov 09: "The same old faces, the same old beards, the same old flatulence," a Camra acquaintance said to a bearded me at another excellent Star Inn Beer Festival, in Lockwood, Huddersfield.

I never fart at beer festivals, not since an incident at the Wakefield Beer Festival a few years back.I was with a few pals when a terrible stench arose. My friend Rob pointed at me and everyone believed him, including strangers sitting nearby. Everyone blames the fat bloke.

During the rest of the beer festival, every fart in our vicinity was blamed on me. Then a few months later, a smirking Rob confessed he was the culprit. The swine!

Anyway back to the Star Fest. As I always say when I review the Star's dos, they have an amazing selection of beers.

Some pubs put 12 beers on and call it festival - The Star had 62 this time and I didn't have a bad one.I had a few lovely dark, chocolatey beers - Cheddar's Totty Pot, Lytham's Lytham Dark and Cottage's Old Freckled Ken. There was also a chance to try beers from recent award winners Ilkley (Grandmas' Pud, a porter) and Five Towns (Viva Cas Vegas, a tasty copper-coloured one).

Which pub has the best beer festivals? The answer my friend is blowing in the wind (and it's not me) - The Star.

BEER FESTIVAL/SIBA WINNERS 2009

Nov 09: Wakefield Camra have kindly released the top 10 most popular beers at their recent festival and I've decided to track down a few other winners of branch festivals this year.

It's always interesting to find out if your favourites match up with everyone else's, but while branches are very good at pre-publicity for their beer festivals, it's often a bugger to find out who's won.

YORKSaltaire Triple Chocoholic (does anyone do flavoured beers better? I don't think so - chocolatey without being sickly or too heavy)

WAKEFIELD1 Five Towns Niamh's Nemesis2 Thornbridge Jaipur3 Mallinsons Stainborough Castle4 Bob's Chardonnayle5 East Coast Bonhomme Richard/Iceni Fine Soft Day7 Five Towns Ponte Carlo8 Fat Cat (Norwich, Norfolk) Bitter/Nottingham Rock Ale10 Mallinsons Emley Moor Mild/Potbelly Captain Pigwash/Sarah Hughes Dark Ruby Mild/Elland DiabloFunnily enough I've had all the 10th placed ones - all good ones, plus Jaipur (one of the most popular beers at festivals) and Chardonnayle.

SKIPTONDunham Massey's Chocolate Cherry MildAnother hit at festivals, but one that will never pass my lips after a liqueur incident as a child.

SHEFFIELD1 Thornbridge Gold2 Bollington White Nancy/Brew Company St Petrus StoutThornbridge also won the bitter and strong bitter categories. Leeds Midnight Bell won best porter, Bollington Nights won best mild.

OLDHAM1 Millstone Ye Olde Vic2 Phoenix Black Bee3 Green Mill Big Chief

MANCHESTER FOOD AND DRINK FESTIVALJudges: Marble Dobber
Public: Outstanding Stout

LEEDSBoggart Hole Clough's Dark Rum Porter (a good 'un)Best Mild: Sarah Hughes Dark Ruby

HUDDERSFIELDOverall (and best bitter): Mallinsons Scarlet Pimpernel
Mild: Brass Monkey Tamarin Mild
Strong Ale: Fullers 1845
Porter: Golcar's Guthlacs Porter
Stout: Mallinsons Oatmeal Stout
Speciality Beer: Marble Ginger
Can't fault any of these choices

CHESHIRE BEER OF THE YEARBollington Brewery Best Bitter

BRADFORDChampion beer: East Coast SSBMild: Bridestone’s Pennine Dark Mild.3.5-4%ABV: East Coast SSB.4.1-4.5%: Naylor’s Star Anise.4.6-5%: Saltaire Texas Brown.5%: Thornbridge Kapito.

SOCIETY OF INDEPENDENT BREWERS NORTH OF ENGLAND WINNERS (to compete in 2010 national finals)Bitter/Pale Ale: Ilkley Brewing Company's Mary Jane
Strong Ale: Acorn Conquest

BEER FESTIVAL IN SIKH LEISURE CENTREAug 09: What do a masonic lodge, an Irish club and a Sikh leisure centre have in common? They have been - or will be - venues for the Huddersfield Beer Festival.

This year the festival moves to the Sikh Leisure Centre, on the edge of the town centre, almost midway between The Grove and The Rat.

The festival has become a victim of its own success. It has outgrown its former home, St Patricks, which has become a bit cramped in the past two years.

Let's hope the festival doesn't lose its atmosphere in a bigger, less pubby venue.And let's hope well-oiled punters don't get mown down on the ring road trying to get to the Rat.

Around 80 different real ales will be on sale, many from local breweries. There's also a cider bar featuring 10 ciders and perries.

Opening times: Thurs October 1 6pm-10.30pm; Fri October 2 noon-11pm; Sat October 3 11am-11pm.Entrance fee: £1 to CAMRA members; £3 non-membs. No advance tickets.

The centre itself is in Apna Ave, off Prospect St, HD1 2NXI'm putting in my usual stint behind the bar on the Saturday afternoon/early evening.

I'll be the fat one with glasses (sorry, that doesn't narrow it down much). If you fancy being a volunteer behind the bar, contact robert.tomlinson@cht.nhs.uk.

RUDGATE MILD IS BEST BEER IN BRITAIN

Aug 09: Congratulations to Rudgate brewery of York. Their Ruby Mild has been voted Best Beer in Britain at Camra's Great British Beer Festival.

It's a nice pint and it's great to see a mild win, but I have to say I don't hold much store in this competition, apart from the national publicity real ale gets.

Some past winners have been very disappointing. I think the winners depend on the judging panel on the day and Camra never make it clear who they are.

Rudgate beat 60 finalists in seven categories. The finalists themselves were whittled down from a year of testing by branch members and in regional competitions.Yet again (and I say this every year) the south of England dominates among category winners, runners-up, and bronze medallists - with 13 beers. The Midlands had five, north of England four and Scotland and Wales one each.

Are southern beers more lightier and hoppier and more to the judges' taste? Past winners tended to be these sort of beers.

This may be a wild generalisation, of course, because the winner this year is a mild and the runner-up, Oakham's Attila, a barley wine. Third overall was West Berkshire's Dr Hexters Healer - a beer with a 'citrus, orange and marmalade finish', according to the brewer (sounds dreadful, if I wanted fruit I'd have a smoothie).

The top three are all relatively strong too - Rudgate at 4.4 per cent, Attila 7.5 and Hexters 5.Here are the full results. Good to see Southport's Sandgrounder winning a category and Bank Top finishing second in the mild category - it's better than Rudgate I reckon.
Overall winners
Champion Beer of Britain - Rudgate, Ruby Mild (York, North Yorkshire)
Second - Oakham, Attila (Peterborough, Cambridgeshire)
Third - West Berkshire, Dr Hexter's Healer (Thatcham, Berkshire)

Mild category
Gold - Rudgate, Ruby Mild (York, North Yorkshire)
Silver - Bank Top, Dark Mild (Bolton, Lancashire)
Bronze - Highland, Dark Munro (Birsay, Orkney)

Bitter category
Gold - Surrey Hills, Ranmore Ale (Guildford, Surrey)
Silver - Butcombe, Bitter (Bristol, Avon)
Joint Bronze - Humpty Dumpty, Little Sharpie (Reedham, Norfolk)
Joint Bronze - Triple fff, Alton's Pride (Alton, Hampshire)

Best Bitter category
Gold - Southport, Golden Sands (Southport, Merseyside)
Silver - Buntingford, Britannia (Royston, Hertfordshire)
Joint Bronze - Evan Evans, Cwrw (Llandeilo, Carmarthenshire)
Joint Bronze - Thornbridge, Lord Marples (Bakewell, Derbyshire)
Joint Bronze - Vale, VPA (Brill, Buckinghamshire)

Golden Ale category
Gold - Dark Star, American Pale Ale (Ansty, West Sussex)
Joint Silver - Adnams, Explorer (Southwold, Suffolk)
Joint Silver - St Austell, Proper Job (St Austell, Cornwall)

Strong Bitter category
Gold - West Berkshire, Dr Hexter's Healer (Thatcham, Berkshire)
Silver - Thornbridge, Kipling (Bakewell, Derbyshire)
Bronze - Grain, Tamarind IPA (Harleston, Norfolk)

Speciality Beer category
Gold - Nethergate, Umbel Magna (Pentlow, Essex)
Silver - Wentworth, Bumble Beer (Wentworth, South Yorkshire)
Bronze - Amber, Chocolate Orange Stout (Ripley, Derbyshire)

Winter Beer of Britain winner (announced in January 2009)Oakham, Attila (Cambridgshire)

Bottled Beer of Britain winners
Gold - Titanic, Stout (Stoke-on-Trent, Staffordshire)
Silver - Great Gable, Yewbarrow (Gosforth, Cumbria)
Bronze - White Shield Brewery, White Shield (Coors, Burton-on-Trent)

Camra now has 100,000 members and there are 670 brewers in the UK, more than at any other time since the war.Let's hope the Tory twats who infest beer mags and blogs (it's all right to say twat - David 'Dave of the People' Cameron said it) remember that Gordon Brown helped to start the brewing boom by cutting tax to help micro-brewers, but no doubt we'll hear more whingeing about the government raising booze duty (like every government, especially in a recession) and the smoking ban (it was a free vote, blame MPs of all parties).

SOCIETY OF INDEPENDENT BREWERS' BEERS OF THE YEAR 2009
April 09: Cairngorm's Black Gold has been crowned supreme champion out of 62 finalists in SIBA's National Beer Competition. Runner-up was Arundel's Sussex Mild, with Oakham's Bishop's Farewell and Castle Rock's Screech Owl joint third.
Beers were divided into nine categories with seven regional winners in each.

National category winners:
Mild: Arundel's Sussex Mild
Bitter and Pale Ale (up to 4.0%): Yeovil's Star Gazer
Best Bitter (4.1-4.5%): Purity's Mad Goose
Premium (4.6–4.9%): Oakham's Bishop's Farewell
Strong Bitter (5.1-5.5%): Castle Rock's Screech Owl (Ossett's magnificent Excelsior was runner-up)
Strong Ale (over 5.6%): Highland's Orkney Blast
Champion Porters, Strong Milds, Old Ales & Stouts: Cairngorm's Black Gold
Speciality Beers: Dark Star's Espresso (Saltaire's fabulous Hazelnut Coffee Porter was second)
Bottled Beer: Oakleaf's Hole Hearted

Northern results:Champion: Southport Brewery's Golden Sands
2 Prospect Brewery's Nutty Slack
3 Millstone Brewery's True Grit

Mild: Prospect's Nutty Slack
2 Bank Top Brewery's Dark Mild
3 Moorhouses Brewery's Black Cat

Porters, Strong Milds, Old Ales and Stouts: Lancaster Brewery's Lancaster Black
2 Bowland Beer Company's Black Dragon Porter
3 Rudgate Brewery's Ruby Mild

Bitters and Pale Ales: Southport Brewery's Golden Sands

Best Bitters: Kelham Island Brewery's Easy Rider

Premium Bitters: Millstone Brewery's True Grit

Strong Bitters: Ossett's Excelsior

Speciality: Saltaire Brewery's Hazlenut Coffee Porter

MY TICKER SHAME!
Feb 09: Yes, I've started jotting down which beers I've drunk - but my friends 'forced' me to it!

King Richard of Otley and Raiders of Skipton came up with this 'drink around Britain' scheme shortly before Christmas. The idea is that we try and drink a beer from every county this year. We also choose our favourites every month.I tend to drink beers which are dark and from the north of England.

Owing to time and money constraints I didn't alter my drinking habits in January - I've been disappointed too many times by 'award-winning beers' from down south which are too hoppy and bitter for me.

Also, I've always been averse to ticking - trying beers just to add them to a list rather than for their quality. It means many brewers produce rafts of beers to satisfy the tickers and the good beers get lost because of the huge numbers produced.

Having said all that I did manage to drink beers from nine English counties and one each from Wales and Scotland in January, mainly in the King's Head, Grove and Rat and Ratchet in Huddersfield.

Yorkshire dominated with 11 different beers including old favourites Ossett Excelsior, Saltaire Hazelnut Coffee Porter and Riverhead Sparth Mild. I also wanted to try beers from new breweries Summer Wine from Holmfirth and Brass Monkey from Sowerby Bridge, plus there were two new 'uns from Mallinsons of Lindley available.

Surprisingly, Sussex was second on my list of counties with four different beers. Perhaps it was the northern names that fooled me - Hepworth Old Ale from Horsham and Rother Valley Blues from Rye were among the ones I tried and they were my two favourites in January. Rother Valley Blues was a porter, I think (listen I'm not writing a flaming essay in a pub on a busy Friday!)

To see all three Real Ale Twat strips in readable versions, go here

Real Ale Twats

ILKLEY BEER FESTIVAL 2: THE PIES

Feb 09: Another lovely afternoon in Ilkley for the second beer festival in the town. Good selection of ales in good form. My favourites were Dent Aviator and Hesket's Doris's 90th birthday (butterscotchy - the beer not Doris, although she's probably grappled with a Werther's in her time).

Hesket are from Newmarket in Cumbria - a new 'un for me. Plenty of staff on as per last year and as it's a Round Table event some of the servers look slightly startled to be part of the service economy!

As for the pies I didn't try 'em, although I'm familiar with Lishman's work. But who does their PR? Do we really want to know that much about the black puddings?

WINTER BEER FESTIVAL RESULTS 2009

Jan 09: A barley wine is this year's winner of the National Winter Ales Festival in Manchester. It's Oakham's Attila, a 7.5 per center. I was on the panel for the old ales and strong milds category and our favourite, Sarah Hughes's Dark Mild, finished third overall with Elland Brewery's excellent 1872 Porter the overall runner-up.

Being a judge is an intriguing experience and made me realise my sense of smell isn't up too much. While my fellow panellists - two Camra execs and two brewery chaps from Marble and Isle of Arran - were extolling fruity notes, coffee and smoke, I barely got a whiff of caramel.

We tried seven beers, only knowing they were either ales or milds. Most of us agreed the Sarah Hughes was one of the best, although the last one I tried, an old ale, was my equal favourite with the Sarah Hughes. Unfortunately I couldn't find out what this was.

Stouts and porters were being tried elsewhere in the judging room and our winner and their winners went forward to a final tasting panel, along with Oakham's which had already won a barley wine competition at the Dudley festival in November.

BEERS OF THE YEAR 2008

Dec 08: Here's a list I made for the City Life website so it's a bit Manc biased but I think it's a fair reflection of local award winners and a few of my own favourites. My personal favourites would be Ossett Excelsior, any Acorn beers, Empire's Pandemonium Vanilla Porter, Saltaire's Coffee Porter, Mallinsons' Wild Card, Linfit Old Eli/Special and Marble Ginger.

Allgates Hung Drawn and Portered A lovely, rich porter from Wigan. This was my favourite at the City Life Food and Drink Festival’s Greater Manchester Beer of the Year.

Bank Top Pavilion Pale Ale The Bolton brewery won the people’s pint award at the City Life Manchester Food and Drink Festival. A pale 4.5 per center.

Dunham Massey Chocolate Cherry Mild Winner of the Bury, Huddersfield and Chelmsford Beer Festivals. I’m afraid I haven’t tried this one as it brings back memories of a chocolate liqueur incident in my youth, but I’ve heard good reports.

