Monday, February 17, 2014

RUGBY LEAGUE



RUGBY LEAGUE'S EXTRAORDINARY SEASON
After months of ominous silence by rugby league's rulers that threatened to deflate the ballooning optimism that built up during the world cup, suddenly the sport is back with a spring in its step.

First of all a quality sponsor for Super League, First Utility, an underdog energy firm taking on the big boys in the same way that rugby league fights for attention in the sporting world (thanks goodness the sponsor's not a cash loan site).

Secondly, a large slice of Sky pie, giving Super League clubs a 63 per cent increase in funds. Shame the BBC don't get the odd Saturday afternoon game, but hey-ho.

Thirdly and most importantly of all, relegation is back, with two clubs going down at the end of this season, and promotion returns next season with the top two leagues of 12 splitting into threes league of eight during 2015. Great ideas - making the Super League stronger and making the Championship teams fight in more than one game for a place in the top league.

Five of the 14 championship sides will be relegated at the end of this season to prepare for next season which will no doubt make most games absolutely do or die.

Add the all-new Salford Red Devils, it promises to be a corker of a season. Wigan v Saints grand final, London and Bradford to go down. Leeds to win the cup. Fev to win the Champ big one.

Playing The Joker, West Yorkshire Playhouse
Eddie Waring may have been loved by millions, but he spent a lot of his time in the late 70s holed up in the Queens Hotel, Leeds, because of the abuse he received from some rugby league fans who felt he was a bit of a northern Uncle Tom.

Playwright Anthony Clavane imagines an encounter with Waring and a younger man at the hotel who feels the commentator has sold out and forgotten his roots.

It's a fascinating play about the price of success and how you have to lose yourself to please the bosses. Dickon Ashworth is an uncanny Eddie lookalike (once he puts the Waring wig on) while William Fox almost steals the show as the twitchy young man grieving for his dad. Dominic Gately as Eddie's minder is also good. The violence of parts of the play is a little at odds with the humour but it doesn't spoil the whole show.




It's the eve of the eve of the Rugby League World Cup semi-finals and I'm getting nervous.

Here at last are an England team who have the skill and creativity to challenge the two best sides in the world. They've reached the semi-final, the bare minimum for this tournament, but now face the wrecking ball New Zealanders who've looked the best side in the tournament so far.

Fair play to Steve McNamara, he's endured huge pressure yet his tactics and choice of players have largely worked. The much maligned Chase can feel a little unlucky to be omitted from the squad for the semi. and Widdop has yet to prove himself for England in this tournament, but McNamara has at least selected Burrow and Roby in his 19.

I've seen five games live, all superb - from the nervous tension surrounding England v Australia, the thudding tackles at a raucous Rochdale, and Tonga/Scotland joy at a packed Fax.  Scotland were fantastic and Wales were unfortunate to face the surprise hits of the tournament, Italy and the US.

The only downside is the disappointing number of live games on the BBC and the lack of pubs showing the games on Premier Sports. No pubs in Huddersfield, the birthplace of rugby league, will be showing the Aus semi on TV this Saturday.

Interesting play at West Yorkshire Playhouse this week - Playing the Joker, a celebration of Eddie Waring, rugby league and what is means to be from Yorkshire (until November 23, from 6pm) by Anthony Clavane




WORLD CUP PREVIEW
It's here - what promises to be one of the greatest rugby league world cups and a home nation's best chance to win it.

Why a great tournament? Aus, Nz and England all look tasty. Fiji, PNG and Tonga look to offer the strongest Pacific Nations challenge in a cup for a while and Wales and Scotland are looking good. Even the so-called underdogs, like US and Italy, look to offer a challenge in what promises one of the most competitive world cups.

And stadiums in Cardiff, Wembley, Old Trafford, Huddersfield, Halifax, Rochdale, Warrington and Workington all expect decent and possibly record crowds.

Why England? A formidable pack, many of them honed in Aus, world-class centres, wings and full-back.

Why not England? Half-backs and kicking game are potential weak spots and Steve McNamara may lack flair to give the team the edge. Semi-final is a minimum because of the draw but I think England can win the whole shebang

The quarter-finals are likely to be NZ v Tonga/Scotland, Australia, who I expect will narrowly beat England in the first game, to face Wales, England v France and PNG v Fiji.




CHAMPIONSHIP AND CHALLENGE CUP
Feb 12: I don't feel the rugby league season has really got under way until the Championship starts and this season looks like being the most competitive for years.

In the Championship, Fax and Fev will tussle it out for top spot, I reckon, with Batley and Sheffield not far behind.

In Champ 1, I reckon it'll be Rochdale's year with Oldham and the Cumbrians snapping at their heels. I think London Skolars and the Crusaders could be the surprise packages and win plenty of games.

I also think the Challenge Cup Third Round is a great season landmark as the Champ teams enter the fray and with so many evocative ties - Wath Brow v South Wales (the alliteration sounds like something from Dylan Thomas), Egremont v Oldham, and Hunslet v The Royal Navy (one of three Hunslet teams in the third round and like the first tie, the tiny areas versus huge powers)

UPDATE: Rugby league, Challenge Cup Fourth Road: A special moment of the season as the big teams join the draw. I like the look of Leeds v Wakey, Fev v Cas, Hull v Hudds, Hull KR v Catalans. Fev probably have the only chance of pulling off a shock.





SAM TOMKINS - THE GREATEST BRITISH RUGBY PLAYER PLAYING TODAY
Aug 11: He’s faster than most. He can spot a gap no-one else can see. He can place a kick to perfection, catch a high ball under pressure, produce a try-saving tackle. He can dummy, he can shimmy, he can score. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Wigan Warrior, the finest rugby player playing today – Mr Sam Tomkins.

I was brought up on the Wales rugby union team of the 70s and marvelled at players like Barry John, Phil Bennett and Gareth Edwards and their way of making the impossible come true - when they were surrounded by opposition players, with apparently nowhere to go, they'd suddenly find space and were away to the tryline.

Apart from Jonathan Davies, the Wales rugby union and British rugby league great, and Wales’ Shane Williams, I haven’t been excited about a rugby player since then – until I saw Sam.

He has a chance to show what he can do on a national stage when Wigan play Leeds in rugby league’s Challenge Cup Final on Saturday at what should be a packed Wembley Stadium.

I love Sam's all-round ability. He’s only 5ft 10in and 12 stone but he can power his way through a heavily-defended line or bring down a huge forward. Not many 'Fancy Dan' half-backs can do that.

But it’s his outrageous attacking play which truly amazes. When a pass looks like the only option, he’ll suddenly go off on a mazy run, throw an outrageous dummy or charge his way through the tiniest of gaps. You can’t believe he’s going to score but he usually does. He’s only 22 but has the confidence to try anything.

Sam seems to have gone top another level this season – he’s top try scorer in Super League, he’s made the most clean breaks and is the biggest ‘tackle buster’.

What a contrast with the England rugby union team. Judging by the game in Wales recently, their strategy is less blood and thunder and more thud and blunder, with no-one seemingly having an original idea to open a defence – it’s back to the Charlie ‘Crash Ball’ Kent 'glory' days of England rugby union of the 70s.

With many national papers barely covering rugby league these days, players like Tomkins are undervalued while more prosaic rugby union players are hailed for skill that is commonplace in league – the pass out of the tackle or the run from deep, for example.

Ah well – come on Sam , come on Wigan!





MY WISHES FOR 2011 SEASON

1 More coverage in the national media
A familiar refrain and rugby league fans risk 'nutter' status for sending so many letters complaining about coverage. But have you seen the Daily Telegraph, for example? Great sports paper but rugby league coverage is on a par with hockey and lacrosse, while acres is given over to rugby union's Premiership. But the Telegraph isn't unusual - the BBC previewed February's sporting attractions on the radio, with no mention of the start of Super League.

2 Attendances go up
Rugby union's Premiership attendances are falling - no wonder. Matches I've seen are marred by scrums, rucks and penalties. Let's hope rugby league's can surpass them - tricky in this economic climate, but what a coup it would be. And it will help with the Sky contract (up for renewal this year) and - (see 1) more media coverage.

3 Widnes and Halifax go up
Widnes are a shoo-in but wouldn't it be great if Fax could go up with them? A competitive team in a rugby league hotbed with a ground that's finished at last.

4 Wigan to retain the title
Fantastic first season for Michael Maguire - thought last season would be a bedding-in one. New signings make them even stronger. 2 Warrington, 3 Huddersfield, 4 Saints, 5 Bradford, 6 Leeds.

5 Crusaders hold their heads up
Wakey have taken the heat off the Welsh club but it's going to be tough with no cash and a new coach. Hope they win a few and get another play-off place.

6 Batley for the play-offs
Great club, great rugby, great ground. Time for a play-off place, maybe a semi. Fancy Fev to win the league with Fax and Widnes running them close. Keighley to win their league, with Oldham finally winning a final to go up as runners-up.




FOUR NATIONS - IT WASN'T THAT BAD
Nov 10: Yet more defeats by Australian and New Zealand and more pessimism about the game in Britain - 'We've gone backwards', 'Players out of their depth' etc.

But unlike previous England/GB games, I didn't feel England were outclassed - their defence held up pretty well against sustained pressure from Australia and New Zealand and the English looked like they had more ideas about how to break the opposition line than in previous games.

But yet again the English were let down by basic errors and a poor kicking game. I think the Australians and New Zealanders deserved to win both games, but taking into account disallowed/wrongly-given tries, England should have only lost both games by 6-10 points.

Coach Steve McNamara's changes for the Aussie game were, perhaps, a little drastic, although justified in most cases. I'd have kept Widdop at full-back, with Tomkins at stand-off, Brown on the bench and Fielden dropped.


PLAY-OFFS
Sept 10: Just when I thought rugby league was getting an unfair hand in the media, you can't keep it out of the news. There was the excellent, even-handed Eddie Waring doc, part of BBC4's night of rugby league which also featured The Game That Got Away, a superbly filmed and observed documentary from 1969 with Salford's casino and roast dinners, Fev's small but perfectly formed team, and Wigan's bosses offering cash in brown paper bags.

Back to the present and Wigan are in the spotlight again after what sounded like the game of the season against Leeds with comebacks, end-to-end action and last-second penalty drama. Radio 5's passionate commentary team of Dave Woods, Stuart Pyke and John Kear were superb in describing Leeds' one-point win.

The play-off picture's a bit clearer now - Wigan face Hull KR on Friday 17 and Warrington play Huddersfield on Saturday 18. The winners face Saints or Leeds for a place in the final. Saints choose who they play.

In the Co-op leagues, Sheffield are blazing a trail with wins at Leigh and Barrow. They play Halifax for a place in the final against Featherstone on Thursday 16. But Halifax beat Sheff and face their west Yorks rivals in the final.

In Championship 1, Oldham are in the final afer beating York. The latter face Blackpool in the final semi on Sunday 19.

York got their revenge in the final, beating Oldham 25-4. A bit of a suprise I think but coach Dave Woods is an expert at winning these games.


EDDIE WARING DOCUMENTARY
Sept 10: I'm looking forward to BBC4's documentary about Eddie Waring on September 7. It promises to be a fitting tribute to a great commentator and entertainer who is largely forgotten about now.

The show looks like it's going to follow Tony Hannan's excellent biography by showing how he was loved and loathed.

I've written about him before but I think he had a fabulous voice - rolling his Rs in 'brain and brawn' for example. While he was occasionally lax about identifying the players, he had a wonderful way of describing the game - take Clive Sullivan's GB try or Don Fox's missed kick in front of the posts.

He was loathed by chippy, humourless Yorkshiremen who thought he was patronising the north.

The documentary is part of the Planet North season - programmes about Corrie, food and architecture and on September 7, there is also a 1969 documentary about Featherstone Rovers and a showing of the 1978 Cup Final between Leeds and St Helens. Plus This Sporting Life. Fabulous!

Eddie Waring doc trailer


MY LEAGUE WEEKLY LETTER ABOUT MEDIA'S COVERAGE OF THE SPORT
Aug 10: This is in response to a League Weekly column by Christopher Irvine who is no longer wanted as rugby league correspondent of The Times. He compared the coverage of rugby league in the national media now with the start of Super League when there was a promotional push by The Times, cricket was the main sport in the paper and there were only two football reporters. Incidentally Christopher works at Huddersfield Uni.

Here's the letter which appeared in the August 23 edition:

Great article by Christopher Irvine about the decline of rugby league coverage in the national media. I know exactly what he means – I worked for PA’s Ananova website, later owned by Orange, about 10 years ago and it was a real fight to get beyond the established order of football first and rugby union ahead of rugby league.


Never mind that attendances a lot of Super League matches would rival some Championship and League One games, every cough and spit of every English and Scottish match had to be covered. I also saw the growing dominance of coverage of English rugby union clubs (never mind Welsh clubs, even though it’s their national sport).


But as Christopher noted, this is the established order across all sports desks in all media and it will be very difficult for the RFL to change that. Start demanding coverage and that’s bound to get backs up; grovelling for coverage and they are likely to be ignored.


Even regular letters by readers to papers about poor rugby league coverage make little difference. They are printed but ignored.


What’s more galling is the increasing coverage of American football – a stop-start pantomime when there’s a slick, skilful contact sport on the papers’ doorstep.


I’m sure the RFL are constantly reminding sports desks about encouraging attendances and viewing figures in the game and about the exciting young players coming through, but I think the only way to change the mindset is more coverage on terrestrial TV, a successful London club and, most importantly of all, regular international success.


I believe rugby union takes precedence over league is the 70-80,000 attendances at Six Nations games and 20-30,000, if we’re lucky, for games here. Most sports desks won’t look beyond those figures for a reason of how they cover things.





BATLEY'S BIG DAY
Jun 10: I almost overdosed on northerness on the day Batley Bulldogs rugby league team played their Challenge Cup quarter final against Les Catalans (not a builder from Morley, the French team Les Catalans Dragons).

The rugby league, the evocative sloping ground of Mount Pleasant, Batley (and it is a lovely ground), the journey there on an Arriva Northern train, and pre-match refreshments at the West Riding Refreshment Rooms, in Dewsbury, where I watched another quarter-final on TV - Leeds v Wigan.

There was also a Lady GaGa impersonator at Batley - Barmy Lass (not really, she was called Lady Is Gaga)

The Refreshment Rooms were heaving - couples and groups of all ages having a great time. Apart from the rugby I couldn't quite work out why, but it seems many were doing a railale trail along the line. That James May programme seems to have done The Rooms a power of good.

My visit was slightly spoiled by an ignorant group of 10 people who stood right in front of me while I was watching the rugby, even though I moved out of their way to allow them room. I'm big enough to block a door but with some ignoramusses I might as well be invisible!

To make matters worse, Wigan lost in an error-strewn game in the last couple of minutes despite being the better side.

So onto Batley. If I didn't have to work on Sundays I'd be there regularly. The rugby is good, the atmosphere is great and it's one of the tidiest grounds in the country.

Poor old Lady Is Gaga was on her own on the back of a huge lorry in a maid's costume, belting out the hits to a disinterested chip queue.

The refreshment areas must have done a roaring trade - they'd run out of pies by the second half (they also had no programmes - a setback on a day like this when the 2,000-plus crowd was about three times bigger than normal. The printers were blamed).

Batley were 'dogged' by a first minute sin-binning but Les Catalans only managed a try in the first 20 minutes and the home side were only trailing 14 points with half-an-hour remaining.

But the French team (bolstered by Aussies) were a huge hulking lot. They looked baddies in a Clint Eastwood spaghetti western. By comparison Batley were living up to their former name of the Gallant Youths and looked small and boyish on their own line with the huge French bruisers charging at them. Final score of 74-12 to Les Catalans was very harsh.



RUGBY LEAGUE PUBS
Nov 09: Was I grateful for the Dusty Miller pub, in Longwood, Hudds, last Saturday. The England v Australia showdown and yet again I actually thought England could do it, but where to watch it?

There was no way I was going into town. I've had a rant about the lack of rugby league pubs before (see pub news, letter to Examiner) so I was hoping my local, the Fieldhead, in Quarmby, would show it.

But of course there was the Ireland World Cup game on at the same time and when I asked the barman if they were showing the rugby, two miserable football oafs who looked like two of the Three Stooges (baldy and curly) said: 'Not a chance' and gawped at me as if I'd switched over the TV myself in the middle of an England penalty shoot-out.

It's going to be great next summer when all the dribbling halfwit rednecks will be allowed to bawl their Eng-er-land shite just because they've got an Eng-er-land shirt on.

Anyway if was off across a darkened track and down into Longwood and the Dusty Miller, a cottagey pub which serves Black Sheep and Tetley's Mild in good order and a guest beer, last Saturday a hoppy St Austell one.

And it was packed, with about 50-60 rugby league fans, cheering the mighty Burgess and co and letting out sighs as the Aussies turned it on, again, at the end.

So here's to you Dusty Miller.

And here's to you Pump Room, in Halifax, another great rugby league pub that serves real ale. Why can't more West Yorkshire pubs do something different and bin the football - they're bound to get some punters in, we're living in a rugby league hotbed.

What to watch? Sky have released fixtures they're covering next year:

JANUARY
29 Crusaders v Leeds (8.00pm) Hello Wrexham!

FEBRUARY
5/6 Huddersfield v Bradford
12 Wigan v Hull KR
13 Castleford v Warrington
19 Bradford v Castleford
20 Warrington v Wigan
26 Hull v Harlequins
27 Castleford v Leeds
28 Leeds v Melbourne TBC World Club Challenge

MARCH
5 Bradford v Wigan
6 Wakefield v Huddersfield
12 Hull KR v Wakefield
13 Warrington v Bradford
19 Crusaders v Catalans
20 Harlequins v Huddersfield
27 Salford v Hull

APRIL
1 Leeds v Bradford
2 Hull KR v Hull
St Helens v Wigan
5 Catalans v Leeds
9 Huddersfield v Castleford
10 Harlequins v St Helens
23 St Helens v Leeds

Pic: Delarever from Flickr



KAISER CHIEF DIDN'T SING AT EDDIE WARING'S FUNERAL
Sept 09: I've been getting into The Word comments board - Rod Hull, Tommy Cooper discussions - marvellous. I managed to squeeze in my 'Kaiser Chief singer sang at Eddie Waring's funeral' story from Tony Hannan's biography of Eddie - but it seems Tony wasn't quite right, as he admitted in a reply to my email on the site.

Here's his reply:

"Eeeaaarly bath for moi, alas.

Since the first edition of Being Eddie Waring was published, it has come to light that the Ricky Wilson/Eddie Waring story is only a half-truth. It seems that - contrary to Waring family memory - it was actually Ricky's brother who was Eddie's godson and sang Pie Jesu at the funeral.

Ricky was there at the service, though, and so, technically speaking, will have sung something, or maybe just picked his nose...since he was nowt but a nipper at the time. His parents were BBC producers who worked with Eddie on 'It's A Knockout', among other programmes.

The connection has left me convinced that the 'Oh My God' lyrics are actually about Eddie and rugby league, though....then again, I could be wrong about that an' all!"

I prrrredict-a a riot-a!



WORLD CUP AFTERMATH
Nov 08: Bugger! Bugger, bugger, bugger! I never expected that - solid Super League talents like Wellens buggering up, basic defence on the line non-existent, up-in- the-air passes instead of whipped into the breadbasket, yet more crap kicking on the fifth tackle. I really thought we would get to the final and go down in a heroic fashion.

England looked nervous, trying to be clever before they'd established a platform. Bugger.

At least the rest of the world cup has been good - the matches involving the 'lesser teams' have been great.

Aussies to win by 20-30 points in the final.

RUGBY LEAGUE V AMERICAN FOOTBALL - MY OBSERVER LETTER
Oct 08: I was cheesed off with the measly coverage of the rugby league world cup compared with a two-page spread about an American football team in the October 19 edition of The Observer so I sent a letter which made top billing (out of three letters, ahem) in the October 26 edition's letters column.

It really pisses me off that American football, such a ponderous, ludicrous sport, is starting to get more attention in this country, probably because it's the latest trend from US. Yet we have rugby league, such an exciting homegrown sport which never seems to get enough publicity here.

Here's the letter:

It seems to be a tradition that most rugby league fans who write to national newspapers are moaning buggers, so I'm not going to disappoint you!

But, come on - one spindly column on the rugby league world cup, a major competition for one of our country's most popular sports, and a double page spread on a team playing American football, the High School Musical of sport (the latest US trend which is all flash and no substance).