Hornbeam Dark Domination The Denton brewery triumphed with this one at the Leeds Beer Festival. It’s a chocolatey 6 per center with dominatrixes on the beerclips. Hornbeam’s Malt Mountain Mild was champion beer at Rugby’s festival.

Linfit The only place to try this brewery’s beers is at a former national CAMRA pub of the year, The Sair Inn, in Linthwaite, near Huddersfield. There were fears for the brewery's future earlier this year, but a new brewer has ensured the quality of tasty malty beers, such as Old Eli and Special, are back and as good as ever. Northern Rail are introducing an hourly service from Victoria to Slaithwaite, 20 minutes’ walk from the pub, on Sundays from December 14, if you fancy an outing.

Marble Ginger The only beer I’ve tasted which tingles on the lips. A light, pale beer full of flavour, it’s ‘gingier’ than Liverpool supersub David Fairclough in a carrot-top love-in with Tori Amos. One of my all time favourites (the beer, not Tori).

Phoenix Wobbly Bob An old reliable which won the Macclesfield Beer Festival this year. A 6 per center that’s sweetish and without the chemical aftertaste of some strong beers . The Heywood brewery’s Spotland Gold was runner-up in the Greater Manchester Beer of the Year.

Pictish Alchemists Ale Winner of the Greater Manchester Beer of the Year. Hoppy, fruity and bitter. Made in Rochdale.

Robinsons Old Tom The strongest of the lot in this selection at 8.5 per cent. Runner-up at the National Winter Ales Festival in Manchester. A smoky and, some say, spicy brew just right for cold nights.

Thornbridge Jaipur IPA The brewery’s based near Bakewell, but this hoppy beer is a big hit round these parts. Winner at the Oldham Beer Festival and runner-up at Wigan’s Festival, it’s a deceptively strong 5.9 per center.

YORK BREWERY TAKEOVER
Dec 08: Mitchell's of Lancaster has bought one of my favourite breweries, York.York was looking for new investors earlier this year so let's hope it won't be one of those takeovers that ends in tears like so many Greene King ones.

Mitchell's will also buy York pubs and the name will continue. No-one will be laid off and Mitchell's hopes to open new pubs, possibly in Leeds, Ilkley and Harrogate.

MALLINSONS GETS REGULAR
Oct 08: Huddersfield brewery Mallinsons has produced its first regular beer, Stadium, and has also unveiled two new specials meaning they've now made 18 different beers since they started brewing six months ago.

I haven't managed to try them all, unfortunately, and many of them have sold out, but I've yet to have a bad one. Personally I would prefer a few more regulars than specials because if you try a really a good one it's always sad to find out you'll never drink it again.

But it'a great achievement for a new brewer to produce this number of beers in such a short time and to get them in several pubs and at festivals.Stadium (3.8%) is described as straw coloured with a clean bitter taste and dry fruity finish.Three more regulars are promised, including a mild.

The new specials are Sugarloaf and Fawkes, two light beers. The other specials have either sold out or are limited editions.Mallinsons beers can be found in Huddersfield at The Star, The Grove, The Rat, Kings Head, Green Cross, Lindley Liberal club, The Swan (Crimble) and The Crimea.Kelham Island and Fat Cat are stocking them in Sheffield and the Crown and Kettle and Smithfield in Manchester.

GREATER MANCHESTER BEER OF THE YEAR
Oct 08: I got my first chance to be a judge at a beer festival but unfortunately the winner - Pictish's Alchemist from Rochdale - was probably my least favourite.It was one of those light beers with a sharp aftertaste that I hate. My own favourite was Allgates Drawn and Quartered, from Wigan, a rich sweet porter.

But there's the rub with judging beer - however objective you're going to be it's very difficult to choose a light bitter beer from a dark sweet one if you prefer the latter.The judges were divided into two groups who tried a total of 18 beers - nine different ones in each group, with two dark ones in each. We weren't told what they were until after the judging.

The top 12 then went forward to a different judging panel, again divided into two groups, who included Manchester's council leader Richard Leese and eat-all-of-a-pig speccy chef Fergus Henderson.

Phoenix's Spotland Gold was second and Greenfield Black Five third overall.The event was part of the City Life Manchester Food and Drink Festival which also included a two-day beer festival starring Greater Manchester breweries. Punters voted Bank Top's Pavilion Pale Ale as the winner.

A BETTER CLASS OF GRAFFITI AT THE STAR
July 08: Someone was scrawling this in the Gents during the Star summer festival, in Huddersfield. You get a better class of graffiti and a better class of beer festival at The Star -Hudds Mild pub of the year.

Once again, a choice of more than 70 beers, putting many town beer festivals to shame, and some real corkers. Coach House did a special to commemorate the pub cat's imminent motherhood (Tizzi's Tiddlers) with a beer which was like drinking a Quality Street penny toffee.

Other highlights for me were Allgates Pussy Galore which was described as slightly spiced but was very smooth to me and Great Heck's Dave "dark and very enjoyable" Spot-on description. As for the grafitti, does crack refer to light through the lavvy window, Leonard Cohen's real ale period, or arses?

CAINS INTO ADMINISTRATION - NOOOOOOH!

Aug 08: Bugger! A real ale success story, Cains of Liverpool, has gone into administration.

Things have looked ominous in the past couple of weeks with the taxman threatening a winding-up order, then the banks refusing to bail them out. Cains has fantastic beers, some fantastic pubs (100 of them), 1,000 staff, and has become a Liverpool stalwart.Sudarghara Dusanj took over the running of the company with his brother Ajmail in July 2002 and did a great job but maybe they overreached themselves by buying 92 pubs from Honeycombe in May 2007.

A bank loaned 'em most of the money - shame it can't spends relatively small change to bail out a successful company that happens to be bucking the trend and doing something different (a good English lager, raisin beer)Sudarghara is talking about the company in the past tense but the adminstrators say they've already had interest.

GREAT BRITISH BEER FESTIVAL WINNERS 2008
Aug 08: The north of England took six of the 20 medals up for grabs at this year's Great British Beer Festival.

Beckstones' Black Dog Freddy (Cumbria) won the mild gold, Rudgate's Ruby Mild (York) took silver. Lees Bitter (Manchester) won silver in the bitter category, Jarrow's Rivet Catcher (Tyne & Wear) getting a joint bronze.

Timothy Taylor's Landlord (West Yorkshire) took joint bronze in the best bitter and Wentworth's Bumble Beer (South Yorkshire) won silver in the speciality beer category.There were 60 finalists in six categories, with gold, silver and bronze for each category, plus the Winter Beer Winner announced in Manchester in January.

I've just included the medals won this month.

Alton's Pride brewed by Triple fff Brewery in Hampshire has been judged the best overall by the panel of brewers, beer writers and journalists.

The overall silver went to Black Dog Freddy from Beckstones (Cumbria).

Bronze went to CAMRA's current National Winter Beer of Britain winner Station Porter from the Wickar Brewery (Gloucestershire).CAMRA's Good Beer Guide describes Alton's Pride as, “clean-tasting, golden brown beer, full-bodied for its strength with an aroma of floral hops. An initial malty flavour fades as citrus notes and hoppiness take over, leading to a hoppy, bitter finish.” Never heard of it, I'm afraid, in fact I don't think I've ever been to Hampshire!

Full results:Mild Category
Gold - Beckstones, Black Dog Freddy (Cumbria)
Silver - Rudgate, Ruby Mild (York)
Bronze - Rhymney, Dark (Merthyr Tydfil)

Bitter Category
Gold - Triple fff, Alton's Pride (Hampshire)
Silver - Lees, Bitter (Manchester)
Joint Bronze - Jarrow, Rivet Catcher (Tyne & Wear) and Surrey Hills, Ranmore Ale (Surrey)

Best Bitter Category
Gold - Skinner's, Betty Stogs (Cornwall)
Silver - Highland, Scapa Special (Orkney)Bronze - Cairngorm, Nessies Monster Mash (Highlands) and Timothy Taylor, Landlord (West Yorkshire)

Strong Bitter Category
Gold - Thornbridge, Jaipur IPA (Derbyshire)
Silver - Fuller's, ESB (London)
Bronze - Highland, Orkney Blast (Orkney)

Golden Ale Category
Gold - Otley, O1 (Mid Glamorgan)
Silver - Loddon, Ferryman's Gold (Oxfordshire)
Bronze - Skinner's, Cornish Knocker Ale (Cornwall)

Speciality Beer Category
Gold - Otley, OGarden (Mid Glamorgan)
Silver - Wentworth, Bumble Beer (South Yorkshire)
Bronze - Nethergate, Umbel Magna (Essex)

Winter Beer of Britain Winner (announced in Jan 2008)
Gold - Wickwar, Station Porter
Silver - Robinson's Old Tom (Manchester)
Bronze - Hop Back Entire Stout.

I'm surprised Lees and Landlord figure so highly, but I'm a fan of Otley and Skinner breweries, the mild one and two, and the fabulous Fuller's ESB.

SAIR IT IS ISN'T SO - NO LINFIT BUT SOME MALLINSONS

July 08: The brewer at the best pub in the world - The Sair Inn in Linthwaite - has departed so there's no Linfit beer at the moment. Hudds Camra reckons a former employee may return to help boss Ron or he could train someone up.

Aug 08: Old Eli and Special back on, hurrah! (See Best Pubs for more about The Sair).

Meanwhile Huddersfield's newest brewer is former primary school teacher Tara Mallinson, brewer of...Mallinsons, a great name for a brewer it has to be said, reminds me of a butcher's shop or an ironmonger's.

She's based in Lindley and is brewing a few specials before branching out with bottles and four regulars.

Wild Card, one of the specials, brewed in time for Wimbledon, is a nice malty brown bitter.Look out for the forthcoming El Capitan at 4.8 which is pale and lightly hoppy and bitter. Plus Cruel Summer 4.2 also pale, but with a bit more hop bite in the taste.

Mallinsons beers are on sale at The Star, Lockwood, The Grove, The Rat and Kings Head, all in Hudds, and Fat Cat and Kelham Island in Sheffield, among others. Good luck Tara!

HEY-HEY IT'S THE MONKEY CLUB

July 08: Paid my first visit to the Monkey Club, in Armitage Bridge (Huddersfield Camra's Club of the Year 2008) for Monkeyfest, a splendid beer festival.

Clouds loomed on the Saturday but the rain held off in the afternoon and it was very pleasant sitting in the open surrounded by cottages and trees.Two local beers stood out for me - Mallinsons' Lindley Loc-Ale (toffeeish) and Empire's Chapman Three Stars (a lightish brew celebrating ex-Town and Arsenal boss Herbert Chapman).

It's called the Monkey Club because a sailor used to bring his monkey in here (mmm...that well-known port of Huddersfield)

VIVIAN STANSHALL ADVERTISES RUDDLES
June 08: Hurrah! A TV advert extolling real ale - but the late great Bonzo Dog man is at his most bonkers here.

You can imagine the ad firm showing it to Ruddles execs for the first time, followed by deathly silence and the sound of gentle sobbing from the bloke who had the idea for employing Viv as he contemplates his P45.

It has Dawn French in drag, creepy flying teeth and this verse:Malcolm the Porcupine went to see
If a moon of green cheese would float
He exhaled a spray of 'will you go away'
To the land where the hoppity oats
He brewed humpty of Ruddles
Which he dumpty in puddlesAnd licked up whenever it snowed
In final conclusion, twas only illusion,Malcolm Porcupine said 'I'LL BE BLOWED'
Thanks to Richard, King of Otley for this (via YouTube of course).

Ruddles ad

And of course the good old t'inters has a rather wonderful article about the ad by Jonathan Street on the excellent vivarchive site

Ruddles ad article

Viv also did more conventional ads for creme eggs and Toshiba.
Pic: BBC

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LEEDS (BREWERY)
June 08: At last! Something from Leeds that lives up the hype - Leeds Brewery, which celebrated its first birthday on the same day as my birthday (I'm 807 in dog years).

There was a buzz about the brewery for months before it opened, because of its location in the new-look Holbeck, and because it was a new brewery in the city.It has lived up to expectations. Some breweries have concentrated on fancy signs and good distribution deals, but have forgotten that good-tasting beers are always the foundation (Hello Copper Dragon), while others produce a different beer a week with daft names which they are forgettable because there are so many.

Leeds Brewery stuck to basics - a bitter (Best), a mild (Midnight Bell) and a pale ale with a handful of seasonal beers and specials.

All are superb - the mild chocolatey, the bitter hoppy and thirst-quenching, and the pale without that chemically taste that blights so many light beers.

The company owners are two York University graduates in their mid twenties, who served their time with York Brewery, and another fella in his twenties who did a masters degree in brewing.

They opened their first pub last month - The Midnight Bell, next to the Cross Keys in Holbeck and very similar in style - exposed brick, light, comfortable with modern furnishings. Not really my sort of place but if it encourages people to try real ale for the first time it's got to be good.Happy Birthday Leeds!

TIME PLEASE!

May 08: There's only 55 beers left, the woman at the door of the Halifax Beer Festival said with a wry smile. Small, but perfectly formed (the festival, not the woman that is), Halifax is one of my favourites, thanks in part to the attractively distressed venue The Square Chapel.

I was attractively distressed after quaffing a few halfs of Elland, Beartown and other favourites on a glorious sunny day.

YORKSHIRE GREATS JOIN FORCES
Mar 08: Two of my favourite brewers - Elland and Mitchell/Eastwood - are joining forces.

The brewers describe it as a 'partnership' and an 'amalgamation' on Elland's website although there's no word if there's going to be a new name for the breweries.

Elland's head brewer David Sanders said “Teaming up with Gary Mitchell (head brewer at Mitchell and Eastwood) will not only allow us to share our brewing experience but, more importantly, it will allow Gary and I to create some exciting new brews.
”
Elland director Martin Ogley added: "Given the recent increased costs of malt, water, fuel, energy and, in particular a trebling in the price of hops due to a worldwide shortage, it makes sound commercial sense to amalgamate two award-winning breweries under one roof."

Gary, whose brewery is based next to the Barge & Barrel Public House in Elland, said “I am extremely pleased to be joining forces with David Sanders at the Elland Brewery. The more modern and larger brew plant offers me the opportunity to expand my current range of beers alongside the existing Elland Brewery beers and hopefully we will be able to offer all our existing customers an even greater choice of cask conditioned ales.”

The brewers will be combining their talents first off for Elland's 100th brew. I'm a big fan of Elland's dark strong beers in particular and I'm looking forward to their new brews. It's good to hear they'll both survive, however Elland does seem to have a history tangled up with Eastwood.

If I've got his right - Elland was formerly known as Eastwood and Sanders and is now joining forces with Mitchell and Eastwood. Legendary brewer John Eastwood used to be involved in both breweries, I believe, but it's a bit like the People's Front of Judea and the Popular Front!

ILKLEY BEER FESTIVAL
Feb 08: I'd forgotten just how posh Ilkley is. Yummy mummies with 4x4 prams, disapproving pensioners with immaculate swirls of white hair, trendy-specced baldies in rugger shirts with their over-tanned wives, and Prince Harry a-likes with their three-quarter length shorts and flip-flops.

The latter stuck out like a sore thumb at the first ever Ilkley Beer Festival at the Kings Hall. Shorts and flip-flops. In Yorkshire. In February. The word 'Twat' was never too far away when they passed myself, the lovely P and King Richard of Otley at the festival.

As I've said elsewhere, the venue often makes a festival - Square Chapel, Halifax and Victoria Hall, Saltaire - and the Kings Hall is a grand venue.