Rugby league is a fast and furious sport with breathtaking skills attracting more fans every year at grounds and on TV.

American football has a languid poser looking for someone to pass to while a bunch of goons slap each other like rival packs of meerkats. Then they all have a rest and polish their helmets.

England rugby league team have a real chance of actually winning something at the world cup so let's have some more coverage please.


THE WORLD CUP - FIXTURES AND TEAMS
The rugby league world cup arrives with its usual lack of fanfare in the media - plenty of coverage about tedious southern rugby union premiership but next to nothing on such a major international event. Observer Sport, for example, ran a one-page preview piece and a massive feature on a leisure pursuit - climbing.

GROUP A: Australia, England, New Zealand, Papua New Guinea
GROUP B: France, Fiji, Scotland
GROUP C: Tonga, Ireland, Samoa

The format looks like favouring first three in Group A with one other team from other groups in semis. The top teams in groups B and C play off each other for a chance to play the winners of Group A in the semis. The second and third placed Group A teams play in the other semis.

I'm guessing it'll be Australia v France, New Zealand v England in the semis, with an Aussie/England final and the Aussies to win overall.


Fixtures:
Saturday, 25 October 2008
England 33 Papua New Guinea 22

Sunday, 26 October 2008
Australia 30 New Zealand 6
Scotland 18 France 36

Monday, 27 October 2008
Tonga 22 Ireland 20

Friday, 31 October 2008
Samoa 20 Tonga 12

Saturday, 01 November 2008
Fiji 42 France 6
New Zealand 48 Papua New Guinea 6

Sunday, 02 November 2008
Australia 52 England 4

Wednesday, 05 November 2008
Ireland 34 Samoa 16
Scotland 18 Fiji 16

Fiji and Ireland meet in semi-final eliminator. Other teams play in ranking games.

Saturday, 08 November 2008
England 24 New Zealand 36
Runner-Up Group B (Scotland) 0 Runner-Up Group C (Tonga) 48

Sunday, 09 November 2008
3rd place Group B (France) 10 3rd place Group C (Samoa) 42
Papua New Guinea 6 Australia 46

Monday, 10 November 2008
Winner Group B (Fiji) 30 Winner Group C (Ireland) 14

Saturday, 15 November 2008
Semi-final: Runner-Up Group A (New Zealand) 32 3rd Place Group A (England) 22

Sunday, 16 November 2008
Semi-final Winner Group A (Australia) 52 v Winner sf qualifier (Fiji) 0

Saturday, 22 November 2008
Winner SF1 v Winner SF2, 8:55

Matches will be shown live on Sky and highlights on the BBC as follows:
Sunday 26 October
1130-1230, BBC TWO

Sunday 2 November
1300-1400, BBC TWO

Saturday 8 November
1300-1400, BBC TWO

Sunday 9 November
1300-1400, BBC TWO

Saturday 15 November
1300-1400, BBC TWO

Sunday 16 November
1400-1500, BBC TWO

Saturday 22 November
1330-1430 , BBC TWO

BRITISH TEAMS

England:
Keith Senior, Danny McGuire, Rob Burrow, Jamie Peacock (captain), Gareth Ellis, Kevin Sinfield, Jamie Jones-Buchanan, Lee Smith (all Leeds), Paul Wellens, Ade Gardner, Leon Pryce, James Graham, James Roby, Maurie Fa'asavalu, Jon Wilkin (all St Helens), Rob Purdham (Harlequins), Mark Calderwood, Mickey Higham, Gareth Hock (all Wigan), Martin Gleeson, Adrian Morley, Ben Westwood (all Warrington), Jamie Langley, Paul Sykes (both Bradford).

Ireland:
Ross Barbour (Carlow Crusaders), Bob Beswick (Widnes), Damien Blanch (Wakefield), Mick Cassidy (Barrow), Ged Corcoran (Sheffield), Lee Doran (Leigh), Liam Finn (Dewsbury), Simon Finnigan (Bradford), Karl Fitzpatrick (Salford), Steve Gibbons (London Skolars), Sean Gleeson (Wakefield), Scott Grix (Wakefield), Gareth Haggerty (Harlequins), Ben Harrison (Warrington), Graham Holroyd (Halifax), Wayne Kerr (London Skolars), Stuart Littler (Salford), Shannon McDonnell (Wests Tigers), Michael McIlorum (Wigan), Eamon O'Carroll (Wigan), Michael Platt (Bradford), Pat Richards (Wigan), Ryan Tandy (Wests Tigers), Brett White (Melbourne Storm).

Scotland:
Chris Armit (Canterbury Bulldogs), Danny Brough (Wakefield Wildcats, captain), Dean Colton (Doncaster), Paddy Coupar (Edinburgh Eagles), Gavin Cowan (Wests Tigers), John Duffy (Widnes Vikings), Ben Fisher (Hull KR), Andrew Henderson (Castleford Tigers), Ian Henderson (Auckland Warriors), Kevin Henderson (Wakefield Wildcats), Jack Howieson (Sheffield Eagles), Paul Jackson (Huddersfield Giants), Wade Liddell (Brisbane Easts), Scott Logan (Canberra Raiders), Neil Lowe (Keighley Cougars), David McConnell (Leigh Centurions), Duncan McGilvery (Wakefield Wildcats), Iain Morrison (Widnes Vikings), Gareth Morton (Widnes Vikings), Mick Nanyn (Oldham), Lee Paterson (Widnes Vikings), Michael Robertson (Manley Sea Eagles), Jon Steel (Hull KR), Oliver Wilkes (Wakefield Wildcats).




A MARVELLOUS BIOGRAPHY OF EDDIE WARING
Aug 08: Just finished this fabulous book by Tony Hannan - a book I wanted to write and one that raises most of the points I wanted to raise. How could a 1970s superstar who appeared on Morecambe and Wise and other big shows be largely forgotten? Is Sky's Stevo receiving the same treatment as Eddie from the same craggy-faced old moaners who haven't laughed since 1973 when they broke wind?

There's some wonderful detail here - the lead singer of the Kaiser Chiefs, then a choirboy, singing at Eddie's funeral (Eddie was his godfather); Eddie's commentary of baseball in 1930s Dewsbury; and Eddie hobnobbing with Bob Hope in Hollywood.

But it's Eddie's brilliant ideas and his generous spirit that come across most of all in this book. He was coming up with Super League-type names and advocating expansion from the heartlands in the 1930s.

He was rumoured to be a big head and aloof but gave up his time and money at charity functions and helped out fellow journos. He was also humble enough to take on criticism from the BBC and alter his commentary style.

We're already halfway through the book by the time we get to his most famous period - his TV commentaries. He was doing radio commentary in the 1930s and ran Dewsbury rugby league in the 30s and 40s, transforming its fortunes.

Hannan gives both sides of the argument about Eddie being an 'Uncle Tom' figure, playing up to the cloth-cap Northern thicko image for the posh BBC, but he rightly rejects the critics, pointing out his brilliant commentary in the 'Watersplash' final where Don Fox missed a kick in front of the posts in the last minute and his team lost. Eddie never assumed that the kick would go over, as most commentators would do, and in his wonderful rich voice gave him a warm tribute 'Poor lad' etc.

No-one mocked rugby union's Bill McLaren for all his phrases or Scottish 'R's, but there were plenty of whingeing, chippy Northerners who moaned about Eddie, ignoring his fabulous voice, his turn of phrase and his timing. Colin Welland is quoted as slagging off Eddie. Welland wrote a terrible play about rugby league with all the northern cliches in place so he's got no room to talk.

Hannan suggests Eddie was struggling with a form of Alzheimer's by the mid-70s when he was in his mid-sixties and was in a home two years after he retired in 1981. He died in 1986.

A great book about a lovely man.

CROESO CRUSADERS!
July 08: For all the understandable wailing and gnashing from Widnes, the RFL has made the right decision letting Celtic Crusaders into Super League next year. It would have been an anti-climax to let two middling sides into Super League who've been there before.

Now we've got a relatively new side with huge potential who've already made huge strides in moving up the leagues, attracting more supporters and spreading the league word around Wales.
Their entry to Super League was the main story on ic wales (Western Mail) website on the day of the announcement and there's reports of Welsh government support.

The ground is not the best but it's no worse than Wakefield's.

In an ideal world, maybe two other clubs should have got in - Widnes and Halifax - but the former had financial difficulties last year and the latter still haven't built their stand.

Elsewhere the RFL is to even up the National Leagues by allowing one team to go down from NL1 and three to go up from Div 2, two automatically. Plus they've invited a French team to join, probably Toulouse, in 2009 and 2010.

The RFL assessed the teams on stadium facilities, finance, marketing, and players, including junior development. Leeds, Warrington and Hull came top


RUSSELL CROWE IS EDDIE WARING!
June 08: Is Russell Crowe really going to make a film about Eddie Waring?

According to the legendary League Weekly writer Dave 'Nosey' Parker, Tony Hannan's recent biography of Eddie was handed to Crowe by Leeds boss Gary Hetherington.

Dave worked with Eddie at the BBC and his column is a mixture of (usually) spot-on transfer rumours and entertaining trivia (tasty sausages in the Warrington press room).

So will it be 'I am Marcus Aurelius....a big lad from Featherstone', co-starring Tom Selleck as Alex Murphy, Morgan Freeman as Billy Boston and Danny De Vito as Andy Gregory?

I'm looking forward to reading Eddie's biography. He was a huge star in the seventies but is never thought of as a great broadcaster now - partly because of anti-Northern bias and partly due to the miserable buggers up here who, in the same way as they hate Stevo, think a commentator should read a dry list of facts rather than put a bit of feeling into their voice to match the passionate game.



MIKE GREGORY, RIP

Nov O7: There are few sadder sights than sportsmen and women who pride themselves on keeping their bodies in prime conditon being incapacitated by injury and illness, and none was crueller than the fate of former Great Britain captain Mike Gregory who has died at 43 after a four-year battle with a neurological disease.

His wife, Erica, a bio-chemist, traced his illness to a tick bite in Australia while and the infection known as borrelia caused progressive muscular atrophy which has the same symptoms as motor neurone disease.

He collapsed after Wigan's Challenge Cup final appearance in 2004 - the last game he was to coach with his hometown team. He insisted he could carry on with the job and the club made an ex gratia payment to him of £17,500 after he took them to a tribunal.

Gregory played virtually his entire career with Warrington and also captained GB to two Test series victories over New Zealand.

The highlights of his international career included a long-range try in Sydney in 1988 to clinch the first British victory over Australia in a decade. This was one of rugby league's most famous tries, when Andy Gregory broke through the Aussie defence deep in his own half passed it to Mike (no relation) and he beat the chasing defence to touch down, even though speedster Martin Offiah was outside him begging for a pass.

Gregory recalled in his autobiography Biting Back in 2006. I was thinking 'If I'm going to run all this way, I may as well score.'

He began his post-playing career as assistant to coach Shaun McRae at St Helens, who lifted the inaugural title and twice won the Challenge Cup during his time on the staff. Gregory then coached Swinton before joining the backroom staff at Wigan, initially as academy coach and then as assistant to Stuart Raper.

He succeeded Raper at his hometown club in July 2004 and, after guiding the Warriors to an 11-match unbeaten run culminating in a Grand Final appearance and was given the job full time on a two-year contract.

More than 1,000 people attended his funeral and the streets outside the Sacred Heart Church in Springfield, Wigan, were lined with fans in the hours before the service

Wigan RL Chief Executive and his friend Joe Lydon said: “Gone is the powerful physique that Mike worked so hard to create, the swagger, the confidence, the banter.

"But before anger sets in at the cruel injustice, I quickly realised that what remains, what is constant, are the core values, the heart encased in a stubborn shell.

“Courage, determination, a sharp mind and a love and appreciation of family, friends and laughter. These are the qualities that deserve to be applauded and afforded the superlatives that are too often used without real merit.

“These are the qualities that define the man I have had the pleasure to play alongside and to call my friend. These are the same qualities that should stand as a reminder to us all of what must be valued in sport, at home and in life."



AUSTRALIA 12 GREAT BRITAIN 23!
Nov 2006: Was it only a few weeks ago that I was so optimistic...

Rolf Harris, Kylie Minogue, that helicopter bloke who dropped snakes on Mad Max, can you hear me now? You won the boxing match but lost the game!


Are you there Nathan Hindmarsh? When Leon Pryce said he preferred Blackpool to Bondi (wherever that is) the Aussie said about Lancashire's premier resort: "It's an exciting place to go, really. The rain, the drizzle, the cold, the depressing people, the smokes in the bath … I don't know of anyone who has been to Blackpool and enjoyed it."

Smoking in the bath, ooh how terrible.

Nathan - 23-12

And Wigan's Bryan Fletcher described Blackpool as "a shithouse". He told the Sydney Morning Herald: "I went to Blackpool - me and the missus. We got there and the wife said, 'Pick the baby up, I don't want her walking on the footpath'.

"It's so dirty. And the beach - you've got your sand, but the water's edge is about a kilometre out to sea. It's just shithouse."

Brian - 23-12.

Tom Raudonikis, a tourist to England with Australia in 1972, 1973, 1975 and 1978, told The (Aussie) Telegraph: "The north of England is too cold, full of miserable people and the beer is warm. Oh, and Leon Pryce lives there."

Ooo, ner-ner-n-ner-ner. Tom - 23-12

The Telegraph also says that in the "grimy north of England" the sun sets at 3pm, and Blackpool is bleak.

And ex-Aussie captain Laurie Daley told The Australian: "Super League is a second-rate competition. There's a couple of good sides, but the rest would be finishing in the bottom of our competition every year."

Laurie - 23-12!


UP AND OVER, A Trek through Rugby League Land, by Dave Hadfield

A book about a 220-mile sponsored walk, roughly following the route of the M62, sounds tedious but this is a wonderful book which says so much about rugby league and Northern towns and cities and also has some cracking anecdotes and laugh-out-loud lines.

Hadfield is the rugby league writer of The Independent and is joined on the 2003 walk by Sky summarisers Phil Clarke and Stevo. They are accompanied by fans from different clubs as they travel from Hull to Widnes, via Castleford, Wakefield, Leeds, Bradford, Halifax, Huddersfield, Oldham, Salford, Swinton, Leigh, Wigan, St Helens and Warrington.

He points out how much these sporting rivals have in common - the loss of coal and other industries and the closure of evocative old grounds such as Watersheddings and Thrum Hall.

As Hadfield describes the tough areas and some of the brutal players in the sport, he comes across examples of the game's generous spirit - Embassy, the amateur club from Hull, who gave all their Russian Challenge Cup opponents a tenner each so they buy a drink. And then there's Barrie McDermott, the fearsome one-eyed Leeds legend who was the first person to have CS gas used on him in Britain. He turns out to be a lovely bloke (off the field anyway).

The quirky observations are often the best - how bread rolls become breadcakes, flourcakes, teacakes, baps or buns from town to town, how Halifax still displays its gibbet (inspiration for the guillotine) which was last used in 1654 to decapitate two unfortunate cloth thieves.

Hadfield also clears up a couple of myths - the first about Eddie Waring living in the Queen's Hotel, in Leeds. He actually lived somewhere in Sowerby Bridge but his commentary style was so unpopular with some league fans, all his mail was redirected to the hotel and he always met visitors there.

He also had an everlasting contract with the BBC, but by the end he had to get someone to point at players' names on a board and spent the whole match watching the board!

The other myth is the family who live on the farm in the middle of the M62 (subject of a lovely John Shuttleworth song). The road builders didn't have to divert the road especially for a stubborn farmer who refused to move - they were going to split the road anyway there and the farmer and his family opted to stay.

Hadfield has some great one-liners too - hardcore Hull FC fans won't eat bacon because it's in the red and white colours of Hull KR! There are plenty of good-natured cracks about Stevo and some about Ray French, who loses a bet with Stevo over the existence of the momentum rule and has to shout out his greatest commentary lines in Warrington town centre.

Cracking book!

Picture: Amazon

Monday, November 18, 2013

GOOD BEER GUIDE 2014 - WHO'S IN, WHO'S OUT



Never mind your apps, here's my guide to this year's Good Beer Guide to send you on the path to pub righteousness. There are no changes in Huddersfield and Bradford but quite a few in Leeds and Manchester. The book also features a West Yorkshire village I've never heard of before - Goose Eye.

Hudds has Grove, King's, Rat, Slubbers, Sporters, Star, Vulcan and White Cross in the good book.

Elsewhere in Kirklees, the gaudy and loud Brambles is a newy in Holmfirth (the Nook's still in from last year). The Flowerpot in Mirfield is another newy, joining the town's Navigation and Old Colonial. The Pear Tree drops out. Dewsbury loses the Huntsman and Shepherd's (West Riding and Leggers are still in ). No changes in Linthwaite (The Sair, arguably the best pub in the world), Marsden (Riverhead), Meltham (Will O'Nats) Slaithwaite (Commercial).

In Bradford, entries are the Castle, City Vaults, Corn Dolly, Fighting Cock, Ginger Goose, Haigy's, New Beehive, Sir Titus Salt and Sparrow.

In Leeds, in come the Friends of Ham (hip but nice), Ship (forgettable), Stick or Twist (Wetherbarn), Templar (a classic old boozer full of classic old boozers). Still in are Hop, Foleys, North, Palace, Scarborough, Veritas, Victoria, Whitelocks.

Away from Leeds centre, Fox and Newt in Burley, Arcadia, in Headingley, and the Grove and Midnight Bell, in Holbeck are still in.

In Halifax, the smashing and revamped Shears is in, but Dirty Dicks (shame) and New Prospect depart. Still in are Big Six, Sportsman, and Three Pigeons.

Elsewhere in Calderdale, the Barge and Barrel, in Elland, returns to the book (Drop Inn still in from last year). Todmorden's newie is Calderdale pub of the year and piemaster the Masons, joining the Polished Knob and Staff of Life. No changes in Brighouse (Red Rooster, Richard Oastler)

Splendid Sowerby Bridge still has the Jubilee, Puzzle, Shepherd's and Works, but loses the White Horse.

The lovely Crescent, in Ilkley, is a newie (along with regular Bar T'at). The Fleece falls out in Otley but town's Bowling Green, Horse and Farrier, Junction and Old Cock are still in.

Manchester newbies are the Crown and Kettle (which has improved since last year), Font (studenty), Joshua Brooks (ditto), Molly House (first 'village' pub to feature in guide?), Rising Sun (a bit characterless), and Wharf (ditto). Out go: Wheatsheaf, Smithfield, Piccadilly, Peveril, Old Wellington, Jolly Anglers. Still in are: Angel, Bar Fringe, Cask, Castle, City Arms, Knott, Marble Arch, Micro Bar, Paramount, Port Street, Sandbar, Waterhouse.

A few changes in real ale/craft beer hotspot Chorlton - Beech Inn, Marble Beer House, Parlour and Sedge Lynn are new entries, joining Bar, Electrik and Pi. Out go Horse& Jockey and Oddest.

Salford's Crescent drops out of this year's Guide but another old favourite, the King's Arms, is back in. The Eagle is another new entry. The Mark Addy and New Oxford stay in from last year. The Racecourse and Star drop out.

Tameside is good for an ale crawl with Hyde, Mossley and Stalybridge each having four entries. In Hyde - Cheshire Ring, Godley hall (new), Queen's Inn and Sportsman. Mossley has Britannia, Commercial (new), Dysarts and the Rising Sun, while Stalyvegas has the Society Rooms (new), Labour Club (new), Refreshment Rooms and the White House.

They've reorganised the Sheffield entries, creating a new Kelham Island section featuring Fat Cat, Harlequin, Kelham Island Tavern, Riverside, Shakespeares, Ship Inn, and Wellington. Most of these pubs used to be in the central section which now features the Bath, Dev Cat, Henry's, Hop (a newie), Old House, Red Deer, Rutland, Sheff Tap. A newie in Shef South is the splendid Broadfield, an ex-student grothole now very good for food and ales. The best pub in Sheffield, the Sheaf, is still in the south section.

Loads of changes in York with some great pubs dropping out, such as the Golden Ball, Three Legged Mare and Blue Bell. Guy Fawkes and Rook&Gaskell also leave. In come Old White Swan, Pivni, Snickleway, Volunteer and York Tap, joining regulars Brigantes, Maltings, Minster, Phoenix, Slip, Swan and Waggon&Horses.

In Wakefield, new entries are an old favourite, Henry Boons, plus the Inns of Court. Regulars are Alverthorpe, Black Rock, Bull and Fairhouse, Fernandes, Harry's, Hop and Red Shed.