You can imagine The Good Old Days being staged here with its lovely balconies and alcoves. It instantly puts a smile on your face.You can tell there's a bit of money about the festival with its huge sponsor banner and the beer tokens - not the usual raffle tickets but beautifully designed and made of cardboard (Cardboard, fancy!).

There were also loads of volunteer staff, so many you couldn't see the beers.The beer selection was excellent with some of my absolute favourite brewers - Acorn, Anglo Dutch, Dent, Elland, Leeds, Marble, Ossett and a rare chance to drink draught Fraoch Heather Ale.

A newie for me was Stewart Edinburgh No 3 - a reminder of the glorious dark and malty McEwans 50 Shillings.

As usual at beer festivals, the lack of sparklers meant the flat beers weren't as tasty as they would be in pubs, but the beer was in good order.

A brass band came on just as the booze was kicking in - ideal woozy music for getting drunk by, although the ra-ras in the audience didn't show enough appreciation for my liking.More than 8,000 pints were sold and £15,000 raised for young people's sports facilities. The Round Table organisers are doing it again next year. I'll be there old bean!Pic: My Flickr site

OH WICKWAR PORTER!

Jan 08: A 6.1% porter is this year's Supreme Champion Winter Beer of Britain.

Wickwar Station Porter is described in CAMRA's 2008 Good Beer Guide as “A rich, smooth, dark ruby-brown ale. Starts with a roast malt; coffee, chocolate and dark fruit then develops a complex, spicy, bittersweet taste and a long roast finish.”

The Silver award went to Robinson's Old Tom and the Bronze to Hop Back Entire Stout.I haven't heard of Wickwar but my Gloucestershire snout Mr Quanters is a fan of their Bob beer.

Good to see Elland and Acorn in the Porter runners-up spots.I had a brief visit to the festival yesterday (Jan 18). Wickwar wasn't on but I had a quick slurp of Otley (a Welsh brewer), St Peter's Porter and some Pws Moose (the Welsh brewery Purple Moose, not dark Side of the Moose unfortunately).

Category winners:

Old Ales & Strong Mild Category

Gold - Purple Moose, Dark Side of the Moose (Porthmadog, Gwynedd)Silver - West Berkshire, Maggs Magnificent Mild (Thatcham, Berkshire)Bronze - Highland, Dark Munro (Birsay, Orkney)

Stouts

Gold - Hop Back, Entire Stout (Salisbury, Berkshire)Silver - Spitting Feathers Old Wavertonian (Waverton, Chester)Bronze - Spire, Sgt. Pepper Stout (Chesterfield, Derbyshire)

Porters

Gold - Wickwar, Station Porter (Wickwar, Gloucestershire)Silver - E&S Elland, 1872 Porter (Elland, West Yorkshire)Bronze - Acorn, Old Moor Porter (Barnsley, South Yorkshire)

Barley Wines

Gold - Robinson's Old Tom (Stockport, Cheshire)Silver - Durham, Benedictus (Bowburn, Co Durham)Bronze - Mighty Oak, Saxon Song (Maldon, Essex)

ALEING AND DOWNING 2: MORE 2007 REAL ALE EXCURSIONSAfter Halifax, Haworth and Huddersfield in the first half of the year, I've been a bit more adventurous in the second half - sampling ales in Sweden (pictured from Flickr site), trying Britain's strongest ale, watching goth morris dancers at a Horsforth pub, listening to filthy karaoke in Southport, filling up with Fuller's at a special promotion night, getting Christmassy in Skipton, getting grim up north in Sowerby Bridge and going on the Keighley and Worth Valley train (again) for a fantastic beer festival in Oxenhope.

Northern Europeans may have a reputation of being beer-quaffing drunks but in Sweden they are desperately trying to limit what their citizens drink by only allowing stronger beers to be sold in a limited number of places.

So in the local supermarkets it's nearly all watery 2-3% lagers, although I did see one solitary Bishop's Finger (by Shepherd's Neame, always worth a double entendre) looking forlorn on the shelves.

Imagine my delight when our hosts arranged a beer tasting session with some darker stronger bottles of ales which the Swedes drink in the run-up to Christmas. There were porters and winter ales with chocolately and stouty tastes such as Oppigards Winter Ale and Nynashamns Mysingen. Falcons Jamma had madeira (dessert wine) in it and tasted like Christmas pudding.That was in cold and wet December.

In July the weather wasn't much better at a beer and bands festival at the Abbey Inn, Horsforth. A surprisingly (for Leeds) rural pub near the rail line to Shipley. The music wasn't great (bland folk) but the beer was - mainly Old Bear, the Keighley brewery which has come on leaps and bounds since it started and has helped the inn get into the Good Beer Guide this year.It was also a chance to see goth morris dancers - not, as you'd expect, eye-linered sulkers in long coats, but blokes with ZZ Top beards and women in black frocks perambulatung in a slow and desultory fashion to some minor key accordian playing. Strangely compelling.

Talking of Old Bear, there was a chance to try their new brew and Britain's strongest beer (unofficially) - the 12.5% Duke of Bronte Full Capstan Strength. This was served in a wine glass at the Scarborough in Leeds and the first surprise was that it was a light beer. The second was it didn't have the slight chemically taste that some strong beers have. Worth a sup as was the Leeds Brewery's ales - a new kid on the block with excellent bitter and mild.

The latter is Midnight Bell which won best beer at the Huddersfield Beer Festival where I spent an exhaustinng few hours behind the bar.

A few days before that I was in Southport where I spent much of childhood. The town now relies heavily on The Guest House for the quality of its ale and as an attractive pub. I popped into some of my old haunts to see what they were like:The Falstaff looked to be geared mainly for food, had an unadventurous selection of real ales (Black Sheep etc) and was virtually empty.

The Coronation had a Greene King sign outside but no real ale inside and is now just a garish yoof joint.O'Neills has been reverted to its old name The Hoghton and was closed by 11.30 on Saturday (sigh) - the decor looked horrible and there seemed to be one ale pump.

The Masons, however, was great. Customers and staff were singing along to some Celine Dion-type ballad when I walked in. There was Unicorn and Hartley's on - I'm not a big fan of bland Robinson's brews but the Unicorn was great. I'd forgotten about the wood-panelled snug with roaring fire.

After spending most of the night at the Guesty, supping lovely Cains, it was late drinks at The Ship, a pub which has never recovered from being opened out into one big room a few years ago.There were three Sam Smith's electric beers - all off - when I was there and some lively karaoke by a leopard-skinned-trousered lady belting out Robbie Williams' Angels and replacing the lyric 'I'm loving Angels instead' with 'Im with this arsehole in bed'.

Like the Masons, most of the regulars looked like the sort of people Clint Eastwood shoots in spaghetti westerns. Good atmosphere though, like the Fox and Goose across the way - once a three-storey Berni Inn it's been a rockers pub for years. We were greeted by the lead singer of a band doing a rocky version of The Proclaimers' 500 Miles while leading a conga around the bar. The beer was slightly more drinkable than normal.

How Southport needs The Grove in Huddersfield where they had a fantastic Fuller's night. Although London Pride is common up here, it was great to try Discovery, London Porter and especially ESB again. What a good idea for breweries to 'take over' a pub for the night. The pub was packed (on a Wednesday) with sausages and pies laid on and raffles of Fuller's products.

A few miles down the road is The Riverhead in Marsden, now part of the Ossett empire, although they are still making Riverhead's beers. They've also done up the place - the bar is on the opposite side and upstairs is now a very good restaurant - wholesome food, tastefully presented. It's another triumph for Ossett - the beer has actually improved and The Riverhead needed to serve food as it attracts a lot of hungry walkers and hippy/arty inhabitants

Good beer was to be had at the Worth Valley Beer and Music Weekendin October. This is my favourite beer festival of the year, although it's not an official Camra one.Some beers are sold at Keighley, others on the train to Oxenhope and most are at the engine shed. They moved a train out to accommodate more people and they certainly needed the space - by Saturday night the beer was running out and there was still a day to go!

The trains in the shed create a great atmosphere, there was good blues music and of course the beers - which feature a description of each one on the pumps and barrels - are spot on. Highlights included Dent Aviator, Cornish Knocker Ale by Skinner's and Southport Brewery's Natterjack.

Finally a couple of December days-out. Firstly Skipton - an attractive market town that looks great at Christmas time and has some lovely looking pubs on the outside which look awful inside with no real ale.The Cross Keys, for example, is a stunning looking farmhouse cottage building which sells Whitebread Trophy, has horrible striped wallpaper and a pool table dominates the bar when you walk in. The Red Lion is equally awful.

The Narrow Boat - the town's only beer guide pub - is, not surprisingly, doing a roaring trade. Bland Copper Dragon and an absence of dark beers and milds are its only faults. Elsewhere Wetherspooon's Devonshire is a cracking conversion of country-house type hotel in the centre of town. There's enough little rooms and alcoves to get away from the usual Wetherspoon all-day quaffing hardmen at the bar. There's also the Fleece, offering a full range of Timmy Taylor's.

A few days later I was in Sowerby Bridge, which, by contrast, looks rather bleak at Christmas, with its forlorn bulbs lining the street. But it does, amazingly for a town of this size, have five real ale pubs in the guide, including two of my favourites,

The Puzzle Hall, a cosy Taylor's pub down a country lane with friendly cats and dogs, and The Works, a more modern pub on the same lane with about half a dozen real ales on.I couldn't find The Rushcart, another pub in the guide, but I did find The White Lion after a walk up a steep hill past endless back to backs in foul weather conditions - it really was grim up north. Good pint of Tetley's Mild though.

Camra's best beer of 2007

August 2007: Hobsons Mild from Hobsons Brewery in Shropshire has been judged to be the best beer in Britain by a panel of brewers, beer writers and journalists at the Great British Beer Festival. There were 50 finalists in eight categories.

The Silver award went to Mighty Oak brewery in Essex for their Maldon Gold. The Bronze was awarded to Green Jack brewery in Suffolk for Ripper.

CATEGORY WINNERS

Milds

Gold Hobsons Mild

Silver Nottingham Rock Mild

Bronze Brain's Dark

Bitters

Gold Castle Rock Harvest Pale

Silver Twickenham Crane Sundancer

Joint Bronze Surrey Hills Ranmore Ale & Fyne Piper's Gold

Best Bitters

Gold Purple Moose Glaslyn Ale

Silver George Wright Pipe Dream

Joint Bronze Fuller's London Pride & Nethergate Suffolk County & Station House Buzzin'

Strong

York Centurion's Ghost

Silver Inveralmond Lia Fail

Bronze Brain's SA Gold

Speciality Beers

Gold Nethergate Umbel Magna

Silver Little Valley Hebden Wheat

Bronze St Peter's Grapefruit

Golden Ales

Gold Mighty Oak Maldon Gold

Silver Oak Leaf Hole Hearted

Bronze Otley 01

ALEING AND DOWNING - REAL ALE EXCURSIONS 2007
June 07: Three beer festivals, two old haunts, trips to Halifax and a train which sells beer - these are a few of my favourite things.

Just like last year, the festival at the West Riding Refreshment Rooms in Dewsbury was blessed with glorious sunshine. My head looked like a boiled sweet after being sat at a table without an umbrella.As I wrote last year they've made a lovely job of the outdoor extension and this year they've added decking (that's right - decking in Dewsbury. Take that fancy dans in that there London).

The festival was entitled Beer, Bangers and Blues and the languid blues tunes were ideal for the lazying weather. The only band I saw was the Gillroyd Parade - featuring a chap I knew from a former job. Shamefully I called him the wrong name and he knew my Christian and surnames - doh!Rob (for that was he, not Guy as I thought) is a tech-y and banished all my prejudices about musical techies (they only play Apples and press about three buttons during a gig because it's all been pre-programmed) by having a lovely crooning voice to tunes such as Goodnight Irene (I think), Folding Money and that Leadbelly song that Nirvana did (How Do You Sleep at Night?).

Here's their MySpace site http://www.myspace.com/thegillroydparade . I think they're named after a street in Morley.

The festival was heaving by four on a Saturday but I did manage to try Springhead Liberty, Orkney Dark Island, Oakham Bishops' Farewell and some sausages flavoured with Tabatha the Knackered beer (mmm!).

A week before that festival I met the Southport crew for a real ale birthday excursion for my pals John and Al in and around Keighley.Starting in The Corn Dolly in Bradford at 11.30am we had a beer on the Keighley and Worth Valley train (Salamander I think) and quaffed Taylors at the Fleece in Haworth and the Boltmakers in Keighley, where regulars were amazed that people from Southport were visiting Keighley.

As for the train, it's £9 return to stand on a packed carriage for a 50-minute round trip. If it was a modern service there'd be a lot of grumbling but there's something magical about ambling through fields in a steam train with all the volunteers in their fancy uniforms.

It does seem like going in time and you half expect to see Bernard Cribbins shouting: "Oakworth, O-oakworth!"

Yet again I took a wrong turning from Haworth station in an attempt to find the rest of the village and ended up going up the wrong hill to be met by the eerie abandoned Bronte cinema. Everyone congratulated me on my brillaint sense of direction and said how much they enjoyed going up two steep cobbled hills instead of one.

We finished in Fanny's Ale House in Saltaire, a UN World Heritage site like the Taj Mahal (that's Saltaire not Fanny's, although the pub should be!).

A splendid excursion and all the trains were on time!

Earlier in May I went to the Square Chapel in Halifax for Mayfest.No matter how good the beers are, a festival depends on a good venue - Wakefield's has never been the same since they moved out of the sumptuous town hall and into an underground gymnasium.

The chapel in Halifax is a lovely building - high, ornate ceilings and pillars in the walls. Built in 1772 it was almost demolished in the 80s.

It's also a very pleasant way to spend a Saturday afternoon - Guardian, pint, comfy chair - bliss. The beer range was relatively small, but good, with plenty of familiar names - Cains Bitter, Arran Blonde - and a few I hadn't tried such as Dorset Durdle Door and Gorton Chocolate Frog.

I've been visiting Halifax regularly recently now my mate Derek's returned from his world travels. The Three Pigeons is always a port of call - a multi-room Ossett beer pub with splendid art deco trimmings - and the Pump Room nearby - new owners but beer quality just as good, and they're still one of the few pubs to favour rugby over football.

I think Derek was at the Star Inn beer festival in Lockwood, Huddersfield, at the end of March.They could put many official town beer festivals to shame with the range of beers they put on - I think here were 60 or 70 on - the highlights for me included Coach House's Caramely Mild (just like it says on the tin), Goose Eye Mild, Summer Wine (new brewery in Holmfirth, can't remember beer name), Northern's Mighty Crowded, Allendale Wolf and Falstaff's Norman Wisdom - although when I started drinking this I inadvertedly spilled beer over the head of a stern faced man with a fob watch and round glasses then started laughing in his face and shouting: 'Mr Grimsdale, Mr Grimsdale.'

Elsewhere in Hudds I've mainly been supping in The Grove and the The Rat and Ratchet. The Rat has deservedly won Hudds pub of the year - it's a handsome, lively pub with a good range of northern guests backing up excellently kept Ossett ales.

The Grove is a rather more sedate place with a greater range of beers although there's too many light, headless southern ones for my taste.

Picture of my veiny hand - the lovely P

WHAT TO DRINK ON CHRISTMAS DAYDec 2006: Here's Camra's advice for appropriate beers for various meals - although after drinking and eating all this lot, you'll be probably ready to blow like Mr Creosote ("a wafer-thin mint sir?")