PS Goose Eye is near Oakworth. The Turkey Inn is the entry - looks a corker.

The final 16 for Camra pub of the year have been chosen - Wales' champ is the Albion, see below. Yorkshire's is the Old No7, in Barnsley, decent but not spectacular. The Baum in Rochdale, reigning national champ, is Greater Manc pub of the year again. Winners announced in Feb.

Friday, August 10, 2012

PIES AND OTHER FOOD

 
THE MERYL STREEP OF PIEMEN
Pieman Simon Haigh of Bolster Moor Farm Shop, Huddersfield, has been dubbed the 'Meryl Streep of the pie world' after the farm won all four categories of Meat Trade Journal’s National Pie competition in Harrogate. The farm won the best pork pie, savoury pie, steak and kidney pie and pasty. Handing out the awards, ex-Eastenders and Extras star Shaun Williamson described Simon as the 'Meryl Streep of the pie world'. Judges were particularly impressed with the winning savoury pie, a Jubilee Pie created by Luke Haigh, which has a pork and chicken filling, with a ‘Union Jack’ flag topping of blueberries.



Huddersfield Food and Drink Festival: August 9-12. St George's Square, featuring dozens of stalls including Jones' pies (and a pie-making demo), Bolster Moor Farm Shop, Hinchliffe's, Vox, Star, Sportsman, Nook, King's Head

Plus: Real Ale Trail, which starts on July 21 and ends on August 12. Taking part are: Herberts Bar, Rhubarb, Rat and Ratchet, Shoulder of Mutton (Lockwood), Stevo's Bar, The County, The Grove, The Head of Steam, The Kings Head, The Sportsman, The Star, The Vulcan and Zephyr.

Another enjoyable weekend at the festival and Taste Trail - a little more room at the festival this year helped browsing. Bradley's burgers and Yummy Yorkshire's parkin ice cream were the highlights for me, while Argento shone in the Taste Trail.



Pork Pie Appreciation Society Pie Competition results
1 Hinchliffe's, Netherton, Hudds
2 Bolster Farm, Golcar, Hudds
3 Lund, Keighley
A titanic tussle between Huddersfield's two premier farm shops and pie and sausagemeisters at the Old Bridge Inn, Ripponden, was shaded by Hinchliffe's.





Leeds butchers triumphed at the 2011 Great Yorkshire Pork Pie, Sausage & Products Competition, the the UK’s biggest and best-known regional meat trades contest.

Steve Martin, of Bentleys Butchers, Robin Lane, Pudsey, retained the pork pie supreme championship, while Paul Flintoft Butchers, of High Street, Kippax, was supreme sausage champion.

Steve Martin, who has been running the business for 20 years, said: “The pie is made using a secret recipe, which has been passed down over the years and tweaked by myself.”

Both the reserve supreme pork pie and sausage titles fell to a first-time competition entrant, Bolster Moor Farm Shop at Golcar in Huddersfield, launched in 2009 and owned by second cousins Simon Haigh and Andrew Whitwam.

The business clinched these honours with its first prize large pork (stand) pies and thin pork sausages, also winning first and second prizes in the speciality sausage class.

Bolster Moor Farm Shop butcher and owner's son Luke Haigh commented: “We're delighted to have brought home so many trophies for our sausages and large pork pies. A lot goes into perfecting our products to ensure they're champion quality. On a personal note, as the up & coming next generation of our farm shop business, it's great to be recognised in this way.”

Netherton Butchers at Hinchliffe Farm Shop, Huddersfield, won the black pudding championship and WR Wright & Sons Trophy, also finishing runner-up in both the large pork pie and thick pork sausage classes.

Gledhills Butchers, of Stanley, Wakefield, won the beef burger championship and WR Wright & Sons Shield, also becoming runner-up in the black pudding class.

Kendall’s Farm Butchers, of Pateley Bridge and Harrogate, won the speciality cold eating pie class with its pork, black pudding and apple pie, receiving the John Spencer Memorial Trophy.

The 23rd annual competition was organised by the Confederation of Yorkshire Butchers Councils and held at Cedar Court Hotel, Bradford. It attracted 300 entries from butchers across the county.

Among those highly commended as finalists at the 2011 competition were:
Small pork pie – Keith Dyson, Almondbury
Thin pork sausage – Villa Farm Shop, Huddersfield
Thick pork sausage – Bolster Moor Farm Shop, Golcar
Speciality sausage – Netherton Butchers at Hinchliffe Farm Shop, Huddersfield




IT'S SAUSAGES!
Nov 11: Bolster Moor Farm shop, near Slades Road, Golcar, Huddersfield, has received a sausage award from Noddy Holder.

Their traditional pork sausages were judged the best in Yorkshire in a competition to mark British Sausage Week and 'sausage ambassador' Noddy Holder presented the farm with a gold disc. (Pic from farm's Twitter site).



The results of the Pork Pie Appreciation Society's 2011 Competition
1st Netherton Butchers, Huddersfield.
2nd Bolster Moor Farm Shop,Golcar
3rd Benson Mellor, Newark
4th Gledhills Butchers Wakefield



HAPPY BIRTHDAY COFFEE EVOLUTION
Nov 10: I've been meaning to highlight one of the best coffee shops in the country - Coffee Evolution in Huddersfield - and now I've got the perfect excuse. It's celebrating its 10th anniversary this month.

With so many chain coffee shops around, and many of them trying to pass themselves off as homely places, celebrating 10 years is a real achievement for an independent.

Coffee Evolution has a great feel about it. Its main shop in Church Street is light, thanks to its huge windows, and neatly laid out so all the seating is around the walls and windows - giving a quite different feel to chain shops. It doesn't have the rushed atmosphere of a chain either - it's a place to kick back and read the papers which are supplied in store.

The coffee is spot on - not too bitter or stewed (Hello Starbucks) and not served in buckets if you want a large one (Hello Starbucks again). There's a great selection of delicious bagels and homemade biscuits. The service is friendly and assured.

Coffee Evolution also has another branch in Greenhead Road.

To find out about the 10th anniversary celebrations, see here





END OF THE YARN FOR WEAVERS SHED
Apr 10: Huddersfield's best restaurant (probably) is closing.

Weavers Shed owner Stephen Jackson is selling the Golcar eaterie. Last orders on May 1.

The 40-year-old told the Examiner: "After 17 years the lack of free evenings has finally taken its toll. You won’t find many chefs of my age working all the shifts. Gordon Ramsey certainly doesn’t – he just dabbles.

“I start work at 10am and finish around 11pm with a few hours off in between."

He's planning to open 'an upmarket cafe' in Marsden, Slaithwaite or Huddersfield town centre.

I'll never forget the meal I had there. The restaurant is a converted 18th century woollen mill which looks like an old vicarage. It's immaculate inside and the food is fabulous. I can still remember a butternut squash soup, which was the colour of old gold, thick enough to stand your spoon in, and so sweet and delicious.


PORK PIE APPRECIATION SOCIETY COMPETITION 2010
Apr 10: Hinchliffe’s Farm Shop, in Netherton, Huddersfield has triumphed again at the annual Pork Pie Appreciation Society awards in Ripponden. It's the sixth win for the shop.

Fifty hopefuls from around the UK took part and a team of 12 judges marked each pie for construction, appearance and taste.

Society secretary Peter Charnley said: "The pie's got to be fresh crusty and crisp pastry. The meat has got to be spicy, very tasty and the pie should be well-filled."

Runner-up was Wilson's of Crossgates, Leeds. Third was Bentley's of Pudsey and fourth was Peter Middlemiss of Otley.


WORLD CUP OF PIES 2009
Nov 09: It's the Great Yorkshire Pork Pie, Sausage and Products Competition again, regarded by regular winner Hofmann of Wakefield as the world cup of pies.

The supreme champion sausage title this year went to Hofmann's, which won the thick sausage class and was also runner-up in three other classes – thin pork sausage and speciality sausage (pork and leek), and large pork (stand) pie.

Voakes, of Whixley Grange, Whixley - between York and Harrogate - was crowned supreme pie champion for the second year running. It also won the large pie and small pie classes.

The reserve supreme champion sausage and winner of the thin pork sausage was Paul Flintoft Butchers, of High Street, Kippax, Leeds.

Champion black pudding maker was H Weatherhead & Sons Butchers, of Pateley Bridge.

The beefburger title was awarded to J B Wilkinson & Sons, for its hoisin burger. Wilkinson’s has shops in Otley, Rawdon, Yeadon, Bramhope, Ilkley, Wetherby and Knaresborough.

Parkin Butchers, which has shops in Epworth, Doncaster, and Crowle, won the speciality sausage class with its tomato and basil sausage.

Woods Butchers, of Carcroft, Doncaster, won the speciality pie class for the second year running with its pork and leek cold eating pie.

Some 300 entries from butchers right across the county were received for the 21st annual contest, organised by The Confederation of Yorkshire Butchers Councils and held in Bradford.

FULL RESULTS
PIES
SUPREME PORK PIE CHAMPION (Ted Jones Supreme Pie Trophy and 1,000 carrier bags): Voakes Pies, Whixley.
RESERVE SUPREME CHAMPION (Willis Hall Cup): Voakes Pies.

Large pork pie:
1 and the Norman Binks Cup – Voakes Pies
2 H Hofmann & Sons
3 Allums Butchers, Altoft, Normanton.
Highly Commended: Johnsons of Thirsk, Wilsons, Allums of Altoft, Gledhills of Wakefield, Woods.

Small pork pie:
1 and the Interbake Shield – Voakes Pies
2 Shaun Fairweather Butchers, Mirfield, Dewsbury
3 Ingfield Farm Shop, Southowram, Halifax.
Highly Commended: Hofmann's, Bentley's of Pudsey, Wortley Farm Shop, Woods, JA Mountfield & Son of Bubwith, Wilsons of Crossgates.

Speciality cold eating pie:
1 and the John Spencer Memorial Trophy – Woods Butchers of Carcroft
2 Voakes Pies
3 Johnsons Butchers, Thirsk.
Highly Commended: Weegmanns of Otley, Middlemiss of Otley, Kendalls of Pateley Bridge, Weatherheads of Pateley Bridge.