BREAKFAST: Smoked salmon and scrambled eggs TRY: An English style wheat beer WHY: The beer will complement the delicate flavour of the fish, but is not too hoppy as to overwhelm it.RECOMMENDED: Meantime Wheat Grand Cru (Contact brewery for stockists) or O'Hanlon's Double Champion Wheat. (Available at Booths, Thresher and Majestic).

DINNER: For an Aperitif, try fruit beer such as Meantime Raspberry Grand Cru.(Contact brewery for stockists).STARTER: Vegetable Soup TRY: A pale bitter. WHY: The gentle perfume flavours of the beer will complement the taste of the vegetables and leave a pleasant hoppy aftertaste.RECOMMENDED: Coniston Bluebird Bitter. (Available at Asda, Booths, Co-op, Sainsbury's, Waitrose)

MAIN COURSE: Turkey TRY: Malty Ales WHY: The bittersweet malt will bring out the subtler tastes of the turkey without overpowering the flavours in the vegetables and trimmings.RECOMMENDED: Fuller's 1845 - picture from Fuller's website. (Available at Asda, Sainsbury's, Tesco, Waitrose).

VEGETARIAN: Nut Loaf TRY: A Malty Ale suitable for vegetarians WHY: The spicy, smoky flavours of the malt will complement the nuttiness of the dish.RECOMMENDED: Black Isle Organic Scotch Ale (Suitable for vegans. Contact the brewery for stockists).

DESSERT: Christmas Pudding or mince pies.TRY: A dark stout or porter WHY: The roast coffee and chocolate flavours in dark stout or porter are a perfect match with sweet desserts (including the after dinner chocolate mint).RECOMMENDED: Titanic Stout. (Available at Sainsbury's).As a digestive try a barley wine such as the 2006 Champion Winter Beer of Britain, A over T by Hog's Back Brewery.(Available at Harrods).

STAR QUALITY
July 2006: Doh! Even though the Star Inn beer festival was on my website, I forgot about it until I was in the pub on July 7.

The Star, in Lockwood, is one of Huddersfield's best pubs and doesn't just add a couple of extra beers at the bar, they erect a whacking great marquee at the back.

I thought they'd be serving 20 beers, or even 30, but they were serving SEVENTY!And they were selling parkin - ginger food of the gods!

Real ale AND parkin, did I die and go to heaven in a big white marquee? (There was also cheese - boo!)

In a Norman Wisdom-esque entrance to the big tent I dropped my glass, but fortunately I was allowed another one for free and quaffed two or three excellent dark ales.

THE WORLD SUP - IN DEWSBURY
June 2006: Can there anything be better than lazing on a Saturday afternoon - in Dewsbury?

The West Riding Refreshment Rooms, in Dewsbury train station, held its annual beer festival from June 1-4 and named it The World Sup in honour of some minor association football tournament.
Part of the car park at the side of the pub has been sectioned off, a fence erected and most of the area is covered, plus there's a little stage at the end.

It doesn't sound much but with a glorious day and 26 quaffable ales it was very relaxing, plus some spirited versions of Oasis/Small Faces songs by a couple of well-oiled fellas.The Red Lion Chardonale was beer of the festival.

PUB NEWS

2012-01-15T10:02:00.002Z

PUBS OF THE YEAR
Jan 12: I’ve been around a bit this year. Steady! I mean boozers – London, Cambridge, Brighton, as well as Manchester and west Yorkshire.

It’s only when you travel that you realise how much you’ve got at home, so top of my list are my regulars:

1 Rat & Ratchet/Grove/Sportsman/Star/King’s Head, Huddersfield
Lovely-looking pubs, great atmosphere, great beers, friendly staff and they all remain popular with customers.

But…

The Rat and Sportsman have taken the plunge and started brewing their own beers this year. On the surface this is a bold move, but I’ve sometimes wondered if their own beers are better than some of the great local beers they offered before. They are still the best pubs for beers brewed in Kirklees and Calderdale (along with the King’s Head), but I think the beer choice isn’t quite as good as before.

The Star and Grove are the tickers’ choice. Plenty of breweries and beers I haven’t heard of. Sometimes you take a punt but you’re limited by cash and time and in the end you don’t feel many of them are any better than west Yorkshire beers.

These are very minor quibbles, however, and I always enjoy my weekly visits (the King’s Head is fantastic on Sunday band day).

And it’s high time the Grove should be pub of the year. They have an astonishing choice of beers on bottle and draught.

2 Vox/Zephyr, Huddersfield
Two fantastic bars, independently-owned and great assets to the town which feel like home as soon as you walk in. Vox especially is a treat - comfy seats, great music and décor. No cask , though, and the bottled beer choice is small compared with the Grove's.

3 The Sair, Linthwaite
The Linfit beers are back

4 Jubilee Refreshment Rooms, Sowerby Bridge.
The Sheffield Tap is getting all the praise as king of the railway pubs, but it seems slightly overrated. The revamp is nice but it still looks too new for me.

The Jubilee is a cosy place, with a good choice of beers. The restoration of the waiting room is such a lovely job with nice touches such as the railways posters, windows and lights. It has kept up its standards since opening.

5 Stalybridge Buffet Bar
And talking of station pubs – this is probably the best of the lot. It’s a great winter pub with a real coal fire and the extra room has made such a difference. It means you can usually get a seat. Sad to report that some tossers on the rail ale trail have forced this pub and others to offer plastic glasses.

6 The Holly Bush, Hampstead
One of the pubs I was really looking forward to visit on my London trip and probably my favourite of the day. It’s a Grade 2 listed building with wooden panelling - something I love in pubs. I also love the cosy rooms and nooks and crannies.

7 Hand in Hand Brighton
I visited nearly all the Brighton pubs in the Good Beer Guide and this was my favourite. Distinctive outside, with bright yellow walls, and tiny inside, with framed old pictures on the ceiling, old newspaper wallpaper, a display of ties and some lovely pies. Lovely Kemptown beers (brewed at the pub) and even an Ilkley guest.

8 Kingston Arms, Cambridge
Besides wooden panelling, I love pubs in rows of houses. For the Kingston, think the Big Six in Halifax but even classier! Huge arrange of ales, excellent food served late and a lovely lit courtyard, plus a chance to play Buckaroo and other childhood games.

9 Old Hill Inn Chapel-le-Dale
Fancy a hearty meal after the Three Peaks Walk? Head here – lovely food, nice ales and a cosy atmosphere. It feels like a farmer’s front room and there’s a dog who likes his tummy tickled.

10 Sparrow Bier Cafe, Bradford
One of the pubs you instantly feel at home in, but you’re not quite sure why. It appears to be an old shop with a small bar at the end. There are paint-splattered wooden floors which look like they need a polish and small chairs that reminded me of a school dinner hall. I probably like it because of the big window at the front and lovely paint job on the walls. Nice local beers too.

11 Port Street Beer House/57 Thomas Street, Manchester
Two of Manchester’s newest pubs which I’ve grown fond of. Port Street has a fairly anonymous frontage but is Tardis-like inside on two floors with plenty of seats and tables. Friendly staff and one of the few pubs where you can get Prospect beers.

As for Thomas Street, I don’t usually like small pubs as you end up sitting cheek and jowl by some right old twats. I went off the Blue Bell in York when I accidentally sat in a moaning scrote’s place - anyone would have thought I’d sat on his face. Thomas Street has about 20 seats around a big wooden table but it never feels too cheek by jowl.

LONDON CRAWLING
Forget your Time Out guides and your Rough Guides, the best way to discover London is the Camra Good Beer Guide (and an A-Z).

The beer guide reveals some fantastic pubs, of course, but also shows why London is extraordinary – and ordinary. You could be heading down a tiny alleyway in the City or Holborn to find a beautiful pub dating back 300 years or down a dreary suburban street with a bog-standard Wetherspoon’s at the end of it.

I lived in London for three years in the mid-90s and at least one weekend a month I’d pick an area with about five or six pubs in the Guide and head off – Wandsworth and Clapham, for example, or Teddington and Twickenham.

I built up a few favourite areas and pubs over the years and as I had an unexpected day in London in September I decided to do ‘a greatest hits’ of some of my favourites.

I wanted to go to east, north west and south west and back to the centre, but I only had about seven hours as I had to get a train in King’s Cross at 8pm. And as it was a bit of a last minute trip, I had no A-Z and didn’t want to buy another as I had hundreds at home. I also had no street names for the pubs and no train times. I trusted my memory, hoped there would be frequent trains and made up the route as I went along. It almost worked. Almost.

From King’s Cross I walked to Bloomsbury. One of the things I like most about London is how it changes from mile to mile, street to street, even building to building, so as you walk from the dual carriageway rush outside King’s Cross station, you are soon in a tranquil, relatively traffic-free area of little parks and impressive houses.

The bustle soon returns around Bloomsbury when you come to a huge, white, tiered apartment block which looks as though it should be on the sea front in Spain and takes an age to get around

The Lamb was my first port of call. It had dropped out of the 2011 Guide but is featured in the new 2012 edition. This Grade 2 listed boozer looks as though it hasn’t changed in 100 years, with its lovely curved bar and furnishings and the etched glass around the bar.

But I thought the pub was looking a little tired, to be honest. Maybe it was because I was so impressed with it the first time I went in. Did it need a good polish? Was the glass pub sign a little wonky? There was certainly no proper lock in the gents (cue loud coughing).

I had a Youngs Special, a new one on me, but like all the beers I had on my excursion, I really missed the sparkler – I noticed the bitterness of the beers without it. Mind you, I’m the sort of person who has two sugars in my coffee.

I walked to Goodge Street tube and headed to Woodford, where I first lived when I moved to London. I lodged in what appeared to be a converted porch in ‘Bates Motel’ (the slightly sinister landlord looked a little like Leeds United chairman Ken Bates).

I had to get a taxi to the next pub, the Travellers Friend, in Woodford Green which I’d assumed was right by the station.

I’d also forgotten that this part of east London is frequented by tight-lipped, deadpan Arthur Haynes-types, such as the taxi driver.

When he said the one-way system was so bad it was designed by a woman, I thought he was being postmodern – playing up to the ignorant taxi driver stereotype. He wasn’t.

The Travellers was as good as I remembered it, though - frosted glass frontage, wooden panelling and a chirpy young barman having to deal with more unsmiling Arthur Haynes-like taxi drivers. (“My son’s doing the knowledge,” one said and sniffed). I had Courage here, a beer I’ve never seen in the north.

Onto Hampstead, one of favourite parts of London. It has a real villagey feel and is different from anywhere else in the city. I used to live in Clapton and visiting Hampstead was like going on holiday. The 30-minute train ride from Hackney to Hampstead epitomises how London can change so quickly and so much.

I spent a magical December afternoon on a crawl in Hampstead which ended with a brass band playing carols on a cobbled street and I also remember a lovely summer’s day in the Magdala pub where Ruth Ellis, the last women to be hanged in Britain, shot dead her abusive lover (the bullet holes are in the wall outside the pub, apparently).

I thought the train would take me to the Magdala but by chance rather than design I arrived at the right station for the Holly Bush, the pub I really wanted to visit and probably my favourite of the day. It’s another Grade 2 listed building and another with wooden panelling. I love the cosy rooms and nooks and crannies. (Pictured - a doorway opposite the pub)

Hampstead is posh, of course. A woman in a huge brown leather hat eyed me and my Co-op bag with slight alarm while a gilded youth was listening to his music in the street on a laptop (a LAPTOP I tell yee). I paid £2 for a sausage roll (a very nice sausage roll though, and huge – like a rolled-up carpet).

Richmond was my next stop and it was on the long journey down there that I realised I would be spending more time on trains than in pubs.

I’d started in Bloomsbury at 1.30pm, arrived in Woodford at 245, reached Hampstead by 415 and was in Richmond by 545. If I’d had a few more hours I’d have gone to the Rose and Crown, in Stoke Newington, the Royal Oak, Borough, and a Soho pub, the Dog and Duck maybe.

But while I was in Richmond, I feared for the first time that I might miss my 8pm Kings Cross train.

I was looking for The Watermans. I assumed it was down an alleyway opposite the station towards the river, but I couldn’t find the right alleyway or the river and ended up in a disappointing Greene King pub on the green. Time was pressing and I gave up my search.

The final stop was Belgravia. Another ‘holiday’ destination.

Like Oxford Street and the deserted streets of Mayfair or Kings Cross and the back streets around it, I enjoy the contrast between the noisy dual carriageway and the quiet streets off it.

The Nags Head was another pub which wowed me the first I went in – unspoilt, nicely furnished and with the lowest bar counter in London – but like The Lamb I felt it was looking rather ordinary. Perhaps my taste in pubs has changed. I drank Adnams, which I hardly ever drink and won’t be drinking again for a few years.

I made it back to King’s Cross with about 30 minutes to spare. I’d spent too long on trains and not enough time in pubs and while some pubs didn’t quite live up to expectations, the day reminded me that London is a great city.

GROVE'S GREAT BRITISH PUB HONOUR
Nov 11: The Grove, in Huddersfield, is featured in Great British Pubs, a new Camra book.

It's a fantastic honour as only about 200 boozers are featured. The book, by top pub writer Adrian Tierney-Jones, is divided into various categories (eg: best seaside pubs, best pub games).

The Grove is featured under best beer range, with a huge photo, and is also under the community pubs section. Surely it's time for Huddersfield Camra to honour this pub as the best in the town? It's not everyone's cup of tea but it's hugely popular and has done so much for the Huddersfield pub scene.

Good cask beer is Adrian's starting point for all his choices in his book but the varied categories give him a chance to highlight pubs that don't appear in the Good Beer Guide.

He's spot on with a lot of his choices - West Riding Refreshment Rooms, Dewsbury and Buffet Bar, Stalybridge are in the railway pubs section; North Bar, Leeds and Port Street, Manchester are under city pubs; The Ship, in Anglesey is under seaside pubs (and should be under food pubs too); Briton's Protection, Manchester and Crown Posada, Newcastle are part of the heritage boozers section (surprisingly the Adelphi in Leeds is also in this section rather than the Victoria - the Adelphi has been tarted up a little and the beer selection is inferior, but I'm being picky).

Two excellent pubs in Bishop's Castle, Shropshire, are highlighted - the Six Bells, under brewpubs and Three Tuns (brewery tap). The Marble Arch, in Manchester is also in the latter category (and perhaps it should be in both) while my favourite Glasgow boozer Babbity Bowster is in under entertainment pubs.

Great British Pubs is beautifully designed, well-written and easy to use. There are almost too many categories, some of which overlap, but this is a minor quibble that doesn't spoil a good book.

LINDLEY TO GET A DECENT BAR AT LAST?
Nov 11: One of the great mysteries about Lindley is - why isn't there a decent pub or bar?

Lindley is one of the loveliest parts of Huddersfield with some great cafes and restaurants, which specialise in well-made, locally-sourced food. But the pubs, while attractive on the outside, are uninspiring inside, with a bog-standard selection of unremarkable beers. Nearly all are owned by big pub companies and are a classic example of their characterless boozers, despite the friendly staff.

An Ossett pub could clean up here, as could the owners of Vox or The Sportsman.

But at last there is hope for lovers of decent pubs and bars. Eric's Resturant (no relation) is opening a bar next door to his restaurant (Eric's Bar) - and if it's half as good as the restaurant it will be great.

Eric's is a lovely place, beautifully done out inside while retaining original features such as the fireplaces. The food holds its own with Michelin-type places such as the Northcote near Clitheroe.