SAUSAGES
SUPREME SAUSAGE CHAMPION (ACP Shield and Lucas Ingredients products):
H Hofmann & Sons Butchers, Wakefield.
RESERVE SUPREME CHAMPION SAUSAGE (The Devro Quaich - a cup I think):
Paul Flintoft Butchers, Kippax Leeds.

Thin pork sausage:
1 and the Oris Shield, plus products from WR Wright & Son – Paul Flintoft
2 H Hofmann & Sons
3 Ellisons Butchers, Cullingworth.
Highly Commended: Keelham Hall Farm Shop, Roberts of Oakwood, Weegmanns, Colin Robinson of Grassington.

Thick pork sausage
1 and the Ripon Select Foods Shield – H Hofmann & Sons
2 Keelham Hall Farm Shop, Thornton, Bradford
3 JB Wilkinson & Sons, Rawdon.
Highly Commended: Beavers of Masham, Ellisons, Ken Balsdon of Summerbridge, Middlemiss.

Speciality sausage:
1 and the Gordon Rhodes Shield – Parkin Butchers, Epworth, Doncaster
2 H Hofmann & Sons
3 Sutcliffes Butchers, Skipton.
Highly Commended: Kendalls, Roy Dykes of Keighley, Paul Flintoft, Andrews of Wetherby, Keelham Hall Farm Shop.

BLACK PUDDING
1 and the Towers Thompson Trophy, plus donation of Kingdom Striploins from Towers Thompson - H Weatherhead & Sons Butchers, Pateley Bridge
2 Arthur Haigh, Dalton, Thirsk
3 Woods Butchers.

BEEFBURGER

1 and WR Wright & Sons Shield - JB Wilkinson & Sons, Rawdon
2 Wortley Farm Shop, Wortley, Sheffield
3 Weegmanns Butchers, Otley.
Highly Commended: Parkin of Epworth, Roy Dykes, Kendalls, JB Wilkinson & Sons, Oxleys of Leeds.




PIES AT THE GROVE - I'LL NEVER LEAVE
May 09: The trouble with most pub snacks is that they're not substantial enough. You need a little more on a session - a ham roll, a chip barm or a pie. The Grove, in Huddersfield, has started selling pies, J Lord Pies (sadly not made by the Deep Purple keyboardist Jon Lord: "Would you like a 10-minute baroque organ solo with that pie sir?")

The Grove is famed for its snacks, as well its beers - high-end crisps (sea salt don't you know), crickets and Welsh jerky (not an annoying bloke from Abergavenny).

But now they've got pies and very good pies too. First of all the meat's not salty, there's no jelly but the meat's moist and has a nice peppery taste and the pastry's light and crunchy.

J Lord and Son, to give them their full name, are a father and son team from Bradford who started the firm six years ago and are perhaps best known in Huddersfield for their Pie Shed in the market. Dad John is in his sixties and joined the trade when he was 15, although he has done other things since, and the firm prides itself on quality local ingredients.

J Lord and Son website


PORK PIE APPRECIATION SOCIETY PIE OF THE YEAR 2009
April 09: Runner-up last year, Hinchliffe's of Netherton, Huddersfield, finished top this year thanks to celebrity judge Pete Waterman (X Factor a few years ago, pork pie judge now - the only way is up).

Hinchliffe's is a fine place - top-quality meat and veg and bottles of real ale are on sale, while outside there are rabbits and llamas to look at (not to eat I should stress). Personally, I prefer Jones of Huddersfield's pies. He was only a finalist this year.

This is the society's 17th annual contest at the Old Bridge Inn in Ripponden. It's open to all pie-makers, although Yorkshire butchers always dominate.

Results:
1 Hinchliffe's Farm Shop, Netherton, Huddersfield.
2 Brosters Farm Shop, Lindley, Huddersfield.
3 Bentleys of Pudsey.
4 Wilsons of Leeds.

Other finalists in no particular order:
Peter Middlemiss, Otley (great butcher); Andrew Jones, Huddersfield; E&R Grange, Slaithwaite, Huddersfield; Ingfield Farm Shop, Southowram, Halifax; Mellors Farm Butchers, Newark.


GREAT YORKSHIRE PORK PIE, SAUSAGE AND PRODUCTS COMPETITION 2008
Oct 08: Voakes Pies of Whixley near York were the big winners this year taking the small pie and overall pie awards. They make 'em from pigs on their farm. The firm also finished second in the speciality pie class with a pork, chicken and sage & onion combination, and third in the large pork pie class.

The best sausage in Yorkshire is from Ellisons Butchers, of Cullingworth, near Bradford, their thin pork sausage won that class and the supreme championship.

The best black pudding comes from Kendalls Butchers, in Pateley Bridge.

FULL RESULTS (300 entries, competition held in Cedar Court Hotel, Bradford):

SUPREME PORK PIE CHAMPION, awarded the new Ted Jones Supreme Pie Trophy and 1,000 carrier bags from William Jones Packaging: Voakes Pies, Whixley.
RESERVE SUPREME CHAMPION, awarded the Willis Hall Cup: Bentleys Butchers, Pudsey.

SUPREME SAUSAGE CHAMPION, awarded the ACP Shield and Lucas Ingredients products: Ellisons Butchers, Cullingworth.
RESERVE SUPREME CHAMPION, awarded the Devro Quaich (a cup I think): Farmer Copley Farm Shop, Purston, Pontefract.

PORK PIE CLASSES
Large pork pie: and the Norman Binks Cup: Bentleys Butchers, Pudsey
2 Woods Butchers, Carcroft, Doncaster
3 Voakes Pies, Whixley.
Small pork pie: and the Interbake Shield plus £100 in gift vouchers: Voakes Pies, Whixley
2 P&I Hopkins Butchers, Birkenshaw, Bradford
3 Gledhills Butchers, Stanley, Wakefield.
Speciality cold eating pie: and the John Spencer Memorial Trophy: Woods Butchers, Carcroft, Doncaster
2 Voakes Pies, Whixley
3 Weegmanns Butchers, Otley.

SAUSAGE CLASSES
Thin pork sausage: and the Oris Shield, plus products from W.R. Wright & Son: Ellisons Butchers, Cullingworth
2 Keelham Farm Shop, Thornton, Bradford
3 Paul Flintoft Butchers, Kippax, Leeds.
Thick pork sausage: and the Ripon Select Foods Shield: Paul Flintoft Butchers, Kippax, Leeds
2 Newby Hall Farm Shop, Boroughbridge
3 Bentleys Butchers, Pudsey.
Speciality sausage: and the Gordon Rhodes Shield: Farmer Copley Farm Shop, Purston, Pontefract (free range pork with ginger, chilli and lime, yum!)
2 Keelham Hall Farm Shop, Thornton, Bradford
3 Sutcliffes Butchers, Skipton.

BLACK PUDDING

1 Kendalls Butchers, Pateley Bridge
2 Woods Butchers, Carcroft, Doncaster
3 Weegmanns Butchers, Otley

BEEFBURGER

1 Sutcliffes Butchers, Skipton
2 Sharlands Butchers, Paddock, Huddersfield
3 Weegmanns Butchers, Otley.


UK PORK PIE CHAMPIONSHIP 2008 RESULTS
(alias Master Pork Pie Maker Competition)
1 ALLUMS BUTCHERS, WAKEFIELD
2 HINCHLIFFES' FARM SHOP, NETHERTON, HUDDS.
3 BROSTER'S FARM SHOP, LINDLEY, HUDDS.
4 MICHAEL THEWILISS, GOLCAR, HUDDS.
47 entrants. Held at Old Bridge Hotel, Ripponden


GREAT YORKSHIRE PORK PIE, SAUSAGE AND PRODUCTS COMPETITION 2007
Nov 07: This is regarded as the World Cup of pies, probably because it's in Yorkshire but also because it's the biggest regional event of its kind with 300 butchers submitting their bangers and growlers for the judges in Bradford.

The supreme pie and supreme sausage awards are the top awards.

Supreme pie award went to Hinchliffes Farm Shop, of Sunny Side Farm, Netherton, near Huddersfield. A family butchers who've been in existence since the 1920s who attract national interest with the quality of their food (mentioned in The Times) and who are former supreme sausage award winners in this competition.

The supreme sausage championship winners are Kevin Jubb Butchers, of Little Lane, Ilkley.

The best black pudding in Yorkshire came from Arthur Haigh Butchers of Dalton Airfield Industrial Estate, in Thirsk.

Best beefburger from Sutcliffes Butchers, of Skipton.

FULL RESULTS:
SUPREME PORK PIE CHAMPION, awarded the Bob Thirsk Rose Bowl and 1,000 carrier bags (!) from William Jones Packaging – Hinchliffes Farm Shop, Netherton.
RESERVE SUPREME CHAMPION, awarded the Willis Hall Cup (of Billy Liar fame) – Woods Butchers, of Carcroft, Doncaster.

SUPREME SAUSAGE CHAMPION, awarded the ACP Packaging Shield and Lucas Ingredients products – Kevin Jubb Butchers, Ilkley.
RESERVE SUPREME CHAMPION, awarded the Devro Quaich – Elite Meats, Harrogate.

PORK PIE CLASSES
Large pork pie: 1 and the Norman Binks Cup – Hinchliffes Farm Shop, 2 Woods Butchers, 3 P&I Hopkins, Birkenshaw, Bradford.
Small pork pie: 1 and the Interbake Shield – Woods Butchers, 2 H Weatherhead & Sons, Pateley Bridge, 3 George Middlemiss & Son, Otley.
Speciality cold eating pie: 1 and the John Spencer Memorial Trophy – Woods Butchers, 2 Brosters Farm Shop, Lindley Moor, Huddersfield, 3 H Weatherhead & Sons.


SAUSAGE CLASSES

Thin pork sausage: 1 and the Oris Shield, plus products from WR Wright & Son – Kevin Jubb Butchers, Ilkley, 2 Keelham Farm Shop, Thonton, Bradford, 3 John Oxley Butchers, Leeds
Thick pork sausage: 1 and the Ripon Select Foods Shield – Elite Meats, 2 Hinchliffes Farm Shop, 3 Paul Flintoft, Kippax, Leeds.
Speciality sausage: 1 and the Gordon Rhodes Shield – Farmer Copley, Purston, Pontefract, 2 Elite Meats, 3 Keelham Hall Farm Shop.

BLACK PUDDING
1 and the Confederation Shield - Arthur Haigh, Dalton, Thirsk, 2 Woods Butchers, Doncaster 3 Drake & Macefield Butchers, Skipton.