Work on the bar has started and while no completion date has been announced it will, like the restaurant's Slaithwaite bread and Bolster Moor Farm meat, be keeping local with bottles of Mallinson's, Dark Arts and, a bit further afield, Copper Dragon.

NO BANG BONFIRE NIGHT
Nov 11: My kind of Bonfire Night: No Bang Bonfire Night and a chance to rekindle Calderdale's smallest bonfire - the wood-burning stove at the Jubilee Refreshment Rooms, in Sowerby Bridge. PLUS PARKIN!

MARKET TOWN TAVERNS SOLD
Nov 11: Market Town Taverns, which runs some of my favourite pubs, has been bought by the owner of Okells Brewery.

Heron and Brearley describes itself as the Isle of Man’s largest hospitality company. Founded as a wine and spirit business in 1898, it also runs pubs and newsagents on the island and is also a drinks wholesaler, logistics firm and air conditioning specialist.

Market Town Taverns has done a fantastic job rejuvenating unpromising shops and pubs into attractive, characterful boozers with an excellent range of beer and food. Bar T’At in Ilkley is good, Veritas in Leeds has great food but Arcadia, in Headingley (pictured) is my favourite – how the firm managed to a convert a boxy little bank into such a lovely pub always amazes me.

Founded in 1999 Market Town operates 15 pubs across north and west Yorkshire. Like Ossett Brewery, it shows the big pub companies how to create great boozers. Heron and Brearley would be mad to tinker with the formula.

The Yorkshire Post says Market Towns Tavern will be run as an autonomous company and owner Ian Fozard will stay on for a year. Heron and Bailey will look to expand in the north of England.

Heron and Brearley’s retail director Steven Taylor said: "An acquisition package of this calibre is extremely rare, given the level of consolidation industry-wide in the current economic climate. Market Town Taverns is a well-run operation and the company’s business model, with its strong focus on delivering excellent customer service, complements that of Heron and Brearley.

"We shall be working with Market Town Taverns’ managing director Ian Fozard to integrate the company into the Heron and Brearley group and take the business forward into what I am confident will be a new and exciting direction."

Market Town employs around 200 staff, and turnover increased last year from £5.2m to around £6.6m.

YORKSHIRE/GREATER MANCHESTER PUBS OF THE YEAR
Sep 11: I've mentioned the size and variety of Yorkshire below, so you'll forgive me that not only haven't I heard of Camra's Yorkshire pub of the year, I've never heard of the village it's in.

The winner is the Rose & Crown, in Rawcliffe, described by Camra as:"Outstanding local village pub well known in the region, and winner of numerous local CAMRA branch awards, including six times Pub of the Year and Yorkshire runner-up. A warm welcome awaits you from the owner, locals and Bruno the dog. Book-lined walls and an open fire provide a haven on a cold winter's day, the perfect place to sample the four guest ales or Westons cider. The patio or river bank beckon in warmer weather."

The Rose and Crown beat Huddersfield's representative The Rat and Ratchet and others in the county and is one of 16 pubs around the country that will go forward to compete for the national title.

Greater Manchester's representative is The Magnet, in Stockport. Camra says: "Once a failing keg pub, the Magnet was rescued then renovated to become CAMRA Branch Pub of the Year 2011. It boasts 14 handpumps for beer and a draught cider. A large foreign bottled beer range completes the now rosy picture. It has a bustling vault to the left, leading to a lower pool room, and a series of rooms separated by arched doorways on the right. The pub is home to the Cellar Rat Brewery."

Merseyside, Cheshire & North Wales's representative is the Bridge End Inn, in Ruabon, Wrexham, while winner in West Pennines (Lancashire and Cumbria) is the Swan with Two Necks, in Pendleton.

Pubs are judged on atmosphere, decor, customer service, value for money, clientele mix, and most importantly, the quality of the real ale and cider/perry.

SEX AND THE CITY: AN OUTING IN KNARESBOROUGH
Aug 11: There are signs on the boundaries of West Lancashire (state capital Ormskirk) which feature the phrase ‘West Lancashire: It’s Got It All’. Have you really got it all West Lancashire? Have you?

Are the lost wonders of the ancient world hidden in the snug of Buck i’ th' Vine pub in Ormskirk? Have you got smiling trifles, tap dancing fridges and ferrets that do impressions of James Cagney? Have you West Lancashire?

Yorkshire – it hasn’t quite got it all, but whenever I venture out of the West Yorkshire enclave I’m struck by the sheer variety of the county. The flat land and flat pronunciation in the east (own = urn, road = rerd), the market squares, rolling hills and rabid Tories of the north, the glories of Sheffield and the hard towns around it in the south.

And Knaresborough? Knaresborough’s like fucking Shrewsbury. At least that’s what it reminded me of, with rivers dominating both towns.

Knaresborough train station looks like it’s been reopened as part of a heritage line - there’s a slightly model railway feel about it, with gates you have to open yourself to get across the line.

The station manages to partially obscure the first pub on our travels - the huge Mitre, another Markets Tavern gem of eight ales and lovely décor. It was pub of the day.

Down the steep, narrow cobbled streets, reminiscent of Robins Hood Bay, we came to the river (when I say we, I’m not Prince Harry or anything, I was travelling with Otley’s own royalty, Richard - King of Otley). Very pleasant but no pubs (the river area, not Richard who has his own gin palace).

The first pub at the top of the hill was the slightly forbidding-looking, brown brick Cross Keys, with a familiar name at the helm - Ossett. The West Yorkshire brewery has a particular style inside its boozers (wooden floors, exposed brick, smart furniture and pictures) and avoids the fake plastic cosiness of new chain pubs. Good selection of beers here too.

Shortly after leaving the Cross Keys, as I was eating a chip sandwich in the square, I was almost run over by Kristin Scott Thomas.

At least it looked like her. She was driving a vast 4x4, wearing gold-rimmed shades and from the side of her mouth a fag the size of a rolled newspaper.

And that’s the thing about North Yorkshire, you forget how moneyed it is. Harrogate is just down the road – a place so posh the graffiti’s written in Latin.

After the Kristin incident, we travelled to So bar where groups of fashionably dressed women in their 30s and 40s were consuming bottles of wine. It was very Sex and the City - until we went in and lowered the tone with our pie-crumbed clothes and sweaty demeanour.

So has three beers on but the quality of the beer is (guffaw) so-so.

The remaining pubs were a bit of a disappointment – the famous Blind Jack’s is probably more atmospheric at night but seemed like a tired Old Cock (stop sniggering at the back, the Old Cock is an Otley pub with similar layout and feel).

Blind Jack’s, pictured above, was full of character but it wasn’t a patch on Nellie’s in Beverley, a pub of similar vintage.

Marquis of Granby is a nice enough multi-room pub, but like most Sam Smiths’ outlets it’s slightly underwhelming.

BACK OF THE NET (AGAIN)!
The Sportsman, Huddersfield, has won a national Camra/English Heritage award.

After winning joint pub of the year in the town and brewing its own beer, it's been a great 12 months for the pub

I don't want to get too Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen on your ass but the owners have transformed a 1930 corner boozer, keeping its best features, such as the wall seating and curved bar, and decorated it beautifully inside and out. They also keep it tidy.

CAMRA PUBS OF THE YEAR: UPDATED

Barnsley: Market, Elsecar - never been but this is the fourth time the pub has won the award in the last five years. Local Camra branch says pub is unspoilt with a fantastic range of ales.

Bradford: Fighting Cock - a weary way out of the town centre but a wonderful pub - unspoilt, two-rooms, lovely beers.

Brighouse: Red Rooster - the only disadvantage about this characterful boozer is that it's too far from the railway station!

Heavy Woollen (Dewsbury): West Riding Refreshment Rooms - an absolute corker. Lovely decor and beers, hearty food and bluesy bands.

Huddersfield: Rat and Ratchet/Sportsman - the best two pubs in the town. See below or Best Pubs

Keighley and Craven: King's Arms, Silsden. Never been but the local branch says it's a multi-room community pub with a real fire. Theakston‘s Best Bitter and Saltaire Blonde are the regulars with plenty of local guests.

Leeds: Old Cock, Otley. Fantastic achievement in its first year. Characterful cottagey pub with a good range of beers

North Manchester: Marble, in Rochdale Road - the sloping tiled floors, the hefty meals and tables, the Ginger Marble that tingles. The pub's a gem. (See Best Pubs)

Rochdale/Oldham/Bury: The Hare and Hounds, Holcombe, Bury. Never been but it must be the only pub with its own alecam of beers on offer - 10 northern ones last time I looked

Sheffield: Kelham Island for eighth year in a row. I've said it before - good but not that good. Sheaf or Fat Cat anyone?

Stockport: Magnet. Never been but it's multi-room with 13 ales and its own brewery. Owners say: 'We try to have at least one stout, one porter, one pale ale, one mild and one red beer on at all times.' Hurrah!

Trafford and Hulme: (including Manchester City Centre south): Marble, Chorlton (see below)

Wigan: Royal Oak. An impressive building which wouldn't look out of place in a Georgian square in London. It's years since I've been here. I prefer the branch runner-up The Anvil, a buzzing place with plenty of local beers.

York: Brigantes. Again, good but not that good. The Swan, Golden Ball and York Terrier are nicer pubs and the beer is as good, if not better.

TUNNEL END INN CLOSED - NOOOOOOOOOO!
Apr 11: I'm shocked and saddened to hear that one of the loveliest country pubs in the Huddersfield area has closed.

The Tunnel End Inn, in Marsden, would have been a perfect spot in the current 'heatwave', but I suspect it's been struggling with the harsh winters over the last two years.

A note on the pub windows talks of 'the economic climate', 'more outgoings than income' and 'too many quiet times'.

A notice on the pub website says it's a temporary closure 'until further notice'.

Bev and Gary have run the pub superbly for the last nine years. The pub is slightly off the beaten track - about 10 minutes from the train station and out of Marsden village - but the couple's enthusiasm, ideas and reputation for good food and drink seemed to be the model of getting people into an out-of-the-way pub.

It's Black Sheep owned but they had guest beers on - all in good order - and simple but hearty food, varied occasionally for various theme nights. There was always a cheerful welcome.

If Bev and Gary can't make a go of the Tunnel End, I really fear for its future.

HUDDERSFIELD'S PUBS OF THE YEAR
Apr 11: For the first time since God was a lad, Huddersfield's Camra pub of the year title is shared by the Rat and Ratchet and The Sportsman.

I can't argue with these choices. Both pubs offer pleasant surroundings, friendly staff and a beer choice that's like a good wedding disco - plenty of familiar beers and breweries which hit the spot, like tunes such as Groove Is In The Heart and Common People (strained analogy alert!).

The Grove and The Star will have no doubt run them close (both are pleasant and friendly joints) but you have to take a bit of a guess with the beers and breweries at times. The pubs do have a few regular breweries but the pubs appear to be aimed at tickers and there are too many times when I've been disappointed (by the beers not the tickers).

The Rat now has Jones's fabulous pies and Yorkshire pasties (same as Cornwall's but changed for EU reasons) but the flaming jukey STILL hasn't been fixed (it must be months). The jukey is what puts the pub into the all-time great category and I hope the pub owners haven't bowed to Camra fundamentalists who hate jukeys as they drown out their loud droning voices.

The Sportsman now has hearty food all day and night. Two or three dishes expertly done.

Trafford and Hulme's pub of the year is The Marble in Chorlton

The Marble Brewery pub, which opened in 1998, set the trend for independent pubs & bars in the area, many of which are now in the GBG.

Marble Manchester Bitter, Marble Pint and Marble Ginger are always available on hand pump alongside two other beers from the Marble range (always including one of Chocolate, Porter or Stout). Two ever-changing guest ales come from some of the country's other top microbreweries such as Thornbridge, Abbeydale, Dark Star, Pictish, Phoenix and Hawkshead.

It's a nice little bar with good beer although Chorlton itself is slightly overrated (bijou village my arse).

GROVE, HUDDERSFIELD V
PORT STREET BEER HOUSE, MANCHESTER
Mar 11: So I rolled up to Manchester's trendy new beer bar, Port Street Beer House (pictured). It's on the edge of the city's ever expanding Northern Quarter, but set apart from the main part and situated among the back street clothes shops that film companies use for Victorian London or Thirties New York.

The nuts and bolts boozer, the Crown and Anchor, is next door and is easy to spot. Port Street, by contrast, is easy to miss at night. It has a rather anonymous frontage with a bouncer outside.

Inside it's smart - polished floors,nice furniture. It's slightly cramped downstairs, but there's a bigger, nicer room upstairs and a surprisingly pleasant beer garden, considering the relatively drab location.

Five handpulls on, including Thornbridge and Prospect (in good order), plus a selection of bottles from US and Europe. Not a massive selection, as it's a relatively small bar, but it is well-stocked with staff.

Port Street has been well-received and is full of trendy twenty and thirty somethings (some very fashionable beards - everyone was Will Oldhamed-up).

But it got me thinking - this is what The Grove in Huddersfield is doing, but on a much larger scale. (The Grove has 18 handpumps and 230 different types of bottled beers).

And if The Grove was in the Northern Quarter, it wouldn't just become trendy, it would be worshipped as a god.

So, sometimes, it's all about location, location, location and pubs like Port Street, a decent but slightly bland place, are over-praised, and The Grove is under-rated.

(By the way, The Grove has been giving away its wobbly chairs - one regular was seen carrying his around town - now I can't blame my wobbly arse on the furniture)

TRAIN STATION PUBS (NEW AND OLD)
Mar 11: A new train station is to open in York in late June, if planning permission is granted.

The Model Railway Society tearoom, built in 1906 and next to the hotel (I think), is to undergo a £200,000 conversion by the people who run Sheffield and London Euston's train station pubs.

It will become The York Tap and feature 20 cask ales.

MD Jamie Hawksworth told the York Press: "This place is going to be breathtaking. When people walk in and look around, they are going to say wow. And it’s been sitting here all this time."

I must admit I was slightly underwhelmed by the Sheffield conversion - apart from the bar area it doesn't have the character of the West Yorkshire and Stalybridge station pubs.

And will the York Tap be too far for inclusion in the Rail Ale Trail in West Yorks?

One pub that should definitely be on the trail (even though there's no direct route to Huddersfield) is the Jubilee Refreshment Rooms in Sowerby Bridge.

I returned there this week for the first time since it opened in 2009 and it really is a gem.

Some pubs tend to look a bit shabby after the first year of opening but the Jubilee, pictured, is still looking immaculate. The original sash windows let in plenty of light and the lovely old light fittings, like huge jellyfish, give it real character.

There's a real fire at one end and a comparatively small bar at the other. Four ales were on when I was there - all in good order (among them were Millstone, Phoenix's mild and Ilkley Mary Jane) as was the delicious slice of cake I had.

Food is now served at lunchtime and early evening as well as breakfast. There's pie and cake to keep you going in the meantime.

Get down there - it's a real gem (how about a decent station pub in Brighouse now?)

Finally, am I going mad? Has an extension been added to Fanny's Ale House in Saltaire? It looks a perfect match with the rest of the pub, but doesn't look brand new. The extension, if it is one, is behind the downstairs bar and fire. Pub lovely as ever and 'extension' will come in handy on busy Saturdays and beer festival days.

THE REVIVAL OF OTLEY?
Feb 11: One of Yorkshire's greatest real ale towns could be about to enjoy a revival.

Otley was once rumoured to have more pubs per head of population than anywhere in Britain. There were once 15 pubs in the town centre and two on the fringes, most serving real ale.

But in 2006 the rot set in. First, the town's key pub, the Bowling Green, a fabulous characterful boozer, closed. This was a huge loss in itself but it was followed by the Summercross, the Fleece, the Red Lion, the Three Horseshoes, the Woolpack and the Black Horse.

Two or three years ago, the Junction stood alone as the last remaining must-visit pub in town, with its wide selection of real ales and real fire. The Manor House and Bay Horse were also worth a visit, the latter for its Tetley Mild.

But it was a shocking decline and one that received more national attention than usual thanks to the political champion of real ale and real pubs Greg Mulholland, MP, whose patch covers the area.

He campaigned against the sale of pubs which were vital community hubs and rental rises in existing boozers.

Otley also suffered from the relaxation of licensing laws. It had been one of the few places in the country allowed to open all day because of its markets.

Now things are looking up.

As reported below, the Bowling Green has been taken over by Wetherspoon and although it has that feeling of most Wetherspoon's in old buildings - like an impression of ye olde pub - they've done a decent job.

Opposite the Bowling Green is a new real ale pub, the Old Cock (see review below).

And now the WharfeBank Brewery are to transform Otley’s oldest pub, The Fleece, working in partnership with Punch Taverns in a £400,000 makeover.

Market Taverns, one of the best independent pub companies, are to reopen The Three Horseshoes in the spring.

And the Black Horse, one of the most prominent pubs in town, is to reopen in March.

The Red Lion has since reopened although it has a much tamer beer selection than a few years ago

My Otley snout King Richard of Otley, who has helped a lot with this article, sounds a note of caution about this news.

He said: "I'm not convinced the Fleece will work, too far out of town, and even the Three Horseshoes is on the fringe. You have to bear in mind most people in Otley just want to get pissed, shag and fight. And with the Tories screwing us over money in what is essentially a working class town is going to be tight.

"Most pubs are already dead during the week; about a month ago I walked past the Red Lion at about 10.30 and the landlord was closing for the evening."

To read more of Richard's thoughts, see his ace website

He also supplied the pic above

PUBS, PUBS, PUBS!
Dec 10: There are so many good pubs opening or being spruced up at the moment, it's hard to keep up - so I'm overdue reviews of a new one in Otley (The Old Cock), a revamped old favourite in the town (The Bowling Green), Ossett's Wakey pub The Hop, The Bull and Fairhouse (formerly O'Donoghue's), also of Wakey, and the magnificent Castle Hotel in Manchester.

First, Finbarr Saunders's dream pub The Old Cock, pictured (I've been meaning to LOOK UP The Old Cock, it's HARD to find, fnarr-fnarr!). This is a great boozer with superb attention to detail. The pub is two old cottages which were recently restaurants. The cottage-y feel has been retained with stone floors, low ceilings, beams, and a real fire.

There are two downstairs rooms and an upstairs room with a relatively small bar downstairs packed with eight beers and three ciders (plenty of local beers). Attention to details? The descriptions of beers above the bar and the top-notch pies and butties - so there's no reason to leave the pub and look for food. Staff are welcoming and friendly.

The pub is next door to Brian Pickles Lawnmowers (they're very tasty) and just across the road from the X84 bus stop to and from Leeds. Well worth a visit.

It's a brave move to open around the same time as the mighty Wetherspoon's which is just opposite in the Bowling Green, but according to my old snout Richard the King of Otley, the Bowling Green is attracting a different market - those who like their booze cheap above all.

The Bowling Green hasn't been changed outside, with its yellow stonework in good order. But inside it's completely different. Gone are the famous stuffed animals and other artefacts to be replaced by a rather fusty fake country house feel of panelling and pictures. The pub has been extended, so the bar is in an old outhouse behind the original pub and between the two buildings there is another room with a glass ceiling.

It was packed when I went in on the Saturday afternoon before Christmas but lacked the old charm of the Bowling Green.

Onto Wakey. O'Donoghue's was always a decent boozer with good beer and bands. It's gone up a notch in quality since Great Heck brewery took it over. The layout is the same with a stage by the door, a bar to the right as you walk in and rooms further in. But it's been nicely painted and furnished with comfy seats and rough-hewn tables. The beer is in good order (several Great Hecks and a couple from Beer Co when I was there) and the staff are friendly and attentive.

Nice little circuit now with this pub, Boon's, Harry's and the Hop are all within about five minutes from the station, avoiding the stag do central of the centre (one old boozer is now called Bing Bada Boom, exterior preserved, inside like a rollerdisco).

The Hop, like its Leeds counterpart, is music-orientated, brick-heavy and slightly stark without bands. Beer's decent, of course, being an Ossett pub

Onto the Castle in Manchester.

This reopened in April 2009 and at first nothing much changed. The front room with bar looked pleasingly cosy, as always, and the two rooms behind were unchanged. I thought they'd been too cautious and were trying not to trendify a characterful pub.

Just look at it now! The layout is unchanged but the owners have uncovered some beautiful features - the ornate ceilings, the wooden floors and fittings, especially in the band room which looks like an old-fashioned music hall. No wonder they can't change much - it's a Grade 2 listed, 200 years old building and the new owners were fans of the old boozer anyway.

They've done a beautiful job - nice beer, decent jukey and packed when I was in there one midweek night in December. The clientele has change from 40-50 somethings and teen emos in the back to trendy 20-30 somethings. The barman looks like something out of Quality Street with his mustard-coloured waistcoat and twirly moustache - but he's good. Robinson's beers - at least six.

The Castle has also started doing hearty food which sounds so tempting on Twitter - beef and mushroom casserole, for example. I had a beef and dumpling casserole - really tasty gravy (wine in I think), quality meat and a slightly small dumpling. Just what I needed on a cold day and head and shoulders above the usual pub food.

Finally, a hurrah for Huddersfield's great pubs. I spent a Saturday afternoon in December showing a couple of Manchester pals around. The Kings Head, Rat, Grove and Sportsman were all packed and the beers were in great order. The Star, too, was in great form when I went there a week later.

VERITAS, LEEDS
Nov 10: Yet again a small company shows the big boys how to do up a pub and attract customers.

Market Town Taverns have taken the old Waterhole (itself a former Hogshead), opposite the hospital in Leeds city centre, into a really lovely pub - light, airy, good ales, simple but well-made food, friendly staff and a first for a pub I've been in - a cheese stall!

I first became aware of Market Town Taverns' skill with The Narrow Boat, Skipton's best pub, and especially Arcadia, in Headingley - a boxy Lloyds Bank at the end of a tired looking shopping arcade which was transformed into a cosy attractive pub with an excellent choice of ales.

It's not such a silk-ear-out-of-a-sow's-purse job in Veritas, in Great George Street. It's a corner pub with plenty of windows, so it was always a pleasant enough place as a Hogshead but rather bland and not a pub you'd particularly go out of your way to visit, especially with the Victoria nearby.

The layout hasn't changed inside but with its cream and blue decor, light wood floors and furniture and attractive lights, it's a real treat now. Eight handpumps, seven ales when I was in - only one dark one but the excellent Mary Jane from Ilkley and Moorhouse's Blonde Witch were in good order.

Food is served all day and night with various menus covering toast in the morning, pies,steaks and other pub favourites in the evening and cheese and/or cold meats up to closing time. I had the gammon and the lovely Mrs O the lamb pie which were both superior to usual pub food with a real mint kick in the pie that judging by the colour of the meat was homemade and a cut above the usual.

Plenty of customers in the afternoon and evening, with the food looking to be a hit at night with many.

I'm sure Veritas has something to do with truth in Latin.

I love this pub, truly.

CAMRA PUBS OF THE YEAR - REGIONAL WINNERS
Sept 10: And the regional winners are:
Greater Manchester: Knott Bar, Manchester.
Merseyside / Cheshire / North Wales: Brewery Tap, Chester
North West: Taps, Lytham St Annes
Yorkshire: Ferryboat,Thorganby
These and 12 other regional winners will be up for pub of the year. Announcement next year.

Pubs are chosen on customer service, decor, clientele mix, value for money, atmosphere and quality of the beer and cider.

CAMRA PUBS OF THE YEAR 2010
Jun 10: It's that time of the year when Campaign for Real Ale branches vote for their pubs of the year. Here are some local favourites.

BRADFORD: Fanny's Ale House, Saltaire - a wonderful pub, especially in the winter with the real fires blazing away in the dark at the back. With its wooden floors and real gaslights, you'd think Fanny's had been here for centuries but it was only converted from a pet shop in 1997. Cracking array of 10 ales, many local, from the small, usually busy, bar. John Peel's wife was born upstairs.

HALIFAX AND CALDERDALE: The Old Ship, Brighouse. Haven't been here for a couple of years but it's got a good reputation for being a smart, well-run pub. Seven real ales on.

HEAVY WOOLLEN (DEWSBURY ETC): New Charnwood, Heckmondwike. Never been. Local Camra branch say it's an impressive building which used to concentrate on food only but now has four handpulls as well as quality food.

HIGH PEAK: Buffet Bar, Stalybridge Station. The best of the train station boozers with its narrow corridor, atmospheric rooms and real fire. Good selection of local ales.

HUDDERSFIELD: The Rat and Ratchet (pictured). The best in town. Cosy pub, great selection of ales and good jukey. See reviews elsewhere.

KEIGHLEY: The Maypole, Long Preston. Came here for a pre-Christmas snifter a couple of years ago and very nice it was too, with its real fire, hearty food and oak benches. Moorhouses, Theakstons and two guests on. Run by the same couple for the last 26 years.

LEEDS: To Follow

LIVERPOOL: Dispensary. Not sure if it's still owned by Cains but this is a great example of a pub that's been spruced up without being spoiled. Ship and Mitre and Fly in the Loaf were runners-up

NORTH MANCHESTER (including Salford): The Angel, Manchester. I've always liked this place in its various incarnations. After being run as a gastropub, it's now concentrating on beer again with six on handpump and a few unfamiliar ones when I was there this month. The nearby Marble Arch and Bar Fringe were contenders this year as were Salford's New Oxford and Crescent.

SHEFFIELD: Kelham Island Tavern wins for the seventh time in a row. It's the Yorkshire and national champ too (Yorkshire winner is selected in September, national next year). It's a good pub but not a great one and there are better boozers in the city (Sheaf, Rising Sun).
Top 20, as voted for by Sheffield members (last year's positions in brackets):

1. Kelham Island Tavern, Kelham Island (1)

2. Fat Cat, Kelham Island (2)

3. Harlequin, Bridgehouses (8)

4. Sheaf View, Heeley (5)

5. New Barrack Tavern, Hillsborough (3)

6. Hillsborough Hotel, Upperthorpe (10)

7. Rising Sun, Nether Green (7)

8. Bath Hotel, Sheffield City Centre (4)

9. University Arms, Sheffield City Centre (9)

10. Devonshire Cat, Sheffield City Centre (6)

11. Wellington, Shalesmoor (11)

12. Coach & Horses, Dronfield (14) (District POTY)

13. Commercial, Chapeltown (12)

14. Ranmoor Inn, Ranmoor (13)

15. Rawson Spring, Hillsborough (-)

16. White Lion, Heeley (-)

17. Plough Inn, Low Bradfield (16=)

18. Angler’s Rest, Millers Dale (20)

19. Nag’s Head, Loxley (-)

20. Cobden View, Crookes (18=)

SOUTHPORT: To Follow

TRAFFORD AND HULME (including part of the city centre): The Knott, Manchester, retains its branch title. Under the arches of Deansgate station, this is a very pleasant pub with Marble beers and lovely food. The Old Market Tavern in Altrincham and Electrik in Chorlton were joint second.

WIGAN: Masons Arms, Billinge. Never been.

YORK: The Ferry Boat Inn, Thorganby. Shamefully I don't know where Thorganby is. Licensee Olive has been there for SIXTY years. Four beers on, many local. Here's what York Camra say about the pub: "The original bar is small and cosy with a real fire and convivial ambience – it’s virtually impossible to avoid being drawn into conversation. A sunny, spacious extension was added some years ago. It opens straight out on to large lawns sloping down to the river Derwent."

Never mind real ales it's another real fire pub!

IT WAS JUST A STAGE THEY WERE GOING THROUGH!
Aug 10: Was it three years ago that the West Riding Refreshment Rooms, in Dewsbury, were having problems getting permission for their stage? Well it's all done and dusted now and very nice it looks too - like an extension to the old station itself. Not surprisingly they are calling it Platform 3.

To celebrate its proper opening they are having a musical knees up from August 13- 15, with plenty of good local bands and, of course, good local beers.

Itinerary:
Friday 13 August
4 pm - Adrian Ingram's Jazz Dawgs: Back by popular demand, Adrian is internationally renowned and ‘one of jazz’s most gifted guitar players’ “These guys play a mixture of West Coast Swing, Cheesy tunes and good time music. Surprisingly good too!”

8.30pm – Mad Jack and the Hatters: New 3-piece rockabilly band heavily influenced by 20’s – 60’s American stuff

Saturday 14 August
4pm – TBC (a well-known act who often make an appearance at these sorts of dos)
8.30pm – Chris Martin: Hot from the Crown of Lights festival and Dewsbury Beer Festival, acoustic tunes and tall tales from the Man-in-the-hat (so not the Coldplay one then)

Sunday 15 August
3pm – Fat Stanley: 9-piece Funk/Soul/Rhythm & Blues outfit

HUDDERSFIELD FOOD AND DRINK FESTIVAL'S REAL ALE PUB TRAIL
Jul 10: Taking part are The Star, The Rat, The Head of Steam, The Vulcan, The Kings Head, The Sportsman, The County, The Grove.

Pick up a trail flyer, visit all eight pubs, buy a pint or a half of real ale and receive a stamp on your flyer. Return your completed flyer to the Huddersfield Food and Drink Festival information marquee between 12-15 August and receive a free festival glass.

The festival itself is in St George's Square from August 12-15, The Sportsman, The Star and Jones's Pies will be among those putting up stalls.

LEEDS' NEWEST PUB
Apr 10: The Ossett Brewery empire has opened its first Leeds outpost - The Hop, in railway arches roughly underneath Platform 16-17 at Leeds station.

I must admit I thought this area of Leeds - Granary Wharf - was dying on its arse, with only a Japanese restaurant remaining. But a new hotel and apartments have gone up nearby and there's a nice view of the canal from upstairs at The Hop.

The pub occupies a two-storey site that was previously a bog-standard nightclub. I went in the afternoon, but I think it's really a night-time place. It's fairly dark inside and needs to be full of people, but it's been done out really nicely with murals of rock stars in a Gorillaz style and some fantastic wallpaper, pictured, featuring thousands of LP covers.

The decor and the amps stacked up upstairs are an indication that is a music pub, Ossett's second following on from the success of The Hop in Wakey.

Ten beers on - six Ossett and four guests when I was there. The two I tried were in decent order. Shame there didn't seem to be any indication of what music was coming up.

You could have a decent crawl in that area of town now with the Midnight Bell, Cross Keys and mighty Grove nearby, but while I will always visit The Grove when I'm in that neck of the woods, I've never really liked the dark and dingy Granary Wharf and the stinking river, so I'm not sure I'd go out of my way to The Hop.