BEEFBURGER
1 and WR Wright & Sons Shield, plus product donation by Towers Thompson – Sutcliffes Butchers, Skipton, 2 R Illingworth Butchers, East Keswick, 3 Elite Meats, Harrogate.

Results from the competition website. The event's organised by Confederation of Yorkshire Butchers Councils



ALLERGIC TO TRIPE - AFTER A LIFETIME OF EATING IT
Sept 07: A man who attained TV fame for eating vast quantities of tripe has become allergic to the offal.

Mike Madden, 51, from Honley, Huddersfield, used to eat tripe - animals' stomachs - almost every night. But last week, as he tucked into his favourite dish, he felt a tingling and soreness in his mouth. It passed after a few days, but when he tried to eat tripe again, the problem returned.

A visit to his doctor confirmed that Mike had developed an allergy to the foodstuff.

He said: “I’m devastated. I must have eaten about 1,000lbs of the stuff since I started my exploits and my body’s just rejecting it now.”

Mike used to eat so much tripe that Queensgate Market shop Quality Butchers sponsored him for his various stunts. At every TV show or magazine shoot, he had to eat at least 2lb of tripe – and at £1.50 a pound, it was costing him a packet.

Mike’s passion for tripe has seen him eat the delicacy on The Big Breakfast, appear at the 1996 Comic Relief show with Dame Edna Everage and The Spice Girls and he’s even been on German and American TV screens.

He claims the offal, which he eats raw with vinegar, is low fat and is even great for hangovers.

Mr Madden is also an inventor who's developed a weather hat, a TV aerial hat, a portable bird-feeder and a fish walker

From Huddersfield Examiner


UK PORK PIE CHAMPIONSHIP 2007 RESULTS
1 Wilson's of Crossgates, Leeds
2 Broster's Farm Shop, Outlane, Huddersfield
3 Michael Thewliss, Golcar, Huddersfield
4 Eddie Grange and Son, Slaithwaite, Huddersfield
(53 entrants)


LARD VADER
Feb 2007: A Huddersfield lecturer has won a medal for making a sculpture of Darth Vader out of fat.

Gary Schofield, 33 from Holmfirth, was awarded the silver medal in the 'Works in Fat' category at the National Hospitality Show in Birmingham.

Chefs from all over the country competed to create a decorative work in fat with the entries being judged on creativity, workmanship, degree of difficulty and presentation.

It took Gary 24 hours over four days to carve Darth Vader out of a special type of fat which can stay solid for up two years. Lard Vader will now form a buffet centrepiece at Huddersfield Technical College where Gary teaches the Advanced Culinary Diploma.

He has previously won medals for his fat carvings of Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings.

Info/pic: Huddersfield Technical College



VEGETARIANS ALLOWED IN PIE EATING CHAMPIONSHIP
The World Pie Eating Championship has dramatically changed its rules this year.

Instead of scoffing as many meat and potato growlers as possible within three minutes, contestants will have to eat one single pie quickly. There will also be a separate competition for vegetarians.

Organisers of the championships, which will be held at Harry's Bar, in Wigan, on December 13, say they have taken a leaf out of the government's healthy eating plan.

Bar owner Tony Callaghan said: "I realise it may be controversial, but this is the way forward for pie-eating at this level.

"We have also bowed to relentless pressure from the Vegetarian Society and agreed to introduce a vegetarian option to the competition, although vegetarian pie-eaters in the competition will be allowed to eat a slightly smaller version because of its rather more glutinous content.

"However, we will not preclude competitors from entering both championships - so there is every possibility we will have a double world champion for the first time ever."

But previous winner Dave Smyth, from Hindley, who won the first contest in 1992 when he ate four pies in three minutes was unhappy, saying: "Pies are supposed to be meat and potato and anything else just isn't normal."

Mr Callaghan said that entries for the contest on December 13 are invited from all over the world but early indications suggest that the competitor travelling the furthest comes from Ashton-in-Makerfield, about five miles away.

The cooked dimensions of the traditional meat and potato pie need to ensure a
diameter of 12cm and a depth of 3.5cm, and a pie wall angle from base to top of
between zero and 15 degrees. The vegetarian option will be 10cm by 3cm.

Info: Wigan Observer/Manchester Evening News. Pie pic: Greenhalgh's from (sorry) Bolton but they do make lovely savouries


THE 2006 GREAT YORKSHIRE PORK PIE, SAUSAGE AND PRODUCTS COMPETITION
'The World Cup of pies'

Best pork pie: H Hofmann & Sons, Wakefield
Runner-up for best pork pie (Willis Hall Cup for pork pie excellence): Wilson’s Butchers, Crossgates, Leeds
Small pork pie: Wilson’s Butchers, Crossgates, Leeds
Supreme champion sausage: George Middlemiss & Son, Otley
Best thin pork sausage: George Middlemiss & Son, Otley
Runner-up for supreme champion sausage: Hinchliffes Farm Shop, Netherton, Huddersfield
Black pudding: Woods, Carcroft, Doncaster
Burger: Kendall’s Butchers, Pateley Bridge

Hofmann's beat 300 butchers to win the title. Butcher Nigel Hofmann told the Wakefield Express: "It's like winning the World Cup. It's a big trophy." The Express says there's been a run on his "growlers" since the result was announced.

Willis Hall, co-author of Billy Liar, was a judge at the first competition in 1988 and as the Yorkshire Evening Post says: "He went onto pass judgment over many more pies before his death 18 months ago." A cup was named in his honour at this year's show in Bradford.

Results from Meatnews.com



DOCK PUDDING
More than 100 people came from miles around for a taste of Doris Hirst's world championship-winning dock pudding at Cragg Vale, near Hebden Bridge, last month (May 2006).

Dock pudding is a distinctive West Yorkshire dish apparently only found in the Calder Valley and is made from dock leaves, nettles, oatmeal, onions, butter and seasoning. The dock leaves used are a sweet variety and not the ones for dealing with nettles and the pudding is served with bacon and eggs.Locals say the tradition goes back to the poverty-stricken 19th century.

Mytholmroyd Community & Leisure Centre has hosted the World Dock Pudding Championship every year since 1971.

In 2004 it was won by vegetarian chef Jetta from Hebden Bridge. There was a flurry of letters to the Hebden Bridge Times outraged because the dish is not vegetarian - “bacon is an essential ingredient” it was claimed. Jetta wrote back saying that "40% of the population of Hebden Bridge is vegetarian. We must move with the times or the tradition will die".

Traditional Recipe (although world champions always have a secret ingredient):
2 lb fresh, sweet variety dock leaves (polygonum distorta)
2 large onions, or 2 large bunches of spring onions
½ lb nettles
A handful of oatmeal
A knob of butter
Salt and pepper to taste

Wash and clean the dock leaves and remove the stalks
Wash and clean the nettles
Chop the onions
Fry the vegetables in the butter until tender
Add the oatmeal and cook for about 20 minutes, stirring to prevent the mixture from sticking.

Sources: Calderdale Online, BBC, Hebden Bridge Times, Hebweb



  • Thanks to Richard Carter on Flickr for the pic






  • UK PORK PIE CHAMPIONSHIP RESULTS 2006:
    1 Hinchliffe's Farm Shop, Netherton, Huddersfield
    2 George Middlemiss, Otley
    3 JP Cryer, Halifax
    4 Wilson's of Crossgates, Leeds.


    The 14th annual championship was organised by the Pork Pie Appreciation Society and held at the Old Bridge Inn, Ripponden, in March. Sixty pie makers took part.

    Other finalists from the Huddersfield area were Andrew Jones, of Brighouse and Marsh, and Michael Thewlis from Golcar.

    Hinchliffe's baked this special wedding pie (pictured) for a founder member of the Pork Pie Appreciation Society in Huddersfield last year.

    Sources: Huddersfield Examiner/BBC

    Tuesday, March 06, 2012

    MITHERING: Moans, rants, whinges

    F1 - GLORIFIED KWIK FIT
    One of the poster adverts for Sky's new F1 channel sums up the 'sport' - a man about to change a tyre.

    F1 is glorified Kwik Fit where tyre changes, types of tyres, engines and other technical jiggery-pokery determine who wins rather than the skills of the sportsman.

    Why is F1 so popular and why does it get so much attention?

    I've been to Oulton Park motor racing track and understand the excitement of watching and hearing two vehicles tearing around and trying to overtake each other. I've watched motorcycling races where the bikes are almost horizontal and the competitors are almost brushing their knees and elbows on the track.

    But F1? The thrill of motorsport is one competitor racing past the other. In F1, this rarely happens. If one team has a technical edge, there is nothing the drivers of the rival teams can do.

    It's like one football team having the equivalent of Billy's Boots from the Eagle comic without the charm.

    Add to this the largely personality-free, overpaid drivers and the horrible 'pit babes' atmosphere. It all makes F1 possibly the worst sport on TV and radio.

    Thank goodness the BBC has given some of it up so it can carry on spending money on its local radio commentaries on rugby league and football - now they are genuinely exciting sports.


    ALAN TITCHMARSH
    I came across the most unappealing book title in WH Smith - When I Was A Nipper by Alan Titchmarsh. A quick flick through revealed it to be the biggest load of sepia-tinted hardship drivel I've seen in a long time.

    The blurb reads 'Born in Yorkshire in 1949, Alan remembers a time of relative calm, when it was enough to return home at night knowing that the house would still be standing'.

    Yes it's terrible nowadays. You can't go out for 10 minutes without these gangs of hoodies demolishing your house and taking it away for scrap.

    And notice the irrelevant Yorkshire reference. Is Alan trying to take Parky's title of Top Professional Yorkshireman?

    All the cliches are in there - outside toilets (it was cold in February), Sunday best, kids playing safely on the street, love of queuing. In fact the book seems to be a big list, although Alan does reveal some personal details such as when he was a teenager and girls were 'even more important than gardening'. I bet he was the Eric Olthwaite of horticulture.

    Then he later reveals that 'Kath and I were regular clients of Dolly and Simpson on Blackpool beach'. Dolly and Sampson were donkeys and Alan charmingly remembers how the donkeys would go at the same pace now matter how hard you kicked them.

    The subtitle of the book is 'The Way We Were in Disappearing Britain'. If Britain was disappearing then, has it completely disappeared now?