HUDDERSFIELD PUB OF THE YEAR 2010 - THE RAT AND RATCHET
Apr 10: Talking of Ossett pubs, I've bored you to death extolling the virtues of The Rat. They've won Camra pub of the year again - and as I've just returned from there, alcoholically challenged, here's the Rat rap:

Homely, cosy
Staff are friendly
Beery cheery
Ossett Brewery
Guests a-plenty
Salamander
Groovy jukey
Ian Dury
Watch the rugby
On the telly
Go to quiz night
Win the raffle

(I bet Jay-Z has never used raffle in any of his raps. Don't worry I'll be deleting this when I read this in horror in the morning).

One question though - why hasn't The Grove been acknowledged for its work since it reopened? It's just as popular as The Rat, just as homely and has a greater selection beers. Like the Star, it's a pub that's been transformed by its independent owners, yet the Rat and Star are the only pubs who seem to get a look in for pub of the year. I hope there's no Camra politicking going on.

TO ELLAND BACK (AND OTHER PUB ADVENTURES)
March 10: I'm going to have to stand in the corner in real ale class when I admit I'd never been to the Barge and Barrel, in Elland, until this year.

But I've now been twice in a couple of months. It's a grand old place with fancy ceilings, plenty of nooks and crannies and a good selection of ales, with Elland beers among the stars.

I haven't been because, for me, it's a bugger to get to on public transport. I actually have to walk more than 30 minutes!

It's a far old walk to The Sair in Linthwaite but it's always a treat, and now Linfit beers have returned, after several months absence. They're as good as ever with Eli, Special and Leadboiler all present and correct.

I'd been to The Sair when Linfit beers weren't on and the pub was just as lively with local guest ales available. It's a special place (see Best Pubs), but the Linfit beers make it extra special.

On the same day I went to the Commercial, in Slaithwaite for the first time in months. Excellent Empire Moonraker Mild, friendly staff and very nice inside.

FANTASTIC DOCUMENTARY ON PUBS
Feb 10: Did anyone else hear the fantastic Radio 4 documentary about the celebration of the pub landlord and landlady?

Tetley Dave, from the Shoulder of Mutton in Castleford, and Barbara, from the Grapes in Limehouse, London were the stars - explaining about the importance of good quality real ale in unspoilt pubs, the malign influence of pub companies and the effects of supermarkets and the smoking ban.

It was fascinating to hear how two apparently different people had virtually the same opinion of how a good pub should be run.

And in the light of the debate about the future of pubs and BBC stations such as Radio 6, it was depressing to hear how the 'free market' homogenises everything into a few narrow choices.

Last Orders is on iPlayer until March 5, 11.30am

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00qx1m5/Last_Orders_Episode_2/

I DON'T BELIEVE IT - KELHAM'S WON AGAIN!
Feb 10: It's not the best pub in Sheffield, never mind Yorkshire, but the Kelham Island Tavern has been voted Camra's NATIONAL pub of the year for the second year running - a first for the competition.

I've said it before, it's a good pub, don't get me wrong - nicely done out, friendly atmosphere, 10 handpumps with a mild and porter/stout always on, but if the pubs are being judged on the Camra criteria of 'quality of the beer, atmosphere, décor, customer service, and all-round value of the pub visit', isn't Sheffield pub the Sheaf better - or even the Fat Cat down the road?

It's great that Camra highlights good pubs, but it's only useful up to the regional stage (16 pubs?) after that it comes down to personal preference - atmosphere and decor are subjective. So fair enough, Kelham wins it once, but it's ridiculous that out of the thousands of pubs in contention it should win twice - that's just the personal preference of a small number of Camra members, rather like the winner at the Great British Beer Festival

Anyway, well done Kelham - but next year Camra, give someone else a go, in Yorkshire at least.

On a brighter note two of my favourite pubs in Huddersfield have been given awards from the town's Camra branch.

The Rat and Ratchet gets a gong for being in the Good Beer Guide for 20 consecutive years and The Sportsman, pictured, will be making its debut in next year's guide. It's also won pub of the season. Pub of the year decision is next month I think.

Meanwhile the lovely Slubbers has become only the fifth pub in the area to be awarded the Beautiful Beer Gold Award from Cask Marque, joining The Black Bull in Lindley, the Fenay Bridge, the Huntsman in Holmfirth and the Old Mill in Brighouse.

YAWN! KELHAM ISLAND'S BEST YORKSHIRE PUB - AGAIN
Oct 09: For the third year running, Kelham Island has been voted Yorkshire pub of the year.

Come on! It's an above average pub with good beer but there are better pubs in Yorkshire (and Sheffield) that deserve a turn.

How about York's pub of the year The Swan, Huddersfield's representative The Star, or Dewsbury's finest The Leggers? The Fat Cat and Sheaf View are better Sheffield pubs anyway.

Kelham Island is also reigning national champ and national champs rarely retain their crowns, so why not give someone else a go?

It will be up against 15 other regional winners, including Greater Manchester's representative The Crown, in Worthington, near Wigan; Merseyside/Cheshire and North Wales' champ the Golden Lion, in Llangynhafal, between Denbigh and Ruthin; and West Pennines' standard bearer The Taps in Lytham.

Shortlist of four in February, winner usually announced in March.

See list of Camra branch winners below

Pic: from Kelham Island's website

RATFEST TRIUMPH
Sep 09: I spent two splendid hours necking lovely halves at the Rat and Ratchet beer and cider festival in Huddersfield.

It was a scorcher so naturally I sat in the darkest part of the pub, owing to my ginger sweaty nature. I was in the mood for some light ales and the Rat didn't disappoint with some nice ones from some of my favourite breweries.

From Allgates - California, while Salamander had Boatrace, St Austell Proper Job and this from Bateman's (Sam the landlord is in the background).

But my favourite was a dark one - Saltaire's Triple Chocoholic. They do 'flavour beers' so well - it was like drinking Bourneville.

COME ON THE PORT! BACK TO MY HOME TOWN
Sept 09: I had an hour to kill in my old home town, Southport. I’ve never lived there, apart from a year or so in nearby Birkdale. I’m from a village nearby which was always too rednecky for me so I ended up drinking in Southport - itself a rather strait-laced place. I once saw an old git beat an alarmed teen with his stick on a bus for failing to offer his seat to a lady.

But Southport is where I drank in my teens and twenties and it’s where some of my oldest friends still live. So I decided to go on a whistlestop tour before I met some pals in The Guest House.

This has been our regular for years, before that it was The Windmill and before that The Barons. Other regulars were The Berkeley, The Falstaff, Coronation, Wellington, Cheshire Lines, Oast House, the Fox and Goose and even the Foghorn (or Star Wars bar because of its strange looking customers).

The Falstaff had five pumps, but it looked like there were no ales on as all the clips were turned. I walked straight out. It’s getting good notices in the local ale mag but it’s been years since I had a good night there, and that was when the bloke from The Heatons Bridge in Scarisbrick ran it.

The Barons was packed at 5.30pm and probably has the most adventurous range of beers in town, as well as old dependables like Moorhouses and Sandgrounder.

The bar, part of the Scarisbrick Hotel, is done out like a room in a country house with wooden panelling and a stuffed deer’s head. It’s remained relatively unchanged for 20 years at least and was all the rage when I was in my late teens and early twenties.

It seems more suited to the fifty and sixty somethings who use it now. One of them was threatening to start a fight over some slight at the bar. His marshmallow nose was quivering and he had to be calmed down by a sparrow-like woman in a long dress.

A quick recce round the Ship and Anchor off Neville Street. A pub that has never recovered from being opened up yonks ago. It looks relatively pleasant inside but I didn’t spot any real ales.

Onto the Oast House , where I spent a memorable New Year’s Eve singing along to the jukey dressed as a Reservoir Dog as part of a snakes and ladders drinking game (board full of pubs, shake a dice to see where you go, 30 mins in each boozer, with drinking forfeits elsewhere on the board). It was friendly as ever. The ale was not great, but then it was always a place for a contintental lager and even schnapps.

The Victoria has never lived up to its potential – a nice-looking building, sympathetically done out and opposite The Floral theatre and a huge new hotel with no other pubs on the same road. It should be cleaning up, but it never does. Thwaites Smooth on here.

I had a flashback to O’Toole’s the late drinking joint tailored for over-25s which used to be a couple of doors down, until it degenerated into a teen thug battleground and became O'Foole's to me and my pals.

Mulligans, the latest late drinking joint for the more mature, undiscerning clientiele, has also closed.

Onto The Windmill and Steve the landlord is still there - at least his name is on the door. He must be one of the long-serving landlords in town (15 plus years?) although he’s quite a difficult man to know, even if you go in twice a week for years and years, as I used to do.

On one New Year’s Eve he came over to my pal, the mild sponge Kev, and spoke to him for about the first time that year. He said Kev had helped pay for his safari holiday in Africa. Mmm, nice customer service!

The Theakston’s was in good order here and the barman who had his long hair cut years ago is still there.

And finally The Guest House – the beer choice may be a little too mainstream and the rooms are too hot but this is a lovely pub, with a friendly atmosphere and the beer is always in good order (see Olthwaite Golden Shovel Best Pubs)

I peered in at The Masons and revamped Hoghton and wished I could have gone in the former which is a lively place with nice Robbie’s, but I had a train to catch.

Overall I felt slightly depressed by the choice of pubs now – the Berkeley seems a big loss even though it was a bog standard hotel bar. I’ve heard The Lakeside is on good form, especially with its new outdoor bit, and I’ve no doubt the Tetleys in the Cheshire Lines is still good, but The Guesty is the only pub I wanted to stay in for more than a couple of drinks.

REAL ALE PUB BECOMES SWINGERS BAR!
Aug 09: If you go down to Moldgreen today you're in for a big surprise, the Green Cross real ale pub has turned into a swingers' bar.

Let's hope no real ale drinkers are tempted to indulge - the thought of wobbly-arsed blokes throwing their tankards in a bowl for a chance of a jiggy with Miss Maris Otter-Hops is too much to bear!

It reminds me of this episode from the Real Ale Twats in Viz.

The owners of the new club have blacked out the windows, and according to the Huddersfield Examiner, have a plush bar, dancefloor and bedrooms. They are also planning to install a sauna. There's a big demand for such clubs among consenting adults of all professions, the owners say.

Local councillor Rochelle Parchment isn't happy as she feels the club is in the wrong location, but as it's a private members (ahem) club, the council can't do anything.

It just shows how important a landlord is - former Green Cross landlord boss Andy was attracting Camra awards for this pub and it was a tidy little place. But when he moved on to the Bay Horse, in York, earlier this year, the Green Cross appears to have declined.

(PS A correspondent has pointed out that it should be Maris Otter not Maris Piper hops. The latter are potatoes. Doh!)

BRANWELL BRONTE WOULD LOVE THIS
Jul 09: The newest 'rail ale' railway station pub has opened at last in Sowerby Bridge.

The Jubilee Refreshment Rooms is in the old ticket office next to the station where Branwell Bronte, the Ringo Starr of the Brontes, was sacked for drunkenness. He'd surely love this new pub.

It's light and airy thanks to the high ceilings and copies of the original sash windows, but it also has some marvellous old-fashioned lights that look like upside-down jelly fish, and a clock which was a famous feature of a Halifax jewellers.

Six real ales are on, many from Yorkshire, including Leeds Brewery, Eastwood and Salamander, and they were all in good order.

The conversion of the ticket office to the Jubilee, named after a steam loco, has been a labour of love for owners and brothers Andrew and Chris Wright. It's taken them 12 years to open as they had to deal with various rail companies and health and safety issues.

Conversion work started in October 2008 and the brothers first had to remove a quarter of a ton of asbestos before taking down the internal walls, ceilings, windows and floors.

They serve breakfasts from 7-9.30am then sandwiches and cakes all day and later beer.

It's a lovely place and a worthy addition to the Stalybridge-Huddersfield-Dewsbury 'rail ale' pub scene.

It's slightly awkward to get to from Huddersfield. There are direct trains from Dewsbury and Brighouse to Sowerby Bridge but these don't stop at Huddersfield. The alternative is to get the train from Wakey that stops at Hudds and change at Halifax. It's a longer wait than stopping at Brighouse but at least you have the Three Pigeons and Pump Room near Halifax station. The pub near Brighouse station didn't have any real ale on when I was there.

I should also mention another new real ale pub that's worth a visit - the Commercial in Slaithwaite. This was always a bit of a grim place, but while the exterior is virtually the same, the interior has been transformed - nice, bright paint-job and paintings on the walls, eight real ales, many locals (the ales not the Slou-westers if that's what you call 'em).

OTLEY - DEVASTATION OF A REAL ALE TOWN
July 09: I was shocked to read in the Bradford Camra mag that three more Otley pubs have shut - the Black Horse, Woolpack and Spite - following the closures of the Bowling Green, Summercross and Fleece. Five years ago, Otley had 20-odd pubs or clubs and most, if not all, served real ale. What's happened? My pal, and Otley resident, Richard Hamer reveals all:

Once upon a time there’s a little old town in the west (Yorkshire, that is) by the name of Otley. Not only was it the birthplace of Thomas Chippendale, Mike Tindall and the Wharfedale Printing Machine (which revolutionised the printing industry), but it was said to have more pubs per head of population than anywhere else in England. Of course, that all depended on who you believed, especially as there doesn’t seem to be a Guinness World Record on it.

One thing that is certain, even now, is that Otley does have a lot of pubs for its size. And if we go back to summer 2006, there were 15 pubs within the town centre, (two on the fringes) as well as four bars, a working men’s clubs, the Labour Club, RAOB Club, the Conservative Club and the Catholic Club. Phew, I bet you’re thirsty after taking all that in?

Then it all started to change but before that, here’s a little story.

Prior to the advent of all day drinking (not 24-hour drinking) in 1988, when pubs shut between 3pm and 7pm, Otley was allowed to stay open on Fridays because of the cattle market and street market – and my guess is that this is because pubs were traditionally used as ad hoc offices to carry out a bit of business.

Being allowed to open all day was good news for students at the University of Leeds who had long been jumping on the bus from Leeds to Otley – which passed by the uni – to take part in something that felt forbidden, but was perfectly legal. Hence, Otley used to have a soft spot with students and is, no doubt, one reason why so many graduates have settled in the town.

Anyway back to main thread. Since the middle of 2006, several of the town’s pubs have closed and not as a result of lack of business. The RAOB has merged with the Labour Club temporarily while a new one is built, but most are due to pub companies squeezing the landlords out and property developers.

The “world’s greatest pub”, the Bowling Green, shut its doors in September 2006 after the landlord, Trevor, sold it when he retired. No one can begrudge his pension plan, and originally it was to be converted to flats, but then came the news that JD Wetherspoon had bought it.

Since then it’s stood empty, surrounded by an ugly wire fence, and the latest is that it will reopen again early next year. However, it will look nothing like the original which is a good thing because the Bowling Green was unique and it’s far better to treasure the memories and this on YouTube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LukVPxvE_7g

Around a year later the Summercross closed. Situated to the east of the town centre, it had had a chequered recent history after becoming a gastropub in 2000. This failed and fell into the hands of Punch, who sold it to a property company who sold it a local house builder in late 2007 (all under the nose of the landlord who had only been there 12 months and had turned its fortunes around).

And what had the landlord done to revive it? Well, because it wasn’t tied he’d started selling real ale, which rotated often and he couldn’t sell enough of it. And what’s more the idiots that help bring pubs down (we all know who they are), don’t drink things with real flavour so they stayed away which meant those that appreciate beer and conviviality flocked there.

He also had a great open mic night every Friday which even saw professional musicians turning up for a real good knees-up, plus live folk/blues bands on Saturdays. And the food was pretty good too. Mixed grill, anyone?