    Ice cream vans, conkers, harvest festivals are all featured in the book. But aren't they still around now?

    Perhaps worst of all Titchmarsh tries to make a virtue of this 'poor but happy' world. The blurb says it's a 'timely call to all recession-hit Brits to heed the lessons of austerity Britain: make do and mend, look on the bright side and take the knocks on the chin'.

    Hurrah! I've still got a smile on my face even though I've lost my job and I'll tell you why. See these trousers? I knitted them myself.


    IN PRAISE OF JONATHAN ROSS


    I CAN’T believe people are whingeing about Jonathan Ross, a truly original and witty broadcaster and a sad loss for the BBC.

    You only have to remember the excruciating Parkinson, with his long-winded questions that even he looked bored by, and Wogan, with his unfunny smarminess, to realise that Ross was a breath of fresh air – a quick-witted performer who established a real rapport with most of his guests and members of the public.

    Only a humourless prude or the Daily Mail could describe Ross as crude – he had a Carry On-style humour leavened with self-deprecation and a real affection for women, unlike some of the laddish boors.

    As for his salary, which included costs for his production team, no-one seems to complain about Wogan, the most overrated broadcaster ever, and charmless Jeremy Clarkson.

    Do you think the licence fee will go down now Ross has gone? No, it’ll stay the same and we’ll get a load of bland presenters who don’t offend the professional whingers.


    GYMS - FIX IT
    I've been to several gyms over the years, in an attempt to keep my vast arse in check and make more room for cakes and ale, and all of them have one thing in common - dreadful, bovine dance music.

    Most of the songs seem to be one or two of the same notes on a synth, a woman saying 'rhythm', 'Hey DJ, 'Take me higher', 'Everybody' in various combinations, and underneath most of the songs the 'Huh/Yehs' from It Takes Two To Make a Thing Go Right.

    One song has the lyric 'What more can I say, you take my breath away' and even though the singer admits she has nothing to say, she goes on and on and on.

    I don't have an iPod (I like to have my wits about me in public) and I'm not sure it would drown out the gymnausea.

    I have thought about asking the staff to change the music, but I fear the tanned and toned gods and goddesses will look at me like a mad dad complaining about The Sweet's hair on Top of the Pops.

    There are plenty of uptempo numbers suitable for gyms - Weddoes' Kennedy for running, Maceo and the Macks' Cross the Tracks for cycling, Elmore James for sit-ups. Come on gyms - fix it!



    MIKA - WHY?
    Can anyone explain the appeal of Mika? He may be a kiddy's entertainer, with his cartoon expressions and loud clothes, but why is he so successful?

    I saw him on Jonathan Ross looking like Zoolander's brother, performing something which sounded like Fame crossed with Springtime for Hitler, in a voice that occasionally lurched into a car alarm squeal, with lyrics that either had been randomly generated by monkeys: 'Teenage dream is a teenage circus' or by the Ood: 'We are not who you think we are'.

    And he can't say golden ('gowl-din')


    PROFESSIONAL NORTHERNERS
    1 Parkinson "I'm not the type to get a knighthood as I come from Barnsley".
    Eeeeeh!
    "Why would I not accept the knighthood? Are you joking, someone from Barnsley? I love being Sir Michael."
    Ooooh!
    He lives in Bray, Berkshire.

    2 Geoffrey Boycott Big hat. Shouty voice. I never hit that woman, the French courts were to blame.

    3 Yorkshire Cricket Club It's Trueman v Close v Boycott v Illingworth. Notorious big(heads) in epic bickering fest.

    4 Alan Bennett We went to a cafe in Keighley to avoid the drizzle but they'd done it up and it was all herbal teas. Mam asked for something soft as her teeth were playing up.

    5 Cilla Black
    Hat check girl in the Cavern. Brian Epstein. The Beatles. Look at me HURRRR, I've had it cut.
    Lives in London.

    6 Ian McMillan Lion-faced rhymester, beloved by the Lavinias who control Radio 4 when they realise they need a token Northerner on their pompous quiz shows.
    Straight outta Baaaaaarnsley!

    7 Barrie Rutter and Northern Broadsides Theatre Company Eeeh, it's t' Shakespeare in t'Northern accents.
    T' be or not t'be, tha knows


    8 Me
    Moaning, cynical and surly, just like proper Northerners are supposed to be.
    Tutting at "fancy London ways" even though I've lived there, thought it was a good place and most of the people were friendly
    Putting on a strong Northern accent when workmen are in the house.



    PARKINSON
    "Can I just ask you...er..what do you think when you're going up for an award, any award, whether it's big..or...or..small and you suddenly look down...and..er..you've just noticed your shoes aren't cleaned or...or.. your trousers aren't pressed...I mean what is that like? What does that..er..feel like exactly?"

    Parky, Parky, Parky - he may have been big in the seventies when he had massive stars letting rip, but he's ended up as some mumbling, long-winded professional Yorkshireman who's barely interested in his own questions let alone the answers from his guests, sitting knee to knee to them while he looks down at his shoes, acting as a straight man with feed lines for the comedians and revealing nothing of interest about his other guests.

    And he has the cheek to criticise Jonathan Ross, who apart from the occasional sycophancy towards big American stars, has a genuinely exciting and funny show.

    Bye-bye Parky.


    Camra fundamentalists
    Whingeing bores give real ale a bad name
    Two years ago I was serving behind the bar at the Huddersfield Beer Festival when the club we were in decided to show an important England football match. There was no sound, it was unobtrusive and several drinkers started watching. Just then, a man who looked like an extra from a pirate movie who had forgotten to take his blood pressure tablets, shouted: 'The whole festival is ruined'. What?!

    Sadly this is typical of the Camra fundamentalist, who thinks a TV and a jukebox shouldn't belong in a pub so everyone can hear them bellow their opinions about the legality of ordering a third of a pint of beer.

    They sit at the bar like limpets, trying to catch the landlord out with their knowledge of Maris hops while blocking the bar so others can't see what beers are on.

    And they drone on about the importance of a full pint - which pub has ever refused to top a pint up and who says filling a pint to the very top is so good? They give all Camra members a reputation for nitpicking jobworthiness.

    STYLE MAGS (AND ROBERT ELMS)
    I Taught Men To Turn Over A New Page - that was the headline on a recent Observer piece "celebrating" the 20th anniversary of Arena magazine, in which founder Nick Logan "changed the face of magazine publishing".

    What a load of old cobblers! I remember buying one of the first Arena mags - it was 40 pages of suits, 10 pages about caneoing up the Amazon, 5 pages of £800 corkscrews and an interview with a boring model.

    Nothing about interesting women (or indeed relationships), little about music, sport, television or film - a magazine for the vain boss classes, whacking off in front of their mirrors in their Hugo Boss suits.

    Logan reckons it was the first men's magazine which wasn't top shelf or specialist but I didn't know any men who liked it - even in London.

    Once the mainstream media decide something is trendy and brilliant, no dissenting voices are heard and so, 20 years on, it appears that history records that Arena and its ilk were a fantastic success, even though the articles were overlong and humourless and the photographs were mannered - usually pictures of a ludicrous clotheshorse looking miserable because his flat was so minimalist he had nothing to sit on.

    The clotheshorse was sometimes Robert Elms.

    Ah Elms - the man who once went on Channel 4's The Tube in the mid-80s to explain the importance of having red stitching inside your jeans, even though no-one can see the stitching. When challenged about the stupidity of his comment, he called everyone "northern scum".

    Showing that criticising fashionable clothes is the last great taboo in the media (as fashion ads bring in shedloads of cash and some rich folk have more money than sense) Elms has had a successful career, culminating this year in his book about his clothes.

    This includes a story of how his gang of QPR-supporting mates saw off a gang from Coventry because the Midlanders' clothes were one month out of date.

    Here's an extract (from The Guardian): "Some of Coventry's top boys were sporting Fila, which had gone out of fashion in London at least a month before.
    Instead of launching ourselves at them, we were lambasting them for such gauche sartorial tardiness. As it dawned on them they'd been outdone in the style stakes, you could see their will for the contest wane. They'd been beaten and they knew it."

    Three things here:
    1 The depressing importance of inanimate objects over people which persists today. The fact you couldn't give a flying fork about anyone - their morals, their beliefs - just their shirts.

    2 The use of the phrase "gauche sartorial tardiness". Elms has obviously been to his Thesaurus for the most inappropriate and outlandish alternative for "one month out of date".

    3 The implausibility of the whole situation. As if some football hooligans are going to pull out of a fight because of their clothes, especially when they see Elms' gurning face.
    "Er Gaz let's sort this QPR scum."
    "Hang on Baz, look at our shirts - with this gauche sartorial tardiness we haven't got a chance."

    Elms' excuse for being interested in clothes is that it's "a working class thing" - like being working class is free pass to tw*tdom.


    Grunting gym weightlifters
    NYAAAAAARGH! Hey Mr Steroid no-neck, who are trying to impress bellowing like a buffalo that's been bitten in the balls?

    If it's too heavy, put it down. We don't care if you're lifting a supermarket, just shut up you chump!


    People who say 'Political correctness gone mad'
    Really mean they can't be as racist as they were before so they invent stories about black bin bags offending people.

    Would you say cripple anymore? Well you can thank political correctness for that!

    And as it's no longer politically correct to say political correct, call it good manners or respect for others.

    Lord of the Rings
    Overlong battle scenes, in which the goodies always beat overwhelming odds, punctuated by earnest discussions about whether the elves will help, or the goblins, or the dwarves, or Mr Wobbly from Wibbly Land.

    Or maybe the tall trees can defeat Christopher Lee. Ooooh, the tall trees are going to save us from Christopher Lee!

    And who are all these characters - Orlando Bland, what does he do again?

    It's all completely humourless and is desperately in need of Brian Blessed SHOUTING LIKE HE DID IN FLASH GORDON. "HAWKMEN, DIIIIIIVE!" (When he was in his patrol car in Z Cars did he shout: "POLICEMAN, DRIIIIIVE!"?)

    Lord of the Rings also needs editing but that would offend the prog-rock geeks who like it. Give me a Ray Harryhausen monster film any day.

    Incidentally Tolkien was a real ale drinker (probably) as he used to meet CS Lewis in the Eagle and Child in Oxford (a Good Beer Guide pub). Despite supping quaffable ale all they could produce was second rate Greek myths and second rate fairy stories.
    Blessed picture: Bradford University