Then he was given just two months notice to leave. Just as well he’d not sold his house. But it came at a time when he was hosting Otley Folk Festival gigs, and was planning more for the following year, and getting involved in the town’s walking festival.

A campaign was mounted to save it but the house builder wouldn’t budge, even when a North East pub co said they were interested in buying it. Although planning was refused for the houses, the company had ties with a care home business and that’s what it’s to be after Leeds City Council said an imposing building in a residential area would be an asset.

In the past 12 months the Red Lion closed for a while after Enterprise upped the rent so the landlord couldn’t make a living (again, a good real ale pub), and that now has a temporary manager and is back to selling John Smiths.

Then the Three Horseshoes closed after the landlord died which, according to his widow, was as a result of the pubco upping the rent. That’s currently open, but the Black Horse has now closed – again the landlord couldn’t make a living.

The Woolpack recently closed down and Enterprise is auctioning it off to anyone, and the rumours are that it could become a curry house, a solicitor’s office or a house.

The Red Lion and the Three Horseshoes are also currently on the market, and Enterprise has even leafleted houses is the town to see if anyone is stupid enough to take them on.

The Fleece, which is to the west of the town centre, is another pub that closed down several months ago after the landlord was declared bankrupt and that too remains shut, again owned by Enterprise.

But to make matters worse, the town’s only dedicated real ale shop closed a few months ago as a result of the banks refusing credit to the owner.

However, there is a bit of good news. A real ale bar is supposed to be opening in a former cafe, although the owner has had problems with the licence due to various residents putting their collective oar in claiming that it will lead to anti-social behaviour.

The proposed bar is next door to the Rose & Crown which is open until 1am at the weekend, and is a known trouble spot – and that’s not libellous. Some folk just don’t get it that real ale drinkers don’t punch people because they looked “at them funny”.

So what’s to be done in Otley? Not a lot because there’s nothing to stop what the pub cos do, although there are currently rumbling in Parliament to keep them in check.

Otley’s MP Greg Mulholland – who helped in the Summercross fight – is on the case; even though he knows he can do no more than gain bad press for Enterprise and all the other real estate dealers, sorry pub cos. But businesses of that size are not bothered, just as long as the shareholders get their dividend and the bosses get their bonuses.

CAMRA PUBS OF THE YEAR 2009
April/May/June/July 09: Camra branches are choosing their pubs of the year and a few of my Olthwaite Golden Shovel top pubs have been selected - The Star in Huddersfield, The Swan in York and The Leggers in Dewsbury.

The latest is in Keighley where a former brothel, council chamber and dance hall, The Old White Bear in Crosshills, is the winner.

In Wakefield the Anglers Retreat, in Wintersett, gets the Camra gong.

In Leeds Mr Foley's Cask Ale House is champ. Isle of Man brewery Okells had a go at turning this old Pearl Assurance place into an upmarket real ale joint but it never took off. York Brewery took it over and it was heaving last time I went in.

However I've never really warmed to the place. The bar always seems too cramped and is in a bit of a pit which is the first thing you see when you walk in - you can't really see the rest of the pub. The beer is ok but nothing special and the whole place still seems very 'banky' and rather lacking in atmosphere. The Victoria down the road wins hands down in every department.

I've mentioned the Star, in Huddersfield, elsewhere (see Best Pubs and picture of one of their famous beer festivals, above) - lovely beer, atmosphere and pub dog.

In York, the Swan is a splendid corner boozer, about 15 mins from the city centre, with a tiny bar and two rooms with tables and chairs huddled together. As I wrote in my best pubs list, I have a weakness for wooden panelling and the Swan has plenty. It also has a varied selection of beers, along with regulars Tetley’s Bitter, Timothy Taylor Landlord and Copper Dragon Golden Pippin, and a cosy atmosphere (real fire in one room).

The pub isn't in the Good Beer Guide because of a change of ownership at the time the branch was submitting its favourites.

Trafford and Hulme branch have chosen the Knott in Manchester city centre. The branch covers this part of the city and they've chosen one of my favourite pubs - Ginger Marble stars with other micros, plus some excellent grub, all in an old railway arch with chunky wooden furniture. Jukey's not bad either.

In Sheffield it's two wins in a row for the Kelham Island Tavern, which is in with a chance of retaining its national Camra pub of the year title.

Runners-up were:

2 Fat Cat (near Kelham Island)
3 New Barrack Tavern, Penistone Road
4 Bath Hotel, City Centre
5 Sheaf View, Heeley
6 Devonshire Cat, City Centre
7 Rising Sun, Nether Green
8 Harlequin, Nursery Street
9 University Arms, Brook Hill
10 Hillsborough Hotel, Langsett Road
11 Wellington, Shalesmoor
12 Commercial, Chapeltown.

My own Sheff top five would be: 1 Sheaf, 2 Fat Cat, 3 Rutland, city centre 4 Red Deer,city centre 5 Rising Sun.

Bradford's pub of the year is The Junction, in Baildon. I've never been.

Halifax branch has chosen The Moyles bar, restaurant and hotel in Hebden Bridge, a very swanky but friendly place which has a good range of ales in good order.

Yet another Olthwaite Golden Shovel winner is pub of the year in the Heavy Woollen region - the fabulous Leggers, in Dewsbury.

It's a bit of a grim walk from the train station on a bleak day but the pub's a joy in summer - next to the canal and a real sun trap. The pub itself is the old stables for the barge horses and you can still see the beams. It's one of the best places to while away a pleasant afternoon. Sink in the comfy chairs with a pint of Tiger and other excellent ales.

In North Manchester, the New Oxford in Salford retains its crown. I'm overdue a visit.

In Southport The Barons wins for the second year running, a place I used to go to as a youth, excellent beer but somewhat lacking in atmosphere now - The Guest House is easily the best pub in town. In Wigan the Crown in Worthington wins. I've never been.

SPORTING CHANCE
Apr/May 09: The Sportsman in Huddersfield opened at the end of April and judging by its opening weeks looks set to become one of the best pubs in town.

It's run by the folk who look after the excellent West Riding Refreshment Rooms in Dewsbury and they've done a cracking job refurbishing the pub. They've kept the layout and some of the distinctive features, for example the wall seating which probably hasn't changed in 50 years.

It's a sympathetic revamp with some lovely art deco touches, such as the mirrors and squiggly wallpaper (hey, don't get Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen on my ass)

The Sportsman has all my favourite features in a pub - small rooms, fireplaces, chunky furniture and eight real ales, mainly from west Yorkshire and many from Kirklees such as Mallinsons, Empire, Golcar and Anglo Dutch, as well as the new Black Sheep Golden Fleece (light and sweet, so much better than the regular Black Sheep)and regular milds.

It's a regular for me already. Here's the website:

The Sportsman

STAR ATTRACTIONS
Mar 09: The fabulous Star Inn, in Lockwood, Huddersfield, is the town's Camra pub of the year.

The award coincided with one of the pub's famous beer festivals - 60 plus beers including Great Heck's George Formby range. My festival favourite was Auntie Maggie's Homemade Remedy, a coffee-ish delight.

The Star has been overshadowed over the past few years by the rampant form of the Rat and Ratchet and the emergence of the excellent Grove which took the Star template of reviving and restoring a shabby pub and serving a vast array of ales.

The Star is a cosy, friendly place with a great selection of beers and deserves its place in the sun again.

THE END OF THE SUMMERCROSS
March 09: It looks like the end of the road for lovely Otley pub The Summercross. Plans to convert it into a care home have been approved by Leeds Council.

This flourishing pub, the only one on the eastern side of the town, was shut in October 2007 and sold to a housing company. A plan to convert into housing was rejected.

KELHAM ISLAND IS PUB OF THE YEAR
Feb 09: Camra's pub of the year is the Kelham Island Tavern, in Sheffield. It had to shut for six weeks in 2007 because of the floods, so this is a great turnaround. The Crown Inn in Stockport was one of three runners-up.

FEELING GROVE-Y
Jan 09: Here's a picture of one of my favourite pubs, The Grove, in Huddersfield, and some of the unusual artwork the landlord gets from t'inters. I usually go late afternoon/early evening and hide behind the pillars reading a paper until the words swirl from the ale, but I went for the first time on a Friday night recently and it was heaving - great to see in these cash-strapped times. There was a real mix of ages too, with students attracted to the menu containing hundreds of beers, spirits and bizarre snacks - from flavoured Polish vodkas to salt and vinegar flavoured crickets. But The Grove is best known for its real ales - 16 handpumps, with a good mix of regulars and guest beers. It's also a cosy place with friendly bar staff - get yerself down there!

Grove Inn website

KELHAM ISLAND INTO LAST FOUR OF PUB OF YEAR
Jan 09: Sheffield's excellent Kelham Island has been rated as one of the top four pubs in the country by Camra.

It has a chance of being named top pub following another round of judging next month. It'll be up against the Crown Inn, in Stockport (a pub I've always wanted to visit), the Tom Cobley Tavern, in Spreyton, Devon and the Royal Oak, in Rusper, West Sussex.

Two hundred branches chose their pubs of the year, these were whittled down to 16 regional finalists, including Kelham as best in Yorkshire and the Crown best in Greater Manc. I did moan about Kelham being Yorkshire pub of the year twice in a row, but it is one of those lovely multi-room pubs which is a pleasure to be in.

DOUBLE TRIUMPH FOR THE SAIR
Dec 08: The world's greatest pub (probably) - The Sair, in Linthwaite - has received two very different national honours. It's been named as 'one of the 50 greatest old pubs in Britain' in The Rough Pub Guide and won an 'authentic pub' award by the Sawday guides.

The Rough Pub Guide has nothing to do with Rough Guides, apparently, so I thought this book would be all about 'Are you looking at my pint, do you want to go outside?' boozers and, indeed, The Three Legs in Leeds is in there.

But so is the Briton's Protection in Manchester, where the only chance of violence is being poked by an oboeist's bow if an orchestra has been playing in the Bridgewater Hall next door.

The authors say their guide is 'part guidebook, part paean to a disappearing England' as they bemoan the advance of gastropubs and the disapperance of 'public bars, where you can stand around with a pint, play darts and enjoy a platter of roast potatoes, or you could retire to the lounge, where, in amongst the flock wallpaper and red velvet bench seats, an old bloke would invariably run through his repertoire on an organ'.

I must say this 'golden idyll' sounds awful and reeks of Watneys Red Barrel and redneck localness. Also, pubs which have improved their food have usually improved their ale.

Other pubs in the guide I've visited include the wonderful Dyffryn Arms, at Pontfaen, near Fishguard. The landlady, Bessie, now 78, and who looks like Dandy Nicholls, poured Bass from a metal jug the last time I was there in what seemed to be her front room. The beer was cool and lovely, the welcome warm.

The Vulcan in Cardiff is also in there - a no-nonsense Brains pub on the edge of the city centre currently threatened with demolition to make way for a shopping centre - and also the Coach and Horses in Soho - a pub that has retained its character and characters amid the tourist cheesiness.

The Sawdays guide has various different categories for its winning pubs - eg pubs with rooms, pubs that serve local/organic produce. Most of the pubs are down south and look like ye olde mansions where you have to take your shoes off before you go in.

God knows how they found The Sair. But what a place! I can't make my mind up if it's better to go in the winter, with the real fire roaring, or the summer, with the sun setting through the windows. Either way, with a pint of Old Eli in your hand, the sounds of That's Alright Mama in your ear, Danny the pub dog dreaming of crisps nearby and the lovely Mrs P next to me, I can't think of anywhere better to go. (see full review in Best pubs, left)

GREEN CROSS GOLD
Dec 08: I've been meaning to write about the Green Cross in Moldgreen, Hudds, for some time and now I've got an excuse. It's deservedly won Hudds Camra's Autumn Pub of the Year.

The pubs reopened earlier this year under new management and after a refurbishment, and very nice is it too. Two rooms, old fireplace preserved, comfy seats and attractive black and dark red decor. Thwaites beers are always on plus some Yorkshire favourites such as Elland and Acorn.

The landlord's friendly and keen, there are bands in the back room and a TV for the football which doesn't take over the pub.

It's about 15-20 mins trek out of the town centre on the grim Wakefield Road, where it always seems to be raining, but apart from that, it's a place I'll be going to again.

THEY'RE BUGGERING ABOUT WITH THE ALBERT AGAIN..BUT THE STEAM'S BACK ON FORM
Dec 08: One of the few real ale pubs in Hudds town centre, and the one with arguably the best interior, is closed again and the skips are outside.

There was a big hoo-ha when it closed a couple of years ago and there were fears that the Victorian wood and glass screens would be ripped out. The pub did reopen and it was a nice refit, but the choice and quality of beer gradually went downhill and the pub began to look a bit shabby.

It closed again last month. No planning application this time, as far as I can tell, and Enterprise Inns are still looking for a new landlord, according to their website, but peering through the windows it looks like a really nice job inside - brown carpets, nice seating and old pics on the wall complementing the Victorian interior.

Enterprise are looking for 'a quality food and cask ale operator' and they've spent £80k on the pub. I've heard it could reopen before Christmas.

One pub where the beer quality has improved this year is the Head of Steam. The pub is such a lovely place but was let down by rank pints too often for my liking. Also the wine was usually warm and the food quality had declined. Anyway, a new landlord came in earlier this year and everything has got better.

Jan 08 update: Went in reopened Albert, nicely done out but Landlord only real ale and dreadful soft rock playing in the background - they obviously can't trust their customers to create an atmosphere.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE REFRESHMENT ROOMS?
Oct 08: Throughout this summer I've been making forlorn treks to Sowerby Bridge in the hope that the new pub at the train station has opened. It was due to open in June/July in the old ticket office but the building has remained boarded up with no sign of life. All that could change shortly.

I emailed Christopher Wright, one of two brothers involved in the conversion of the ticket office into The Jubilee Refreshment Rooms and he says work is due to start at the end of next month with an opening date of April 2009.

No indication over what's caused the delay but it's great that they're "back on track".

As mentioned in the previous article below, the building has been empty for 25 years and it's taken the brothers 10 years to hack through red tape to get permission to convert it.

They hope to attract the 500 people who use the station daily with a combination of good cafe food and local real ales.

CAMRA PUBS OF THE YEAR UPDATE
Sept 08: And the Yorkshire pub of the year is....Kelham Island Tavern, in Sheffield, for the second year running.

Mmm..yes it's a fine pub but there are pubs that are equally good if not better in Yorkshire and it's surely time to give them a turn.

In Greater Manchester, The Crown, under the viaduct in Stockport is the winner, while Merseyside, Cheshire & North Wales' champ is the Blue Bell, in Halkyn, just off the A55 in North Wales.

West Pennines region, which includes Lancashire, has chosen the Manor Arms, in Broughton-in-Furness, Cumbria.

There are 16 regional winners in all. The overall winner and Camra pub of the year will be announced in February.

RAT 'N' ROLL
Sept 08: Another splendid beer festival at Huddersfield's pub of the year The Rat and Ratchet. This is an old pic - the pub was heaving on Friday night and Saturday afternoon and I didn't have the pluck to take a photo of five dark beers in a row at the bar because I thought I might as well write on my face: 'Camra geek. Do not talk about malt and hops in front of this man'. Anyway the only drawback to two splendid days was that the Champion Beer of Britain by Alton is dry, bitter and terrible fuelling my theories that mainly southern judges are at the Great British Beer Festival. And someone nicked my seat, even though I'd put newspapers and a glass on it - grrr!